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The Last Days of a Lost Soldier - short script

DeceptionA

DeceptionA

Tell me what you think. Feel free to be harsh, if I only wanted to hear 'thats great' I would just show it to my mom. :cool:




FADE IN:

EXT. EMPTY FIELD -- AFTERNOON

A silhoutte of a man stand hunched over something. The man is PRIVATE STEVEN THATCHER, an American soldier. Thatcher is a young man, around the age of 18.

P.O.V. THATCHER -- CONTINUOUS

Thatcher shakes PRIVATE ALLEN MILLS. Mills is a slightly older man, roughly 24 years of age. He is lifeless, but looks unharmed.

THATCHER
Mills!

Thatcher shakes Mills more.

THATCHER
Al! Wake up. You're the only person
(pauses and takes a breath)

THATCHER
Wake up Allen!

Thatcher gives one more shake. Mills' eyes open.

MILLS
Thatcher? Where-

Blood splatters all over Mills' face. Thatcher's body falls on top of Mills. More gun shots can be heard. Weeds and dirt fly everywhere.

Mills tries to wipe the blood off his face, but there is too much.

The bullets stop. Mills grabs Thatcher's gone and looks through the scope. He spots an elbow and fires.

P.O.V. SCOPE -- CONTINUOUS

The scope jolts up from the shot of the gun. Mills points the gun back to where the enemy troop was. A man holds his elbow. The scope points at the mans head and fires.

EXT. EMPTY FIELD -- CONTINUOUS

Mills drops the gun, and shakes Thatcher. Thatcher lets out a cough. He's been shot in the chest, and blood is coming out of his mouth.

MILLS
Thatcher!~ Stay with me man. I'm gonna---

More gun shots can be heard in the distance

MILLS
I'm gonna get you out of here Steve. Okay?

Thatcher nods his head. Mills drops the gun and picks up Thatcher, putting him over his shoulder. Thatcher coughs up more blood onto Mill's clothes. Mills picks up the gun with his other hand and heads off the other way.

CUT TO:

EXT. BOAT IN LAKE -- AFTERNOON

Mills stands on the pontoon using a towel and drying himself off. Thatcher is laying down.

MILLS
You put anymore thought about joining the army with me?

Thatcher looks at him.

THATCHER
Maybe.

Mills throws his towel on the ground.

MILLS
Come on Steve? You're gonna make me see the world all by myself?

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODED AREA -- NIGHT

Mills puts Thatcher up against a tree, sitting him up. Mills wipes the blood off of Thatcher's chin.

MILLS
There you go. You still with me Steve?

Thatcher nods.

THATCHER
Yeah.

Thatcher can hardly talk.

MILLS
I'm gonna get you some help. Okay? I'm gonna get you some help as soon as I find out where we are. Okay?

Thatcher nods.

Mills pulls out a canteen of water. He takes a drink.

MILLS
Here, take a sip of this.

Mills puts the canteen up to Thatcher's lips and give him some water. Some of the water drips down the side of his mouth.

Mills puts the cap on the canteen and puts it back on his belt(?). He surveys the surrounding area.

MILLS
I guess this is as good as place as any to rest.

Thatcher doesn't respond. Mills takes off his jacket and covers Thatcher with it.

MILLS
There you go. There you go, gotta keep you warm.

CUT TO:

INT. POKER ROOM -- EVENING

5 guys sit around a poker table. Cards in hand, chips spread around the table. Thatcher and Mills sit at opposite sides.

GUY 1
So I heard you signed up for the Army, Thatch

Thatcher laughs

THATCHER
Yeah, if Mills is stupid enough to join, I figured I might as well be there to watch him screw up.

They all laugh.

MILLS
Laugh it up, laugh it up. But when carrying your crying ass back to safety, we'll see who laughs last.

THATCHER
You carry me to safety? You can't even carry me across the room.

They all laugh again.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WOODED AREA -- MORNING

The laughter ends. Birds chirp. The sun has shown itself.

Mills sleeps on the ground, Thatcher sleeps up against the tree, Mills jacket still covers him.

Mills' eyes open. He gets up, and quietly looks around. Everything is clear.

MILLS
Thatch, bro. We made it. A few more days and we should be fine.

Thatcher doesn't move.

MILLS
Steve?

