Should I write this?

[victortiti89]

I just had an idea about a screenplay and I was wondering how you feel about it. I know not every idea is good enough for a script. Thank you for your help!
I. Title: I”m going to hell.
II. Genre: Action, Supernatural, Horror
IV. Story/Synopsis:
The main character(name chosen later on) is a soldier fighting in Irak. His unit is given the task to eliminate a terrorist base. They storm a village and the soldiers kill everyone in sight.

The main character stumbles upon a dying imam. He curses him to burn in hell forever. Then, he dies. But he had a strange look in his eyes. One of the soldiers, who was an Iraki native explains the imam was considered a Muslim saint.

The hero returns to the States and soon strange things begin to happen to him. He has nightmares and visions. One night, he gets attacked by a pack of demons.

He fights them using an ancient spell book. It is a combination between magic and fighting skills. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a failing screenwriter makes a deal with the devil for a perfect script. The main hero learns how to fight various enemies.
Some evil force seems to make thugs attack him out of the blue. The soldier defeats them. The screenwriter gets an awesome load of cash.

The hero meets a strange man who tells him the only way to save himself is to save someone else. The screenwriter soon gets attacked for his soul. The main hero saves him.

An entire SWAT unit is sent after them at the screenwriter mansion.

The main hero shoots them to pieces. The villain is revealed. It is one of the wizards used by the government. He assumes power by liquidating everyone in his path, except the president.

The wizard runs for Presidency. The main hero saved the screenwriter, but now things get harder. He must save more souls. He saves another one, a rock star.

He saves a drug addict female who later becomes his partner(she was an FBI agent). The main hero understands who the villain is and is shown a vision. If the villain gets elected, he will sink the world into another world war and chaos will ensue.

He sees America burning and countless corpses. The villain has a perfect speech that makes his victory 100% sure. The hero and the female agent get to the White House and take it by storm.

Here, it is revealed that the ex-FBI agent was not a drug addict at all. It was a demon in disguise. The main hero fights it.

He fights his way through countless security guards and gets to the villain. They fight.

The hero realizes it was a trap. The whole place turns creepy and a hell gate appears. This is the setting for the final battle. The hero fights many enemies and takes down the villain. He escaped his curse.

V. Enemies:
-Thugs: They are well-armed and dangerous. They are controlled by the villain.
-Sorcerers: Powerful magic wielders, they obey the villain.
-Demons: They vary in size and power.
-Security guards: They protect the president. Heavily armed and well trained.
-SWAT officers: Well trained and dangerous.
-Police officers: Hostile, but somewhat weak.

 

[Cracker Funk]

Removing all value judgments, I think the main problem with this story is that it's kinda all over the place. To be blunt, it seems rather convoluted, and could use a whole lot more focus.

And then if we add ethics and morals to the mix, I think a lot of people might interpret this to be rather Islamophobic.

 

[FantasySciFi]

You have multiple story ideas here which I think would clutter your script and detract. You have two options: make a story from one of the ideas or use a 'story within a story' approach.

Option 1: Select a story
A. The Cursed Soldier
B. The Wizard who would be President
C. Screenwriter's Pact with the Devil

All three could be interesting but to mix them would be confusing.

Option 2: A story within a Story

Two guys are camping when a stranger comes up. He asks if they know any scary stories. One tells about 'The cursed soldier' he heard from a friend stationed in Iraq. The second tells how he saw on the internet about the illuminati and the 'Wizard who would be President'. The stranger shares his tale about 'The screenwriter's pact' and needing to save lives. He rescues them from an avalanche before disappearing.

This is a kind of a "Tales from the Crypt" or "Creepshow" approach. I think it would work best for your material if you can separate out your stories.

 

[dmontgom]

You have multiple story ideas here which I think would clutter your script and detract. You have two options: make a story from one of the ideas or use a 'story within a story' approach.

Option 1: Select a story
A. The Cursed Soldier
B. The Wizard who would be President
C. Screenwriter's Pact with the Devil

All three could be interesting but to mix them would be confusing.

Option 2: A story within a Story

Two guys are camping when a stranger comes up. He asks if they know any scary stories. One tells about 'The cursed soldier' he heard from a friend stationed in Iraq. The second tells how he saw on the internet about the illuminati and the 'Wizard who would be President'. The stranger shares his tale about 'The screenwriter's pact' and needing to save lives. He rescues them from an avalanche before disappearing.

This is a kind of a "Tales from the Crypt" or "Creepshow" approach. I think it would work best for your material if you can separate out your stories.

When you said a story within a story, my mind went straight to the Tarantino approach. Start off with the soldier's story, then cut to the wizard's story and then show how the two intertwine... etc... I think that would be a decent way to blend all this together.

Anyway, there are some good ideas in this mix.

 

[VictorSW1974]

You have some good ideas but they're sortr of sprawled out in a unfocused way.. Reduce it down to a more narrow story and save the other ideas for another script. And with the ultra-sensitive PC mentality off people in the entertainment industry, be prepared to be called a racist. (No big deal, the term is used so much as to be meaningless.)

 

[ItDonnedOnMe]

The cursed soldier part is actually very close to a subplot on the last season of True Blood.

 

[Jack Lynt]

Yes, you should write it. Why not, if you want to?

I must be kind of dense, but I'm having a difficult time getting how folks are viewing this as Islamophobic or racist. Actually, seems quite the contrary to me in my reading.

The American hero apparently commits a crime against humanity, sounds like, in his employ as a U.S. soldier in Iraq.

One of his victims, a saintly imam, it turns out, quite naturally curses the soldier for killing him along with an entire village.

The hero practices magic (sounds, as described, that is, like it's probably black magic). Probably not seen as proper or holy by most of the world's population. Perhaps that's just the sort of thing that American soldiers, or Americans in general do?

The hero for some reason befriends a screenwriter, also, I'm guessing an American, but not clear on what his nationality is supposed to be. The screenwriter has sold his soul to the devil, because (that's the sort of thing westerners do, I'm guessing?). And, he's rich, I suppose, living in a mansion 'n' all.

The hero then hooks up with a female who (of course?) is a drug addict and (naturally?) becomes an FBI agent.

The U.S. government, if I understand what's written correctly, employs evil wizards. They send one of their evil wizards after the hero.

The wizard runs for President. All very natural, apparently. If he wins, it's death and hellfire for the world.

Oh, the female FBI agent wasn't just a drugged up chick, she was actually a demon.

Anyway, not that I'm really clear on what's going on in this story, but it seems to me that far from being an unflattering portrayal of its muslim players, the point seems to be the opposite. But, uhh, not that I really get what's going on at all.

I don't know what you're intentions are, V89, but if it's what you have to say, then go ahead and say it/write it...I should think. Anyway, I'd follow FSF's advice for improving it and making it more coherent.

Sounds like it could be pretty exciting and adventurous.

 

[victortiti89]

Thank you for writing your thoughts on this... It isn”t meant to be Islamophobic or anti-American... Every idea is subject to changes based on your comments& suggestions.