The Torn Dress - for Kinglis - Feedback Request

[arrodiii]

Good morning all,

Kinglis apparently challenged me to write a short entitled, The Torn Dress.

I'm still waiting for your story...

Well, here is a link to the 10 page shortthat I came up with. It is set to share with anyone with the link, so there shouldn't be any issues accessing it, though in the even that there are, please notify me and I will see what I can do to remedy it.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...MWYzNy00ZGJhLTkzYWUtZGIxYWJlNTRiYWEx&hl=en_US

Please feel free to provide feedback - it only took me a day to write, so I am sure there are a lot of errors and may not even be all that good, but I just thought that I would share it with you all. I hope you enjoy it and hope to hear some critiques to it.


Cheers,

Adam

 

[kinglis]

I like it.

I could predict the ending though.

I'm gonna point only one thing: The "Mom" knew she abducted the lil girl and I couldn't believe she would wait for the police to come. Maybe if a passing police car saw the fight and stopped at the scene, then the "Mom" wouldn't have the time to run.

You've used the title well, giving the torn dress an important role in developing the story.

 

[arrodiii]

I could predict the ending though.

Shucks, oh well. I kind of figured that would be the case with this one, it is pretty straight forward.

I'm gonna point only one thing: The "Mom" knew she abducted the lil girl and I couldn't believe she would wait for the police to come. Maybe if a passing police car saw the fight and stopped at the scene, then the "Mom" wouldn't have time to run.

You know, I didn't even think about that. When I was writing it, I just kind of pictured the other people in the line circling around them and making her escape the situation that much harder - I guess I might have forgotten the logistics of it and went straight to her getting caught for her crime.

Though I have a couple of questions about the story:

1) How does the pictured landscape feel? Does it seem real?
2) What about the characters, do you feel for them? (Obviously there isn't much background to them)
3) Without many slug lines, was it hard to follow?
4) Rufus - does he work as a charcter? The barking "dialogue"?

I like it...You've used the title well, giving the torn dress an important role in developing the story.

Thanks for reading it - I am glad to hear that you liked it and that I did what I set out to do with the dress.
Anyways, I would appreciate it if you can answer those questions for me, I will greatly appreciate it.

Cheers,

Adam

 

[kinglis]

Though I have a couple of questions about the story:

1) How does the pictured landscape feel? Does it seem real?
2) What about the characters, do you feel for them? (Obviously there isn't much background to them)
3) Without many slug lines, was it hard to follow?
4) Rufus - does he work as a charcter? The barking "dialogue"?

1) I've never been to the States, but "the pictured landscape" was in a lot of American movies. Maybe you would like to make it more special...

2) I feel for the lil girl.
I wanted her to shout out in front of all the people in the queue that she's been abducted, thus create a mayhem.
In order to save Jack and herself.

3) It wasn't hard to follow.

4) Rufus... well...
My dog would knock down the "Mom" in such a situation.

 

[kinglis]

Ok, the thing is: The professors give us a title like The Torn Dress (last year), or The Only Exit (the year b4 that), or With a taste of honey (the year b4).

The challenge is to write a really short story, provoked by the title, bearing in mind you can cast maximum of 4 actors.
Have to direct it on stage (the professors are the audience) and then (if you pass to the next level) shoot a really short film of the same story, using the same actors and limited premises (in and around the building of the academy or near by, with appointed cinematographer from the academy.)

oh, well....