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Which version is better?

dlevanchuk

dlevanchuk

So, i'm filming "Quickie in the kitchen" but as I kept rereading and going over the opening sequence, it felt like the opening was boring and uneventful, so I decided to film first act very last, just so I could be in schedule, and keep working on the begining :weird:

Today I finally completed rewriting the opening and a scene in the end, and it feels "right".

If you guys and gals got a moment, mind glancing over the first two pages, see which version you prefer better?

ORIGINAL


REWRITTEN

Thank you everyone!
 
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I've read them, but I only read the first two/three pages, so I don't know what happens after them. But for an opening, my opinion, stick with the first. I prefere the idea that we don't know what the guy is doing, or why, and then the idea that he wants his wife exterminated is a nice reveal. With the added scene of (I assume. Again, I didn't read the whole thing!) his wife having dinner with this stranger, kind-of makes things too obvious, it's not so much of a surprise when he phones the exterminators.

I would say try rewriting some of the dialogue. It feels a little forced.

That's all I got!
 
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Sorry to not reply sooner. I've given both versions a couple reads now. I remember when you first posted the idea. I like elements of both but tend to lean more towards the first (your original). That beginning more develops the idea of his wife cheating. But I agree that the dialogue seems a bit off. I've been trying to think how it could be cleaned up.

I don't like that he looks in the window and sees something happening inside. To me, that is too overt. I like that the garage door might be open and you see the motorcycle inside. It plays on the audience's suspicions (falsely) as the man approaches, stops, looks at it, then heads back to his car to call the 'exterminators'. Also, I hated the name--"Happy Family". It is too at odds with the rest of the movie. Maybe something with a more sinister sound. It might be a bit over the top but you might have a 'clean up crew' come by and drag the dead bodies out the door in the background as the man and the Exterminator exchange final remarks.

Hopefully that helps. I'd go more with the original opening.
 
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Oops, I waited too long. Sorry about that.

They're both good for different reasons. To be completely honest, since this part of the movie is so brief, I don't think it's a huge issue. I see that you shot the second version, and that one is stronger in making it clear to the audience that he has discovered some cheating (or so he thinks). The first one makes it feel like it's more of a long-term thing that we've walked into, so from that respect, in the second version it is more believable that he could get the whole thing wrong.
 
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thank you for your replies, Fanfasy and CF! these are great suggestion!

CF: yes,i ve already filmed scene this past saturday with todd making a phone call, so there isnt much i could do about the dialog over the phone. However, we had few minor adjustments, which i think worked out pretty good, and will sound great in the completed version.

for opening scene- i ll storyboard a new version, with fantasy's suggestions, see how it looks.

thank you very much everyone! end product slowly comes together and it looks/sounds fantastic!
 
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If you don't mind I have a general comment. I apologize if it's off track.
I think maybe your description could be more "descriptive."
for example "Todd, 30's Mustard Shirt" doesn't tell an actor what the character is"
"Todd, 30's Business man, Todd 30's homeless bum, Todd 30's punk rocker…"
Same with "neighborehood" road. What kind of neighborhood?
Make sense?


dlevanchuk said:
So, i'm filming "Quickie in the kitchen" but as I kept rereading and going over the opening sequence, it felt like the opening was boring and uneventful, so I decided to film first act very last, just so I could be in schedule, and keep working on the begining :weird:

Today I finally completed rewriting the opening and a scene in the end, and it feels "right".

If you guys and gals got a moment, mind glancing over the first two pages, see which version you prefer better?

ORIGINAL


REWRITTEN

Thank you everyone!
Click to expand...
 
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