Thanks so much for your in-depth answer. You really took the time to analyze it. A couple things first, though that were probably my fault for not making clear in the script. The attack on the station that Joseph mentions at the beginning was just a joke. That is why Joseph sits down calmly and says 'you jump higher every time' - he's done this sort of thing before to Marcus (showing how serious Marcus is versus Joseph's lighthearted nature). Hopefully it would come out more clearly through the acting, but there might be a way for me to be more clear about that in the script too. The alien protection line is also meant as a joke so that isn't a story element that will come up later.
You can't use irony or humor until the audience knows the characters. It's like being an outsider to inside jokes. As an actor, I'd have no clue from your script that this was a joke. You've done nothing to establish them as characters which is critical for any script--webseries, short or feature. The biggest failing I see in scripts is the writer assumes what is obvious in his/her mind is evident in the script.
It's interesting that you think there are too many story elements in the first episode because I struggled with the whole web series format being so short and wondering if enough stuff is happening in each episode. That being said I definitely don't want the episodes to go longer than 10 minutes.
Let me clarify. If you present a story element, it needs to be fully developed. What you did is raise points that you never develop in this pilot. In a webseries you should have no more than 2 or 3 elements. The main element of the series, the main element of the episode and a continuing element that links it to the next episode. So for this you episode you want to introduce the good & bad guy(s), the device, and something that links to the next episode. Below is the typical format for a television program which can be easily adapted to a webseries:
TEASER: 2-3 pages title sequence & commercial break
ACT I: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT II: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT III: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT IV: 10-12 pages commercial break
TAG: 2-3 pages credits
This matches very closely to the standard 3-Act structure:
Act 1A - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
Act 1B - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
Act 2A - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
Act 2B - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
Act 3A - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
Act 3C - Resolution and the Ever After
In adapting your story as an example, I suggested:
Act 1A - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
1. Have Joe playing his guitar with a picture of Kara on his desk introduces the elements subtly. You can elaborate on that later. Have him answer a telephone call from Joe and say he'll be there.
Act 1B - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
2. Marcus meets Joe at the house. Joe briefs him on the situation with the man and a recent gang attack on HQ.
3. Joe asks Marcus about rejoining the force and Marcus explains about Kara wanting to start a family in a safe place. Marcus asks Joe about his retirement plans. They pass through police tape to go inside. [
some character development]
Act 2A - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
4. Inside Joe and Marcus meet a DOCTOR who is studying the helmet. The doctor updates them. Marcus puzzles over the control device. Doctor explains its unclear if they can unhook the man safely. Joe and Marcus are puzzling out who the victim is when ...
Act 2B - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
5. The gang pulls up outside. Joe calls for backup and takes a place at the window and fires shots. Marcus takes the front door.
Act 3A - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
6. A stray bullet shoots the man in the device. Sirens in the background still the gang attempt to enter. The doctor, Marcus and Joe beat a hasty retreat except for a slight hesitation as Marcus runs back to grab the device and helmet before leaving.
Act 3C - Resolution and the Ever After
7. Final scene, the leader of the gang bursts in with a couple guys. He finds the old man shot and the device missing. He storms about then kicks over a table. "Find them. Get the device."
Obviously what you thought your script presented was not the clear to me as a reader. There's lots of unwritten backstory. You may find it helpful to make your episodic stories to fit that format. TV writers often have to follow a very rigid format as outlined above.
Good idea. I might actually do this. It introduces Kara, but I wonder if it might make people think that she is dead already? And I'd still like to introduce the conflict between him and Kara not just Kara as a character.
When I see a photo, I don't immediately assume the person is dead. I have a photo of my wife on my desk. My point is, in the first episode, Kara is irrelevant to the immediate plot which is learning about the device. You have later episodes to visit that topic. Having her picture on the desk and Joe asking "How's Kara" and Marcus replying "Eager to move as usual" is enough for the audience at this point and suggests some dynamics.