Mills walks over to him. Thatcher doesn't move, he looks very pale.

MILLS
Steve? Wake up, we gotta start moving soon.

Thatcher is lifeless.

MILLS
We gotta start moving soon

Mills gets closer to Thatcher

MILLS
Thatch. Come on, we need to go.

Mills pushes Thatcher a little. Thatcher leans to the side. He's dead.

Mills grabs Thatcher's wrist and looks for a pulse. He cant find one. He grabs the other wrist. Nothing.

MILLS
Come on Steve. We gotta go.

An explosion is heard in the background. Mills picks Thatcher up and puts him over his shoulder again. Thatcher remains lifeless.

Mills begins heading away from the explosions. The more he walks, thecloser the sounds seem.



CUT TO:

EXT. FOLIAGE -- LATER



Mills puts Thatcher down in the tall weeds. Thatcher falls to theground lifeless. Mills takes out the last of his rations, and devoursit. He's starving. He looks around for something edible.

Mushrooms. He finds mushrooms on the edge of the tall weeds. Heclosely examines them. He picks one from the ground and brings it tohis eye. He blows on it, removing any dust or dirt. He bites into it, and eats the whole mushroom.

In a frenzy, he scoops up the rest of the mushrooms and puts them inhis mouth. He catches some of the pieces that escape his mouth.

MILLS
These are so good.

He looks around quickly for more, but he doesn't see any.Mills picks up his gun, and lifts Thatcher up over his shoulder. Hebegins walking again.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WOODS -- EVENING

Thatcher lays on the ground, he looks as if he was jsut thrown down.Mills sits, gun ready, eyes wide open. He is sweating profusely.

THATCHER
I think I've been shot, Al

Mills looks over at Thatcher. Thatcher is sitting up examining thewhole in his jacket; where the bullet went through.

MILLS
I think you have been shot. But you done good, Steve.

Thatcher looks around, confused.

THATCHER
Where are we?

Mills looks away, surveying the land.

MILLS
I don't know. I'm just going as far away from the explosions as possible. I'm going to get us out of here.

Mills looks back, Thatcher is dead again, laying like he was earlier.Mills runs to him. Shaking him.

MILLS
Thatch? Thatcher! Wake up!

Thatcher is still lifeless. Mills straightens up. He falls asleep.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS -- MORNING

Mills wakes up and takes the last drink of his water, and puts Thatcher back no his shoulder. He throws the canteen on the ground.

The canteen drips the last drop of water into the soil.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. EMPTY FIELD -- LATER

Mills walks over a hill, unveiling a small patch of high weeds. 10 small children, dead, all dressed in white are spread across the field.

Mills drops Thatcher and runs over to closest one. The young child lays facing down. He turns her over, blood covers her face.

Mills begins stepping back quickly. He pukes.

MILLS
Oh my god.

Mills pukes again. He gasps for breath. Mills starts walking backwards, almost trips and turns around to grab Thatcher's body.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS -- EVENING

Mills grabs some leaves from a branch and shoves them in his mouth. Mills looks at Thatcher.

MILLS
Want some?

Thatcher is lifeless. Mills shoves the leaves he offered Thatcher into his mouth.

Mills takes off his jacket it and tosses it on the ground. He lays down to fall asleep.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODED AREA (DREAM) -- EVENING

Tiny whispers of children can be heard. Mills eyes quickly open, he brings up his rifle. Thatcher is nowhere to be seen.

A small child from the field appears in his rifle's sight. The child is slowly walking towards him. Mills moves the rifle and looks for himself. All the children from the field are walking toward him slowly.

MILLS
Stop. Or I'll shoot.

The children keep coming closer. The whispering becomes louder.

MILLS
Don't think that I won't. I don't care if your children. Stop!

Mills looks back in the scope. He looks back up. Suddenly one of the children are right in front of him. He fires. Blood covers his face. Mills screams.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODED AREA -- MORNING

Mills wakes up, covered in sweat. Thatcher lays where he was before. Birds chirp, nothing is out of place.

Mills lifts his head and yawns loudly. He looks over at Thatcher. Mills stands up. He starts walking towards Thatcher.

Machine gun fires. Mills drops to the ground next to Thatcher's corpse. Blood oozes from his shins. Mills screams and pains and grabs for his gun.

