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What is it lacking or needs to make it better??

ART IN MOTION
Throughout the film the boy will have very little to no dialogue.

Scene 1: Bulling On Bus
a boy is sitting on the bus alone, looking outside when bullies board the bus and “bully” him. They ask him to leave his seat he refuses saying there a full bus of seats. They end up beating him up and slamming his face on the window. This should be filmed with a macro lens, showing the bullies’ faces out of focus and the protagonist’s face in focus, in order to emphasise the emotions he is facing and to draw the interest away from the bullies and more towards the Protagonist.

Scene 2: Opening Credits
Not much to say here introduces the characters in the film, producer, ect. While the boy is walking home. (Lots of shots with a camera rig and a wider lens, with no dialogue, and only music.) It should be implied that he is walking home, however he should not be seen entering the home ect. It should only show him walking in pain (because the bullies beat him up.)

Scene 3: House Scene
The boy should be in his home looking in the mirror at the beating he just took

Scene 4: The Next Door Neighbour
The boy is shown eating breakfast. Then he is shown finishing breakfast and decides to walk outside when he ignores his neighbour and goes to out and sees his bullies sitting at the park. The boy turns around and heads home in fear of the bullies. (The bullies don’t notice him) On his way back home it is revealed that his neighbour was watching him the entire time and he gets trapped into a conversation with this man and decides to go inside this man’s house. We find out that this man is an artist and The man gives the protagonist a scrapbook to express what he feels. The boy goes home with the book and throws it in the corner of his room. The man should be an artist or something. He could have paints and a canvas in his front yard. (This would be really good for the dialogue scenes because u could show them talking and have some art stuff in the corner of the screen out of focus. It’ll be like this but with art stuff instead of a camera lens:

Scene 5: Life Is a Dream
The boy goes to sleep that night and dreams about the many times he has been picked on by the bullies. He dreams about the time when he was beaten up on his way home from school. You see him toss and turn in his sleep. When he wakes up he sits up with a sad look on his face and looks around. He should look in the direction of the scrapbook then we’ll have a scene where it shows it come into focus.

Scene 6: Art
This scene starts out by the Boy looking at the scrapbook in front of him while he was sitting at his desk. Then he has a flash back about the man telling him to express himself in the book. Then it goes into a montage of the montage of the man drawing. After he is done you see him smile at the painting. He should do a small smile to appear pleased with his work. This way it won’t give away what happens next.

Scene #: The scene where the bullies are at the park again
He should be walking out again to go to the park to draw (at night-ish) and the bullies should be there. They should see him and bully him and tell him that the park is their turf or something. That way he would know that they’re going to be at the park when he goes there in scene 9. He should finish his painting after this incident, so the reader is reminded that hes going to be drawing when he gets picked on.

Scene 7: Apparatus of choice (this sounds cooler yo)
This scene starts with the protagonist going into his parent’s bedroom and taking something from under his parent’s bed. Why do his parents have a gun? If this film is set in Canada that’d be illegal too. If we submit it under the international short film category it’ll be inaccurate and this can be enough for them to criticize our film for political inaccuracy. Then he walks outside his house.

Scene 8: Walking to hate
the protagonist is walking down the street and reaches a park and walks up a hill and sees his bullies sitting there and talking with each other. This should be a long walk in order to emphasise the moment and make the viewer think “where is he going?” “What is he going to do?” ect.

Scene 9: The Finale
The Protagonist walks up the hill and sees the men and stares at them for a moment lights a cigarette has a puff and walks toward them and then pulls out the gun. After this it shows the drawings of him killing the men by shooting them in the park. Then goes back to him standing by them and he shoots them and then stands over their dead bodies, then walks out of the frame.

Scene 10: Credits
sad/ dramatic music plays, credits roll over the bodies in the background and the background eventually fades to black then the credits continue to roll until the music ends.
 
What is it with people always making depressing short films?

I only say this because I got back from a Uni grad show and a majority of them (except the documentaries) were really serious subject matter. Death, medical issues, strained relationships.

Anyway, the ending just seems like a 'What the fuck?' moment, and is kind of unsatisfying. For a feature it might work, for a short, no.

Why don't you change it so the protagonist forms a relationship with the neighbour. The neighbour could be a struggling artist, and they both help each other overcome their problems? A bit cliched though.

I don't know what else I could say really.

Oh, are you writing scripts like this all the time or is this for the benefit of us? Because you should really format scripts properly, especially if you're working in a bigger crew.
 
Anyway, the ending just seems like a 'What the fuck?' moment, and is kind of unsatisfying. For a feature it might work, for a short, no.

Why don't you change it so the protagonist forms a relationship with the neighbour. The neighbour could be a struggling artist, and they both help each other overcome their problems? A bit cliched though.


Oh, are you writing scripts like this all the time or is this for the benefit of us? Because you should really format scripts properly, especially if you're working in a bigger crew.

-Well it's a short and not a short in my mind shorts last anywhere from 5-10 minutes over that its not really "Short" anymore imo. This one will hopefully be anywhere from 15-20 minutes which I believe may give us more time to flesh out these spots to make the ending more satisfying.

- Well were still working over different ways for the protagonist to come into contact with the man. Our first version was the protagonist goes to a therapist/psychiatrist and goes from there.This newer version just came to mind but were still in the tweaking process.

- This is just for your viewing trying to make it as dense as possible and small enough for everyone to read but to also get a good understanding of what were going for.
 
-Well it's a short and not a short in my mind shorts last anywhere from 5-10 minutes over that its not really "Short" anymore imo. This one will hopefully be anywhere from 15-20 minutes which I believe may give us more time to flesh out these spots to make the ending more satisfying.

- Well were still working over different ways for the protagonist to come into contact with the man. Our first version was the protagonist goes to a therapist/psychiatrist and goes from there.This newer version just came to mind but were still in the tweaking process.

- This is just for your viewing trying to make it as dense as possible and small enough for everyone to read but to also get a good understanding of what were going for.

It's still a short. According to the 'Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences', a short is 40 minutes or less.

Even if it was 15-20 minutes, I still don't see that as a good ending. It sort of builds up to nothing. I guess it all depends on how you execute it and how much more you add to script, but as you say this is the 'dense' version and doesn't really leave me satisfied.

You should tweak it first then upload it (sans camera execution.)
 
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