Again, there wasn't an attack on HQ. Marcus could meet Joe at the house but I don't see what that would solve besides maybe cutting down the length a bit. And there would be no police tape =) It will be more clear as the story goes on with the next episodes. But essentially there is an extremely small police force because this is set in semi-apocalyptic times (apocalyptic not in the natural disaster sense, but all of the world's governments have been taken over or shut down, so there is basically no law and order. This community is one of the last few civilized places and Marcus and Joseph are volunteering themselves to keep order)
Then that is where you need to do more development. If it didn't happen, don't say it. The audience won't know that if your first scene starts with a guy strumming a guitar. That and an old 50s office doesn't suggest post-apocalypse. You're introducing your viewers not only to the characters but the world they live in. You just told me information that's not in your script.
In this case, meeting him at the house may actually work to help you give a sense of the new world order they live in. Now the audience sees deserted streets and broken down homes. Possibly signs in windows that speak of the apocalypse. The visual cues don't require exposition and your audience now starts to understand the setting. If this is "Mad Max" environment, you need to make that obvious. Nothing in the script suggests the setting is other than contemporary experience.
It's not just that it would be a low budget production, it's that it would also be a low experience production. I'm writing this to shoot with other college film students (not an actual film school, just film major at regular college) so the emphasis is really to have it as simple as possible while still telling an interesting story, so that we can focus on things like cinematography and direction without scenes being too complicated.
I appreciate that. But if you don't make a project that interesting to watch, why waste time making it? I think you can do this fairly low budget. You need an office space, a broken down house exterior, a living room space. You might need some shots along a back alley for background. And it should be possible to round up at least 8-9 actors: Joe, Marcus, Doctor, Kara, Victim and 2-3 hooded villains. The 2 or 3 hooded villains can play other roles later.
I'm not sure the Doctor would be entirely necessary. I'm trying to keep the character list down, but also it doesn't fit with the setting. Marcus and Joseph are really doing a lot of things on their own and also this man lives outside the walls of the main community, so a doctor probably wouldn't go all the way out there.
Again, your script does nothing to develop that idea. I think the man is a very interesting feature. Who is he? Why does he live on the periphery? How would two law officers know anything about the science needed to make sense of this device? Sorry, Marcus and Joe seem pretty dim. And as I asked before, in a lawless land, who would care if this old guy is in a coma enough to call a police department that is largely useless? The doctor may be the creator and we (audience, Marcus and Joe) don't know that yet.
Audiences expect MOVIE LOGIC to parallel REALITY LOGIC in that it is consistent in a predictable way. Who would call them? The old man is in a coma. If I were Joe or Marcus, I'd be very suspicious and think it might be a trap. How were they called? If the government is no longer working, who's making the electricity or providing communication services? Have big businesses taken over the role of government? What does it look like for a citizen in this environment? Yes, I know you want to make a simple short. Part of my feedback though is that you're worrying about dialogue when the bigger issue is the story and structure.
The 'clean-up gang' that is mentioned doesn't know anything about the device - they are unrelated. They are just a gang that runs through old towns and raids them for resources (this is why most people live in the walls - the old man is an anomaly) Joseph doesn't call for back up because they don't care/can't really do anything about gangs outside the walls and there wouldn't be enough manpower anyway.
Again, that's in your mind, not in the script. Be very careful because a script is a blueprint that needs to layout the details of the movie world for the audience, actors and production crew. As the writer, you are privvy to knowledge that's not available to us in your script.
Even if you don't want to have them know anything about the device, how come they chose that house to attack? As a viewer, it seems cause-effect. If you want to convey that it's random, you should include a scene of the group rampaging the area prior to Joe and Marcus arriving. Otherwise, it appears they are not only involved with hooking the man up to the machine but became alerted to the police arriving. It suggests a possible set-up. Since our first exposure to the man is when Joe and Marcus find him hooked up with no further explanation, you leave the audience to struggle to find meaning. And as in my case, it may not be the way you intended. Part of the craft of screenwriting is leading the audience into your world and guide their experience. You need to give the audience a villain. The gang leader may be a red herring for the actual villain who is revealed later. Giving the audience someone to suspect is a useful tool. As far as the audience knows, the gang is key to the old man's demise. Leverage that. Especially if the doctor is the creator. S/He can throw off suspicion to the gang, perhaps working both sides. S/He may have been walked in on unexpected by the pair forcing the subterfuge. Lots of possibilities to explore.
