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Short Horror Script Needs Review

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First of all, welcome. :)

These are just some random thoughts I had during the read. It will be interesting to see how you translate it to the screen.

The power is out, yet the oven clock is still on? At first I thought, sure. It could be analog. But then later in the script, it reads 5:35 then changes to 5:36. Okay, that's digital. My digital clocks all go black during power outages.

Was he dreaming? It stayed 5:00 for 3/4 of the script. Again, I thought of analog clocks that just stopped until the visual of the time change. Did time stop?

"Very dark" won't give you much light to actually capture images in your camera. Maybe give him a light source early on to use as motivation for the light in the scenes?

I gather this is a form of tag that friends are playing with one another, hence "Scapegoat" or "Escape from the Goat"? But you seem to imply that real weapons are in play. If I were watching this play out on screen, I don't know that I would have any sense of danger or forboding because this seems like a sequence from many slasher films except in your script there's no foreshadowing of a real threat to one's life. A boiling rabbit or a bloody axe or a neighborhood cat pinned to a tree with a butcher knife.... I mean, I see a guy down the street coming slowly with an axe, and I have access to a shotgun, no contest. Axe guy loses.

At the end, was that a deja vu moment ala Groundhog Day? The news picks up exactly where it left off some 35 minutes ago... And then it's 5:00 again.

Very abstract the way it's written.

Incidentally, I'll leave format alone since you're planning to shoot it yourself, so it doesn't matter (unless you're looking for that feedback, too). But I will say that the over use of "Moments Later" and "Cut to" was distracting to me.

I've spent some time recently studying Blake Snyder's books, and your story would fit into the "Monster In the House" genre. For this to work, there are some important elements:

1. A "monster," supernatural in its powers - even if its strength derives from insanity - and "evil" at its core.

2. A "house," meaning an enclosed space that can include a family unit, and entire town or "the world".

3. A "sin". Someone is guilty of bringing the monster in the house... a transgression that can include ignorance.

There are other import elements, including the "Half Man", someone who has encountered the monster before and survived. This character does well to establish the threat and possibly help the hero figure out how to kill it.

So you have your monster, and you have your house, and you did well to describe the claustrophobic feeling of some of the sets in your "house" as well as established it being closed off for the most part (snowed in). But the absence of establishing the real threat and establishing a "likable" character that we (the audience) actually worries about and wants to root for hurts the story, IMO. Your hero needs a "Save the Cat!" moment and your monster needs to boil the family pet, so to speak.
 
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Back in the days of the Old Testament, during religious ceremonies, the towns would sacrifice a goat as well as apoint one goat as the scapegoat. The scapegoat was destined to wander the wilderness for eternity with the burden of the whole towns sins.

The idea behind the story in Scapegoat, is: This sacpegoat is tired of wandering the wilderness, so he comes into town to bestow the sins onto a person. Because if people bestow sins onto goats, who do goats bestow their sins upon? So basically, Braeden is chosen to live an eternity of isolation with the burden of all the goatman's prior sins.

And thanks for all the advice, I will take it and change some stuff. I will change the oven clock to an analog wall clock, thanks for pointing that out.
 
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Okay, now I get the reference.

So there is a sin involoved, and that's good. There's element 3. Now perhaps look for creative ways of exposition to reveal that theme. I had the more modern meaning in mind: a person, often innocent, who is blamed and punished for the sins, crimes, or sufferings of others, generally as a way of distracting attention from the real causes. And here he is (Goatman) wreaking havoc and revenge on the one who perhaps used him as such.

So if you are targeting the biblical sense of the reference, perhaps establish your main character as Jewish since Yom Kippur is involved. In which case, he's clearly not Orthodox given his unorthodox language. And that may be evidence of his sinful nature on the surface, such that he's a more appropriate Scapegoat. (I'm just brainstorming - no need to use this. ;))

"And he that let go the goat for the scapegoat shall wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in water..." Leviticus 16:26
 
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maybe I could have a bible or a bunch of bibles all opened to that page, all eerily placed throughout the house near the ending? That might work to establish the connection.

you mentioned the Half-Man thing before, I don't think the idea of a character whose experienced this before would make much sense in the script, unless that was infact the goatman. which i suppose in a sense, is.

thanks again
 
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ferret_brothel said:
maybe I could have a bible or a bunch of bibles all opened to that page, all eerily placed throughout the house near the ending? That might work to establish the connection.

you mentioned the Half-Man thing before, I don't think the idea of a character whose experienced this before would make much sense in the script, unless that was infact the goatman. which i suppose in a sense, is.

thanks again
Click to expand...

Probably not for this short, but I just included it as a point of reference. The "Half Man" doesn't even need to be human. It's just a plot device to give information about the "monster" to the hero and/or to the audience, like Quint in Jaws and Ash in Alien.

Best of luck on the project. Interesting premise.
 
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