There are three elements to a script: format, structure, and story. Your script needs to work on each of these areas. Please realize that the script is a production blueprint as well as telling your story. Others need your script to do their jobs well.
FORMAT
1. Sluglines are meant to be short. They should keep to one line.
2. Use present tense (he walks) rather than progressive (he is walking).
3. Use periods and spell out numbers which are used as quantities.
4. Avoid redundant description "The female ... blonde haired girl ..." girl=female and blonde is generally the same as "blonde haired". So "CHARLOTTE, a late teen blonde with ..."
5. Keep descriptions separate from actions. Descriptions give design information. Actions describe the shots.
6. Character names are also a production shorthand. You can use KIM instead of "KIM (THE BASTARD) TONKS" each time. It becomes very offensive over time. And for names that have variants, be sure to indicate that. Not everyone outside of Wales would recognize Dai as a form of David or Daffyd.
Code:
[color="red"]EXT. BACK OF LAURA STREET, VALLEY HOME - DAY[/color]
The house is typical valley terrace home. [color="red"]Two[/COLOR] young males and a
female [color="red"]stand in the back PERIOD[/COLOR] DAI (David), a male in his early to mid 20’s
smokes a cigarette and looks generally unhappy[color="red"]PERIOD[/COLOR] A second male, GIANNI,
[color="red"][i](age?)[/i] wears[/COLOR] a nicely ironed suit, black sunglasses[color="red"]PERIOD[/COLOR] CHARLOTTE
is [color="red"]a late teen, blonde[/color] with hooped earrings[color="red"]PERIOD[/COLOR]
GIANNI surveys the house, [color="red"]looks at[/COLOR] an open window and [color="red"]checks[/COLOR]
the sturdiness of the drain pipe.
[color="red"]CHARLOTTE[/COLOR] huffs and puffs[color="red"] and paces[/COLOR] the back yard with arms crossed.
This opens up the script visually so the set designer and camera staff can see who is in the shot, where it is filmed, casting elements, and what actions and shots will likely be needed.
STRUCTURE
Television comedies require brisk pacing which often means that it is very linear in its storyline. A big problem for me in reading the script was that you use flashbacks without alerting the reader. The pacing is also very slow.
1. Alert the reader/audience to the flashback by adding "(FLASHBACK)" to the appropriate slugline.
2. It's not a rule but it is generally good writing to avoid flashbacks in your teaser. It breaks the flow when you really want the audience to be hanging on every word and action.
3. I was on p.10 and still didn't have a clue what this show was about. For television comedy, you have to be very funny quickly. If you don't have the audience interest by page 4, you lose your demographic.
Code:
CHARLOTTE
Add to that, that complete freak we met on the way around here...
EXT. FRONT OF LAURA STREET - DAY [color="red"](FLASHBACK)[/color]
Dai puts out his cigarette and exhales the smoke before ...
STORY
This is the main focus of all writing. For television, you need a 3-6 page teaser. In US television, it is the sequence that catches the audience right before the title credits and commercial. Then you plunge into the first act. Honestly, I didn't see any teaser for your sitcom. Three angry youths who pout is about all I came away with. None of the three is particularly likeable at this point. As a viewer, you would have lost my interest.
Rather than use flashbacks, start the story from the beginning to introduce the characters. Start with them inside the house and meet a couple quirky characters. Then flashback after the teaser to see how they came to be there.
For a comedy we need to like or be sympathetic for at least one of the characters. To be honest, I thought the big three were flat and self-indulgent. I don't mean that to be hurtful, but seriously, by taking time to develop them in a positive light and fully, I can be more forgiving as a viewer when I see them at their worst.
It's better to lead off with a likeable character even if the protagonist is a bit acerbic--the Gracie Allen to George Burns. I liked Paul, Charles, and Atu but they appear so late that I would have already flipped the channel. The audience is willing to jump into the middle (as with "Friends") if you give them a basic sense of the characters and their interactions. Then in a later episode, do the back stories.
If it were me, I'd start off in the house. Start at p.8. Have the discussions share more about the actual series plot--"Wow, I've always wanted to be on a reality TV show." "I'm going to crush the others." etc. It helps to explain a bit of the egos. I would expand on how Gianni and Atu know each other. The 'battle' (p.12) was an interesting plot point but it felt disjoint. It was funny enough that you could use that as your hook with some development. You have a few clever scenes but they are disconnected. Without a continuity, it's hard to hold interest.
Hook me first with your teaser--light and funny. Then do the flashbacks later. But, honestly, I still have no clue what the show is about. I had to guess which is not good.
As a running gag, it has potential.