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Script intro, check her out

Intro to a new story I want to tell. I was lookin' for some feedback. I'ma try an finish this thing by summer. I gotta great soundtrack line up that I have in mind. Tell me what you thought.





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I N D I G N A N T
K N I G H T S


WRITTEN
by
Conor J.

STORY
by
Conor J.


LOVERS CROSS PATHS...

LIKE TWO HOT CAR WIRES CROSS ANOTHER...


FIRST DRAFT – EDIT



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Love...
Is a burning thing...
And it makes...
A fiery ring...
Bound by wild desire...
I fell into a ring of fire...


– Johnny Cash, Ring of Fire



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EXT. HIGHWAY 58 – THE DEAD OF NIGHT


Red fluid collects in small pools over white stripes of tar. Blood battered carnage left from a serious ass whoopin'. There is a mangled Mandingo lookin' negro over the pavement, his name's WARREN. He lies sideways on the road with his teeth kicked in and his guts kicked out. He's bleeding like a stuck pig.

The impending danger hanging over his shoulder is MR. WYATT KHAN and MRS. LESLEY KAHN. Two star crossed highway lovers basking in the heat of bloody satisfaction. Behind the scene of the crime is a 1976 Toyota Riviera burning fuel and blaring AL GREEN, CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU. The car belongs to Warren.

It's also important to mention that right next to Warren's set of hot wheels is another. This one belongs to the boys in blue. The former owners of this beautiful black Maria, Sgt. CLIF MCDONNELL and Pvt. NAT GIFFORD, have since been KIA. Both killed in the line of duty while on watch for two jail-broken love birds who flew the coupe.

It's also note worthy and worth mentioning to address Wyatt and Lesley's attire. Wyatt is donning a much too tight copper's blues as is his significant other, only hers is much too baggy. The tag on one of the uniforms reads McDonnell, the other reads Gifford. Blood splattered bullet holes are riddled across each uniform. Wyatt now leans against the butt end of his Remington with genuine nonchalance. By his side is Lesley crouching over Warren with a nightstick slung over her shoulder.


WARREN
(coughing and spitting up blood)
I swear to fuckin' god man, your safe! I won't tell a fuckin' soul, on my mothers grave! Just let me go! I don't wanna' die! Oh God!


WYATT
(holds shotgun to Warren's face)
See this? I oughta' drill this up your ass and break it off just on general principal. But I don't wanna' get my hands dirty.


Warren tears up a little bit and whimpers.


LESLEY
I seen shit like you on every street corner of Inglewood. Dealin' smack, beatin' women, stealin' from your own mommas' neighborhoods. You two-bit Ike Turner motherfuckers make me sick. Let's lynch him.


WARREN
The fuck? I never sold drugs to nobody or nothin' man!


WYATT
Don't play Bambi in the fuckin' woods with me you piece of shit! Or we'll beat you blue til' you shit in your pants!


WARREN
(sniveling)
I'm sorry! Don't hurt me!


WYATT
You believe in heaven Warren?


WARREN
Yes.


WYATT
Than I'd have to assume you believe in a hell?


WARREN
Yes.


WYATT
-Look at me when I'm talkin' to you motherfucker! Do you believe in hell?


WARREN
(Fear for his life in his eyes)
Yes!


WYATT
Than you would agree that there is a devil?


WARREN
Yes!


WYATT
I make that motherfucker look like preschool motherfucker! I put the John Wayne in John Wayne Gacy! I'm Hellraiser I, II, and III! You think for one goddamn second I'ma let your ass off easy you can bet your lucky fucking stars I'ma rain hell on you!


LESLEY
(joyous)
Oh boo can I read him his Miranda rights? I always wanted to do that!


WYATT
Be my guess beach baby.


LESLEY
Oh giddy! Okay than. Ahem...
(mutters “Always wanted to say this”)
You have the right to remain silent.
(WALLOP! Nightstick swings across Warren's chest)


Warren gasps for air. He ain't gettin' any.


LESLEY
Understand? Anything you do and or say will be used in the court of law against you.
(THWAK! Right to the gut)
Understand?


Lesley's in a frenzy now. She bashes his face in like she were tryin' crack open a coconut shell. Wyatt joins in. The fury fades as everything dims to blackness.



