Would like opinions on my 4th screenplay

[DevonAero]

What's up guys I posted here earlier this year asking for opinions on my 3rd one and got some pretty good feedback. Hoping for the same. The inspiration came from Judd Apatow's films, but with a more "PG" approach. I hope you enjoy it. And please feel free to add comments on how I can improve it, I'm sure you guys will find something. Thanks!

http://www.scribd.com/doc/137630333/The-Pickup[1]

Logline: Picking up the most valuable skills you were probably born without.

 

[BobbyG]

Well I just finished the screenplay, and I thought it was excellent. Better than a lot of big studio movies. I thought that it did get cliched at some points, but the humor, and especially the characters, made me forget about it. Devin's speech at the end is wonderfully written and almost tear-jerking. If I were you, I'd do everything possible to sell your screenplay. It is a funny, heartwarming story with a fantastic message. Best of luck to you.

 

[DevonAero]

Well I just finished the screenplay, and I thought it was excellent. Better than a lot of big studio movies. I thought that it did get cliched at some points, but the humor, and especially the characters, made me forget about it. Devin's speech at the end is wonderfully written and almost tear-jerking. If I were you, I'd do everything possible to sell your screenplay. It is a funny, heartwarming story with a fantastic message. Best of luck to you.

Thank you so much! I think I still have some things to work on it, but thanks for the feedback!

 

[Lando2]

Well I read it. It was pretty good, I didn't get bored or get confused so that's good. I liked how you handled the Steven character and overall arc. I think Eva could be fleshed out a bit more, for instance have her a bit more pretentious and high class at first, and then continue on with what you did making her relatable and more down to earth near the end to give her a more prominent arc.

There were a ton of spelling mistakes so be sure to go over it a couple more times and lastly, don't get your hopes up on naming specific songs for each scene, maybe put them in brackets with a descriptor. I realize that maybe that country song has specific lyrics you want but there are probably a ton just like it that cost less to use.

 

[Lando2]

Just as a side note I personally hate seeing characters wake up unless it is absolutely necessary at the beginning of a movie. See if there is anything else that works on your next draft.

Also letting the audience know why touching is so important would help, otherwise it sounds a little creepy.

"Be sure to touch her"

"Where?"

"Arms, shoulder, hips etc."



should be "Why?"

"It establishes friendliness and rapport with strangers..." etc.

 

[DevonAero]

Just as a side note I personally hate seeing characters wake up unless it is absolutely necessary at the beginning of a movie. See if there is anything else that works on your next draft.

Also letting the audience know why touching is so important would help, otherwise it sounds a little creepy.

"Be sure to touch her"

"Where?"

"Arms, shoulder, hips etc."



should be "Why?"

"It establishes friendliness and rapport with strangers..." etc.

Thanks so much, yeah, I'm working on changing the opening. And thanks for the more detailed dialogue.