Very Short Thriller

[prking]

This is a very, very short (2.5 pages) thriller I wrote. Give it a read, and let me know what you think!

Synopsis: A 20 year old witnesses a murder from his home.

I currently have it titled "Noodle" cause, well, it's funny to me, if you think of something better let me know.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=1ooRFMHSU1ahTJEWucqLr6HUeZPgIbVvdLn4EoDmLXJb1e6c6POQdgx2_VkI5

Thanks in advance for any feedback, and please rate this in the poll.

 

[p38]

Could you make that a PDF file?
I don't want to join another place just to read a file

 

[prking]

The link takes you to a PDF, and it is (supposedly) viewable to the public

 

[NathanH]

Check your spelling.

Also, who dials the emergency services and then says 'hello, cops?'

 

[maralyn]

I don't understand this 2.5 minute format. Who watches it? Where do you screen it?

Anyway, I didn't mind it. It jump cuts. He's sitting on the couch, then it jumps to him in the kitchen, then it jumps to him on the toilet. That will be jarring. Just do it in real time, make him walk from one to the other, that will give it movement as well.

I thought at the end that the knock on the door could actually be his friend arriving, but him think it is the Stranger.

And maybe instead of the Stranger killing the neighbors, just make it a domestic dispute that ends in murder. Just more natural.

And I'd give the man a name and a brief description.

 

[prking]

Check your spelling.

Also, who dials the emergency services and then says 'hello, cops?'

I agree, nobody does, and thats funny to me. Let's not forget our protaganist is pretty high at the moment too

@MARALYN
I wrote this so I could shoot it for free (small cast, locations, props etc.) and get some practice. That is why it is so short, and in the YouTube Generation people attention span is nearly nonexistent.

 

[Jack Lynt]

Oops, sorry, wrong thread.