CUT TO:

CREDIT SEQUENCE:
ABBA, DANCING QUEEN



I N D I G N A N T K N I G H T S



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Firstly, using the n-word in description, as opposed to a character's dialogue: not cool.

You start off with a really vivid description that could no doubt make for a beautiful opening shot, but it includes a lot of information that's backstory and which we can't see, which is a no no. It's also lumped into one big paragraph, which makes it hard to read. Because of these two issues, it's obvious you haven't been reading "how to write a screenplay" books or professional-level screenplays--or aren't taking their lessons to heart. I would do so if I were you.

Lesley and Wyatt seem like fantastic, larger-than-life characters, albeit very Tarantino-esque. But please tell me they're the villains of the piece....

You start off with some intense conflict that launches you right in, so that's good.
 
I don't find the N word offensive. It's a matter of context. If the president got on TV and said the n word forty four times until it didn't mean anything anymore it wouldn't be seen in such distaste(preachy). I'm sorry I offended you, really. I kinda had to give the back story cause it plays back around and I wanted to start off knowing where I'm gonna end up. It's more self notes than anything. Yeah I'm a sloppy writer. I like just lumping things all together, but your 100% right. The only thing I've read on how to write a screenplay have been the scripts to Mean Streets and Taxi Driver. I'm a stupid :P. Thanks for the feedback bro-ha :D I'ma take most of your advice to heart, truly. BTW Lesly and Wyatt are anti-heros haha sorry to say. I'm a sucker for the anti-hero plot, what can I say.
 
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I'm not offended--I'm just saying if you expect this script to be considered on any professional level other than the film production wing of the KKK, you should probably avoid using both the n-word as well as "negro".
 
Haha since when did negro become racist? What I gotta put Afro American on everything now? Jesus Christ, only bat sh-- crazy black people would ever consider negro racist. That's just from my experience. I just think it's sad that your kinda right lol.
 
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I'm not offended--I'm just saying if you expect this script to be considered on any professional level other than the film production wing of the KKK, you should probably avoid using both the n-word as well as "negro".

Haha, can't say I disagree with that. Nothing wrong with it in the dialogue, but I don't think using racial epithets in character descriptions is very appropriate.

I like the script though - very vivid, very colourful characters, and generally looks like it would play out very well on screen. The description definitely needs work to make it fit with scriptwriting conventions, and just generally be clearer.
 
would you put Craker in the description?
Also did you just ask when the N word became racist? Before you complete your script I would love for you to complete high-school.

I'm sorry but I just can't help you, I feel you aren't taking this stuff seriously.
 
Negro isn't the N word N------ is. It was me taking artistic license with my writing not me attempting to be racist. It's a matter of contexts too. If I had said "big lipped" or "big nosed" or "filthy" that sh-- would be racist. An honestly cracker I'd use the word cracker if it sounded right in context. In fact I probably will for the next character haha. It's not racist if it's in "context".
 
Here is the deff:
sometimes offensive : a member of a race of humankind native to Africa and classified according to physical features (as dark skin pigmentation)

And even your -RO is an ethnic slur.
Deff for ethnic slur: a slur on someone's race or language

Deff for slur: A disparaging remark; an aspersion.

It's one thing to have those in dialog ( I don't like them ) but if they are used for story purposes that's one thing but to use that word in the descriptions just shows you lack of knowledge of words. That will really hurt you in the long run.
What if you get a black person, hell anyone reading your script and that person sees you using that word as a descriptor? That person will most likely think to themself that A) You are a racist or B) You lack understand of words. Both cases are bad for someone who wants to be a writer.
 
You can write whatever you want. As long as you do it well.

I just read "she picks up a HUGE MOTHERFUCKING BUTCHER KNIFE" in the Kill Bill script.

I've always found something interesting in scripts which have interesting description, and that's probably because everybody writes such dead descriptions to focus on the dialogue, but doing both makes for a fun read.
 
You may be able to curse in your descriptions, but using racial slurs will turn a lot of people off, you are not Quentin Tarantino you cannot get away with the same things he can. Bottom line if you turn people off on the first character description your screenplay goes in the circular file and the reader continues onto his day, which probably includs a mountain of screenplays to read.

As far as the actual writing goes. If you can't film it, get it out of there. If your backstory is important to the story, introduce it into the story not into pandering descriptions.