Also, it's really important to show Marcus struggling with the old man's death. This comes up later with his backstory and his entire motivation for the rest of the series.
That's fine but you didn't do enough to develop that. As written it comes across as he's saving his own skin. If that's the case, he should have tried to save him and failed. Pushing the red or gray button. Removing the helmet. Disconnecting the power. Leaving him just reads cowardly and unlike a police officer. To me, that was very unbelievable. And especially so if this post-apocalyptic. Why even go there in the first place? Why call the police instead of an ambulance for a guy in a coma?
Anyway, you raise some great points and I don't mean to put them down because I think my script is perfect. Please let me know if you still think these points are issues after understand a bit more about the story.
I think they continue to be issues because what is playing out on the screen doesn't reflect that backstory you have playing in your own mind in writing the scenes. I think you have some great ideas but they're not obvious. I want to be clear, I'm not saying that my suggestion above is how you should write your script. It's just an example of how you want to structure the story. But you have to be very careful in a 10 minute episode to focus only on the elements that are important to that episode.
I'd definitely want to know if anyone else had these same thoughts. In my mind a lot of these points are just passing comments in the script and I feel like they don't complicate things at all. It's just part of the background. When I wrote them I didn't picture them as big revealing plot points, just things that might stick in the back of the viewer's mind until a more developed focus to those points is brought up. Part of the world and character building process.
Unfortunately, given the non-cohesiveness of the world and characters at this juncture, these points are more distracting than useful. Always in the first two episodes focus on character development and central plot. I know very little about Joe. The humor between them is lost because it presupposes a relationship not available to us.
As for the cliff-hanger endings, I've tried to map out each episode with an ending on a major thought or revealing moment but as the story is relatively simple I don't know what else I can do really... The first episode ends with the discovery of this strange machine - the second episode ends with them finding out what the machine is...There are a lot of things I need to work out with this story and each time I make an excuse or ignore anything you say, please tell me if you think I am just wrong. =)
Finding a device isn't very interesting in as much as really all they did is steal a switch. Maybe they'll pawn it to buy food or something. They're policemen, so why would they care? Save a device and sacrifice a citizen? Not very logical. You need to give the ending some urgency. Who else wants the device? What special thing does it do that makes it important? What would make me need to see episode two? Am I emotionally invested in Joe and Marcus to find out more?
I appreciate you're doing this with friends. It has problems but should be easy to shoot. It shouldn't take much effort though to enhance your script to address the points raised about making your "in-the-head" story play out more visibly in the script.
At the end of your episode I should have a strong sense of the kind of people Marcus and Joe are. I should understand the world they operate in through visual depiction in the script. Their actions in this world should be logical and consistent with our expectations. I should know the obstacles and antagonists they must overcome. I should have a sense of the goal even if the full explanation of the device comes later. You need to drive me to want to know what happens next in an ongoing series.
Can all that be done in 10 minutes? Of course! Many excellent shorts are done in 4-5 minutes. Look at how they develop character and story. Review the 6 steps above and watch the clip I used as an example in a film workshop. What do we know about the characters? Is the logic of the world consistent? What are the goals and obstacles? What was resolved? What was left open? I use this piece because there is no dialogue. A good script should be visual and be able to tell the majority of its story without a word. While the music is an important element, it can be appreciated even without the sound.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ePWK0qfisE
) you could just do what BSG/Star Wars did, and put up some captions at the start explaining the collapse of society and setting the scene etc. It might even be the best solution for a budget-restricted web series, even if it isn't technically the most elegant solution... 