short 6 page script, would love feedback

[gonzo]

Hi all,
i am new to this forum but i hope to be posting fairly often in the upcoming months...

anyway I would love to get some feedback on this script

Also another question. because this film will be my first shot on film, I obviously want to do it right. I was wondering if its a common thing for indie short makers to hire a script editor to run a professional eye over their script. how do i go about hiring a script editor for such a task?

thanks in advance


heres the link (hope it works)

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...N2Y1OS00MDMwLTg5N2YtNTBhZTUxOWEzYThm&hl=en_GB

 

[rayw]

Hi, Gonzo

I'm American.
Maybe it my dull as overt dirt American-ness getting in the way, but this story is going to be a cryptically dry four minutes of a self-naveling confused guy.

Short. Sweet:
- Guy wakes up in a car.
- He don't know nothing about nothing.
- Mumbles some suggestive organized crime goobledy-gok.
- Picks up a cell phone.
- Puts it down on the road.
- Steps back.
_ Turns around and picks it back up.
- Calls on the cell.
- Call activates a ticking bomb in the car.
- The ticking bomb is an incorporation of a real life alarm clock into the above dream.
- Hungover teen has thrown the clock into the suburban driveway.
- His little brother is duded-up behind him.
- The little Kyle was using his drunk brother's stuff for his big Kyle driveway fantasy.
- Done.

Mostly right?

Sounds like some French commercial for perfume.

No. You don't need a script editor.
You certainly don't need to hire one.
In fact, being your "first shot on film" I'd spend as little money as possible, if not pretty much zero.

I'm going to take a wild guess and identify you as the teen.
You have access to a older, 20s, male.
An eight year old brother.
An expensive European car.
Gold watch.
A pink plastic gun.
TWO double bell clocks (both disposable).
Duct tape.
A cell phone.
Empty road.
And a suburban driveway.

Super.

If you're not already all on top of it, when it comes to doing your voice over a reference to the material in this thread may be helpful.

What are your intentions to do with the final product?


GL


Ray

 

[gonzo]

hi rayw,

i guess what i want to show in some way (i dont think its well articulated though) was televisions influence on kids- ie. enough of an influence for a kid to spend his day 'playing out' his favorite tv show. In this case, kyles favorite TV show is supposed to be some sort of generic TV action drama (perhaps like '24').
in saying this, the entire first sequence needs to show some tv action/drama conventions in order for the film to suggest it (hence the really lame VOs). But also wanted to make it subtle enough so it isnt just a parody of such a show....

do you have any ideas on how to clarify this message?

oh yes and re intentions on what to do with the final product. would like to distribute it some film festivals...

cheers,

Vince