Another bullet hits his shoulder, and then his back.

Mills drops the gun. He looks at Thatcher's lifeless corpse.

MILLS
I'm sorry.

Mills gets shot again. Blood sprays across Thatcher.

The end
 
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We'll skip the lesson on formatting, spelling errors and enjammed words since a more serious problem exists.

Where' the story? Character arc? Is this just a six minute maccob blood bath? Making a bloody statement about the futility of war is not new nor do I find it interesting.

The actual reading, you need to be careful because when you mix dreams, day dreams, and reality all in the same six minutes, you need some kind of special identifier. It was hard for me to visualize who was shooting, getting shot, dying, dead and ghost. It's confusing and it may just be lack of description.

I think you can loose the "POV Scope" shot. Everything else is POV Mills and Thatcher, why inject this at all?

Where Thatcher says, "You carry me to safety? You can't even carry me across the room." Here is an excellent place to put in some much needed relief. Have the young men take bets, then try to carry each other around the house, and shoot this scene. It's fun and shows just how close their friendship is. Plus it will get you that much closer to a full 10 minutes.

You can kill all the places where you put "CUT TO" or "DISSOLVE TO". The slug lines are enough to say it's a new scene.

Small point of logic, if Mills is hungry and out of water, I don't think he'd puke. Dry heaves maybe since there wouldn't be anything in his stomach to puke up. Maybe a small amount of dirty yellow bile.

Mills asks the dead Thatcher if he wants some leaves then stuffs Thatcher's dead mouth full. If Mills is slowly going insane it would make a lot of things clearer if you made it apparent earlier. I'm not a psychologist so I have no idea what this process entails but, if you call up a psychologist and explain you're a writer, give him a thank you credit in your movie, I'm sure he/she would love it sit with you and elaborate on it.

Mills calls the ghost children, 'children' and dialog wise I think you need to work in some more 'real language' in all of their speech. ie; "Don't think that I won't. I don't care if your children. Stop!" would turn into "Get back! Stop! Stop right there, I don't care if you are kids I'll waste you all!" You get the idea.

Now, as a side note, I always think about alegory in stories and just to show you how my mind works. You could set it up that the two men got caught in the original fire fight because they were looking for hookers. That way, just before Thatcher dies, they can comment on how it was "bush" that got them into this mess in the first place (insert drum fill here). But that's the kind of thing I look for in a movie with this much blood. It can't just be a movie with a lot of blood just because someone had a sale on fake blood at the store. If you're going to use gore, use it for a higher purpose and that will make your movie cult-able.

JMHO though. Stay fresh!
 
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Points well taken. I will work on it.

edit:

I wanted a short story about a guy who sees his friend die in his care, refuses to believe he's dead, and become obsessed with bringing him back to civilization, but at the same time is becoming insane and highly unstable emotionally.

You're right. Needs to be much clearer, and probably much longer.


Please point out where stuff doesn't make sense. Because when I read it, it makes sense, but that's because I know what I'm trying to say.
 
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...initially, I couldn't tell if Thatcher was supposed to be dead or just unconscious, I wasn't sure if the children were actually ghostlike or real though you do say it was a dream.

I think it is interesting, I think psychological themes are the kind of stories that can go anywhere. I have said this before on the boards: if you have to explain it, there's not enough information. Your presentation of insanity will be interesting...

I always wonder if I am helping when I look at these scripts. I don't want what I say to change anyones ideas or alter your thoughts because you know the story best. You get to be master of puppets so to speak. That gives you lots of room to try things...

--spinner :cool:
 
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While the scope of the work is interesting, the main spine of the story is very "muddy" and lacks any sort of structure. What is the purpose of the script? Is it an anti-war sentiment, or just a "buddy who will do anything for his buddy, but still fails in the end?" If so, the ending lacks any empathy for the audience. The presence of the children is confusing, and why would Thatcher shoot or even threaten children, unless you are showing him as a cold blooded and heartless killer? If so, why is he so loyal to his buddy? Characterization of Thatcher is inconsistent.

Sorry. I'd say gut the entire 2nd act and try to come up with an ending others might really wan to see and get something out of.

I apologize for being so rough, but I have studied writing for a while, and if I can learn this stuff, anyone can. I'm just short on patience and stories that don't gel.

WC
 
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