Wyatt is nearly identical in tone, vocabulary, and cadence of Mr. White.

The idea is ok, a little cliched(guy begging for forgiveness, saying he would never tell, cop who is actually bad is in cohorts with the main bad guy)

I feel like I have seen a lot of "ideas" from you and no actual completion of these projects, I think thats probably because of lack of direction, you have cool scenes but no story.

My suggestion would be to get a big assed notebook, and write these ideas in as they come, because you never want to waste an idea. And read a lot of screenplays, not just ones in the genre that you like, but everything. Pretend you are a junkie and your only fix is reading more screenplays. You will learn so much with out even realizing it. Now if you stick to watching taranino films, and scorsese films, your work will read as a second rate tarantino or scorsese. They perfected their style, you can't do better tarantino speak than tarantino. So just find out who you are, and what you want to say to the public. You never want to be a second rate anyone, so be a first rate you.

I can see that you have a passion, and some raw talent. Keep an open mind, and keep pushing. I don't know if you want to direct, or if you just want to write, either way, you have to do some bending to get produced.

Not trying to offend, but if you want to succeed you have to take all input and REALLY look at it and try to see why others think that way.
 
To use a Tarantino example again:

In Inglourious Basterds, there was entire scenes that he wasn't planning on shooting but he wrote them to have the reader understand what's going on that a viewer wouldn't need to see.
 
Look I'm not even gonna waste my time with the notion that I'm racist or my writing is racist. That's quite simply retarded. I'm well aware that Tarantino perfected his dialogue, but to consider it a waste of time to emulate his writing is kind of absurd. Like all this racist banter is getting me on the offensive here. Here's what I have to say, I don't care about the "rules" to writing, I care about the writing. Now if I break the rules that's okay, as long as it works as a piece. The truth is language, the written page, words, have zero rules and zero boundaries. I only know what I like in movies, I use what I like. I like Tarantino dialogue, I like fast paced stories, and I like anti-heroes. Btw whoever labeled my character as Mr. White, your basing that off of little to nothing. Besides you didn't read the opening which is not very cliched where I clearly state that neither of the two are cops. I want criticism so hand it over if you got any, but I really don't appreciate any of you questioning my artistic integrity. Just being perfectly honest. In fact just to justify my use of the out of scene information it's function served as to identify as that these two characters are NOT COPS. They are prison escapees.
 
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My mistake but I wasn't attacking you. If you want to be a screenwriter you have to take criticism. There is no way around that. When you say you don't care about the rules to the writing, thats fine, write short stories or novels. Screenplays are a very specific type of writing. I am not talking about, plot point one has to be on page 30 and the mid act two twist should be on page 50 by the way. Structure is something that should be atleast acknowledged. Screenplays are equally as technical as they are creative.(others may disagree, but its fine)

Like I said, I wasn't attacking you, and no one called you a racist. It was just stated that it was innapropriate to say that in a character description. I can tell I am talking to a wall, and I am done with the thread.

Good luck on the writing bro, it may be excellent and sell for a million dollars, but someone will still have opinions that you should listen too.

Casey
 
Hey I didn't point fingers man and I didn't say anyone called me racist. I welcome criticism with open arms, but no one ever said I had to agree with it. Like I said I'm not even entertaining the notion one word out of a whole page being inappropriate. Not even gonna do it. If there are rules to scriptwriting in particular, rules were meant to be broken. If you think your talking to a brick wall than it looks like I am too. I disagree with you on a base level and I can live with that. I guess I'm alone in liking my writing too, which I can live with as well. I like using a soundtrack to set a mood for the dialogue and I like writing freely, those are two things I'm gonna do no matter what I hear. I don't compromise, I change opinions. If my opinion changes than so will my writing.
 
I don’t really care for the dialogue in this one.

The repetition of swearing is a distraction, and the analogies come off like people in a script talking like people from a movie.

The set-up and tension of the scene hits the mark though.

Compared to other stuff I have read from you, this seems like one step forward and two steps back.

I think you should use a Rod Serling (Twilight Zone) host type character that walks in and sets the stage for things (Your opening action lines), then just walks off and the scene starts like a stage play.
Maybe that character is "The Devil", and glimpses of the world's short comings is the sadistic theater he hosts.

-Thanks-
 
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