The Deal (23 Page Screenplay)

[JPeguero25]

So I wrote this screenplay during my first year at college. I came up with this story after listening to a blues station one night as well as remember the Robert Johnson Myth. Constructive Criticism is always welcome! Hope you guys enjoy!

http://goo.gl/Ej2i4V

 

[maz]

My background is in novels rather than screenwriting, and one thing that is immediately obvious in your script is a mistake that many new writers make in both formats: you state the same thing in the dialogue as in the narrative/directions. There is no need to say "Robert tries to convince Member 1" if the following line of dialogue is Robert trying to convince Member 1. The dialogue should stand alone. I've only read a couple of pages so far, and it reads more like a weirdly-formatted present tense novel than a screenplay. It could do with being snappier. And could probably do without the grammar errors etc.

All that said, I haven't got into the story yet, which might be amazing!

 

[FantasySciFi]

It's a rather slow build up. By p. 9, we just start to get to the heart of the story. The dialogue is your problem. "Screen dialogue" isn't a copy of what people really say. It's more direct and condensed. As a very rough guide, the essence of your script and the characters should be introduced in the first quarter of your script. So roughly by page 6 we should know the main characters (protagonist, antagonist, main characters), a sense of the story, and the first challenge. In some places your description is detailed and others it's lacking. You also don't need the transitions "FADE OUT" and "FADE IN". The story plot is a common one but if done well can be interesting. By p. 12 we're still waiting for what we see coming. I get the sense that this could be condensed down into closer to 12-15 pages. I think you have an interesting story but you need to really take your writing to task to be to the point. Good luck.