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Second Chance
- Thread starter tecknical
- Start date
my first ever script. If it doesn't make sense, I'm sorry. I just got in a writing mood and a couple of hours later this came out. I know it needs HEAVY revisions, but I'm ready for your harshest criticism. Pointers are appreciated too
If you know it doesn't make sense - and you know it needs heavy revisions - do those things before you waste people's time reading it. Make the script as close to great as you can, *then* let people read it to find those things you did not see or things that make sense to you but not to readers. Get it as close as you can.
- Bill
I did a very quick read through the first 2 pages... and the last
The grammar needs revision, like the last two sentences "Whoa man, fuck. I thought you
weren’t gonna kill me". I guess you mean "I thought you were going to kill me?" or "I thought you gonna kill me".
Also the narrator part at the beginning describes far too much about the action. It would be better to talk about feelings or anything else.
Then it becomes an abusive use of the word "fuck", not that I don't use it, on the contrary, but here it doesn't bring much, and far too many fucks can remove the intense you desire, just hearing fuck fuck fuck, instead of the actual meaning.
The rest needs quite some work.
The grammar needs revision, like the last two sentences "Whoa man, fuck. I thought you
weren’t gonna kill me". I guess you mean "I thought you were going to kill me?" or "I thought you gonna kill me".
Also the narrator part at the beginning describes far too much about the action. It would be better to talk about feelings or anything else.
Then it becomes an abusive use of the word "fuck", not that I don't use it, on the contrary, but here it doesn't bring much, and far too many fucks can remove the intense you desire, just hearing fuck fuck fuck, instead of the actual meaning.
The rest needs quite some work.
no, i think thats right, because earlier mike asked the mysterious guy if he was gonna kill him, he said no, so mike thought he wasnt gonna kill him - cuz he said he wasnt.
i fucking LOVED that script. im serious man, ive read a lot of scripts in the past couple of weeks and that is one of the best. the plot may need to be developed a bit more but i can see that being made into a really sweet little short.
I'm the dimwit around here, but here's my penny's worth.
Is Mike really dead? Or is it the Mysterious' man metaphor that being a heroin addict makes him already dead? Or is this like the movie Hide? Is there something else I might be missing? I could very easily be missing the big picture.
Anyway, since the mother killing herself (she did right?) is a guilt trip that Mike's on, it needs to be mixed into the story early.
The thing with short scripts (what makes them so hard) is everything is shown in a short amount of time. So everything needs to be important and intertwined.
Breaking down this script (if I'm reading it correctly, and that's a big if)
1. Mike is being chased and killed in his dream.
2. Gets up and can't find any drugs.
3. Breaks into someone's house and steals drugs. See's stranger.
4. Buys food after getting high. Sees stranger, and chases him. Mike's knocked out.
5. Finds out stranger was sent to help him with second chance.
6. We learn Mike and mom argued over money for drugs. Mom killed herself.
7. Stranger kills Mike. Or Mike is already dead because he's a drug addict.
While these are the basics of the scenes as I see them. And again, I'm a dumbass sometimes (okay more then sometimes), but they need to be interwoven. Mike's guilt, the stranger actually trying to help him with a second chance, they need to be there from the outset.
With shorts, there's usually an AHHH moment at the end, when everything finally makes sense. That's not here, because each scene isn't really connected to the prior. To stress this point, where does Mom get mentioned, shown or thought of before the Stranger mentions her?
ALSO: I should never be one to point out errors in spelling and grammar. But there are quite a few. However, they didn't really kill the read, because you wrote simply, and it was easy to understand where you were going. But, things like Narrator should just have been Mike (VO).
Is Mike really dead? Or is it the Mysterious' man metaphor that being a heroin addict makes him already dead? Or is this like the movie Hide? Is there something else I might be missing? I could very easily be missing the big picture.
Anyway, since the mother killing herself (she did right?) is a guilt trip that Mike's on, it needs to be mixed into the story early.
The thing with short scripts (what makes them so hard) is everything is shown in a short amount of time. So everything needs to be important and intertwined.
Breaking down this script (if I'm reading it correctly, and that's a big if)
1. Mike is being chased and killed in his dream.
2. Gets up and can't find any drugs.
3. Breaks into someone's house and steals drugs. See's stranger.
4. Buys food after getting high. Sees stranger, and chases him. Mike's knocked out.
5. Finds out stranger was sent to help him with second chance.
6. We learn Mike and mom argued over money for drugs. Mom killed herself.
7. Stranger kills Mike. Or Mike is already dead because he's a drug addict.
While these are the basics of the scenes as I see them. And again, I'm a dumbass sometimes (okay more then sometimes), but they need to be interwoven. Mike's guilt, the stranger actually trying to help him with a second chance, they need to be there from the outset.
With shorts, there's usually an AHHH moment at the end, when everything finally makes sense. That's not here, because each scene isn't really connected to the prior. To stress this point, where does Mom get mentioned, shown or thought of before the Stranger mentions her?
ALSO: I should never be one to point out errors in spelling and grammar. But there are quite a few. However, they didn't really kill the read, because you wrote simply, and it was easy to understand where you were going. But, things like Narrator should just have been Mike (VO).
I realized that after about the 5th time I read the script. I'm currently reworking the scenes, tying them together more and polishing the end up.
The idea is that Mike is actually dead but he has been given a second chance to redeem himself. The Mysterious Man character is an angel of sorts that gave Mike his second chance, but seeing as Mike screwed up, he's here to end his life for good.
So, being the dumbass I am, I'd have the following questions:
He's dead. Is he in limbo?
What's the reward for his redemption?
Since the stranger kills him, does he go to hell?
The thing with scripts like this, they need to follow some sort of scripture or belief. If you just make it up, no one will really get it, because they won't know what point of view it's coming from.
If you want to see a few films that kind of follow this theory: Hide (Rachel Miner), The Circle (Angela Bettis). But, I think the closest would be Wristcutters - A Love Story.