What is my script lacking

[Mirman10]

SHADADA FINALE

- Dario wakes up as the demon
- Goes to black
- Semir stands in front of the book door bell rings after he reads a line from the book.
- Opens the door Dario is there and starts chanting some demonic phrases.
- Semir pushes him aside and runs outside the house
- Semir runs down the street stops in front of the park bends down to get a breathe looks up and Dario is across the street so semir starts running again.
- Semir continues to run past the place where Dario was killed in the sewers
- Semir runs into an unconstructed area. Wide pan shot
- Semir runs in the front door and looks around and doesn’t see Dario on the other side of the building
- Semir walks around the building feeling paranoid and hears Dario talking to him moking him
- Dario runs up to semir and pushes himself and semir outside the building with different angles from the window.

There have been two videos before this so there is a story I'm following its not just random

 

[rayw]

SHADADA FINALE
There have been two videos before this so there is a story I'm following its not just random

I fairly well recal both the other two parts to this story:
- Guy finds a book while cleaning, reads some, lets loose a demon.
- Two guys investigate disappearances, one get abducted into the tunnel.

Why do you think this third outline is missing something?
- Dario/Demon confronts and pursues Semir.

Where did you want the story to go from here?
Is this the conclusion or is there more to follow?
If so, what's the longest version of the story and how did you want to break it down?


Ray

 

[Philis]

SHADADA FINALE

- Dario wakes up as the demon
- Goes to black
- Semir stands in front of the book door bell rings after he reads a line from the book.
- Opens the door Dario is there and starts chanting some demonic phrases.
- Semir pushes him aside and runs outside the house
- Semir runs down the street stops in front of the park bends down to get a breathe looks up and Dario is across the street so semir starts running again.
- Semir continues to run past the place where Dario was killed in the sewers
- Semir runs into an unconstructed area. Wide pan shot
- Semir runs in the front door and looks around and doesn’t see Dario on the other side of the building
- Semir walks around the building feeling paranoid and hears Dario talking to him moking him
- Dario runs up to semir and pushes himself and semir outside the building with different angles from the window.

There have been two videos before this so there is a story I'm following its not just random

There's no story. Just illogical sets of events.

Where's the problem? What'r you trying to resolve?

How are you going about resolving it?

None of that is clear.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Every story has two plots--the objective (what we see) and the subjective (what we feel). You can get away with not finishing the objective plot. It's the 'cliffhanger'. But you need to complete the subjective for the story or episode to 'feel complete' otherwise, like Philis suggests, it just feels like a string of scenes or events.

Your sequence feels like it starts in the middle and ends with more to come. So Rayw's question "Is this the conclusion or is there more to follow?" is relevant. To me, your outline feels open ended. Partly this happens because your two characters exit in the same way they entered. This is where 'character arc' comes into play even in a short.

If you want this to be the end, then finalize it with either Semir's death, hinting at Semir's conversion, or Dario's reclamation. If you are planning another installment, then this is a perfectly reasonable 'cliffhanger'. The audience are left to wonder, "What will happen to Semir? to Dario?" I'd just heighten the peril for Semir a bit. Or raise the possibility of his rescuing Dario. That gives some emotional resolution before the lead off at the end. But in your final episode, be sure to resolve it once and for all.

 

[Mirman10]

If you want this to be the end, then finalize it with either Semir's death, hinting at Semir's conversion, or Dario's reclamation. If you are planning another installment, then this is a perfectly reasonable 'cliffhanger'. The audience are left to wonder, "What will happen to Semir? to Dario?" I'd just heighten the peril for Semir a bit. Or raise the possibility of his rescuing Dario. That gives some emotional resolution before the lead off at the end. But in your final episode, be sure to resolve it once and for all.

Yes there will be one more part that fills in all the loose ends with a more story driven aspect to it unlike this one. Thanks for the feedback!