You have some problems with the formatting and the dialogue.
Formatting Issues
-- In CeltX, after a parenthetical, you need to hit return to shift to the dialogue mode. You have several cases where the dialogue is formatted like the parenthetical.
-- Be careful not to put acting direction in a parenthetical.
Code:
JOEY KLEIN
(standing up straight and
saluting to an unseen person
off screen) Hello King
Greamer. It is a pleasure to
make your acquaintance
should be
Joey stands and salutes towards the stairs.
JOEY KLEIN
Hello, King Greamer. It's a pleasure to make
your acquaintance.
-- Voice over (V.O.) and Off Screen (O.S.)/Off Camera (O.C.) go after the character's name
Code:
TYLER LE’MOIRE
(V.O.) My parents
KING GREAMER
(off screen) Justin, Jason, we
become TYLER LE'MOIRE (V.O.) and KING GREAMER (O.S.)
This is confusing:
JUSTIN looks to Tyler, eyes glowing ORANGE. TYLER’s body is
slowly shrouded in ORANGE. Spreading his hands, TYLER’s
eyes turn black and he wipes everyone’s memory in a flash of
ORANGE.
Whose eyes are turning orange? Who is wiping everyone's memory? How would I know that as a viewer?
Yes, you're telling the reader, but a viewer watching your short will only see the orange flash. How will they know the memory is wiped?
Dialogue issues
-- A lot of the dialogue repeats that action which makes it redundant.
-- A lot of the characters repeat each other's dialogue which is redundant.
Code:
JUSTIN GREAMER
Our father is planning on [COLOR="Blue"]moving
all of the enslaved humans to a
larger facility [/COLOR]on a nearby
island. This can only mean one
thing
Camera cuts to ALEX’s panicked expression
ALEX BROWN
[COLOR="blue"]He’s planning on enslaving and
killing more humans![/COLOR] (Getting
angry) We HAVE to stop him!
Wouldn't it be easier for him to kill the one's already in the facility to make more room?
I'm sure anyone who knows the comic will understand their powers, but as a total newbie to this series, just seeing the eyes glow colors on the screen would not clue me in. Just seeing eyes turn green doesn't let the viewer know he's absorbing anger.
Remember that the spec script is writing what the audience sees. So when you write "ALEX lifts the tablet with his powers and floats it into JASON’S open hands", you are giving information to the reader of your script that is unavailable to the audience. How do they know that it is Alex? You need to be specific in your script.
Code:
ALEX glances over at the tablet.
[COLOR="green"]CLOSE UP as [/COLOR]the tablet begins to stir and rise.
Alex's eyes follow the tablet as it floats over to JASON and slips into his open hands.
In the spec script the
camera direction would not be included.
There are myriad little issues that you will want to review in this script before shooting it.
