screenplay This is the opening "bookend" sequence to a feature I'm writing

[Drongo Bum]

The feature is titled 'Tankers'.

This sequence takes place in early '90s America; It happens after Desert Storm in Saudi Arabia and Iraq, which is where the bulk of the story takes place.

ROBBERY.pdf (10 pages)

Critiques welcomed, no matter how brutal and savage.

 

[mlesemann]

I like it - you definitely got my attention

One suggestion:
I think you can use mini-slugs as you jump back and forth between (for example) the turret and the driver's compartment.
This would make for a smoother/easier read.

Just a suggestion...

 

[Drongo Bum]

I like it - you definitely got my attention

One suggestion:
I think you can use mini-slugs as you jump back and forth between (for example) the turret and the driver's compartment.
This would make for a smoother/easier read.

Just a suggestion...

Hi! Thanks for responding!

Interesting you picked up on the vehicle slugs. The first draft of this featured cutaways between many of them (mostly to police activity, etc.) but I ditched those in the second and trimmed the slugs; but then somebody (who isn't very familiar with tanks) said they had trouble following the flow, so I reverted to full slugs.

Maybe I need to revisit that.

Hey, since you read that piece, how about another? It's a scene set in Saudi Arabia and it's been a little contentious, with a couple readers claiming it to be unrealistic, despite the fact it's inspired by/based on an actual incident. (The real event involved a car accident rather than a shooting, but the outcome was still the particularly tragic death of a crewman's only close family member.)

BAD_NEWS.pdf (3 pages)

Let me know how this hits you.