Script for a short comedy

[andy15]

Hi,

Finished my script for my comedy 'Dawid and Dominik' tonight, and I'd really appreciate it if you could take a look and give me some feedback.

Thanks to Indio, Kinglis, Brianluce and FantasySciFi for helping me on the previous thread about my film.

There are some parts that I'm not sure work, so it'd be really helpful if you could tell me what works and what doesn't.


Thanks.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD-LONDON, ENGLAND.
A father and son are in the park playing football. The father, DOMINIK is in his late fourties, while his son, DAWID is aged ten. They are both wearing bright orange tracksuits. DOMINIK watches while DAWID places the football down, and takes a run up. He strikes the ball but sends it well wide of the goal.


DOMINIK
Again.
DAWID runs off to fetch the ball. He picks it up, and jogs back to the spot of the previous shot.
DAWID places the ball down, takes another run and shoots. He misses again, sending the ball in the opposite direction, well wide of the goal again.

DOMINIK (CONT’D)
Again.

INT. DINING ROOM-LONDON, ENGLAND.
DOMINIK and DAWID are sitting at a dining room table, eating a plate of chips and a burger infront of them. There is a picture behind them of the two of them with Dawids mother, MARTA.

NARRATOR
This is DAWID and this is DOMINIK.
There is a picture behind them of the two of them with Dawids mother, MARTA.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
After Dawid’s mother left them both to pursue a career in hollywood, Dawid and Dominik jumped on a plane to

EXT. STREET
DOMINIK jumps out a taxi. He puts is hands in the air, and exclaims to the gods..

DOMINIK
..Great Britain!

DAWID walks round from the other side of the taxi, looking at his father, his face in total awe of everything around him.

NARRATOR
After taking up a job at the local pie factory, and consequently losing it a week later due to a startling number of pies vanishing, DOMINIK took it upon himself to be a full time coach to DAWID for a number of things, including..

INT. LIVING ROOM
DOMINIK and DAWID are holding two accordions. DAWID is finishing off a piece, DOMINIK looking on next to him.

NARRATOR
..the accordion..

DOMINIK
Again.

INT. DOMINIK’S BEDROOM
DAWID finishes off one hundread lifts of a dumbell, his father next to him watching.

NARRATOR
..weight-lifting..

DAWID
98..99..100.

INT. DOMINIK’S BEDROOM (CONT’D)

DOMINIK
Again.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD
DAWID takes a throw in, with just his dad there by his side, watching.

NARRATOR
...football...

DOMINIK
Again.

INT. KITCHEN

DOMINIK is standing next to DAWID, who takes out a Pasta bake from the oven, and places it on the table. He looks at his father, who has a motionless face.

NARRATOR
..and cookery.

DOMINIK
Again.

As DAWID walks away to another part of the kitchen, his eyes turn towards the pasta bake sitting on the table.

INT. PARK BENCH
DOMINIK and DAWID are sitting on a bench taking a break from tucking into a couple of burgers, while a portion of chips are placed on their laps.

NARRATOR
After a tough morning football session, the two of them took a well deserved break.

DOMINIK
You know, back at home I was the top scorer at my club for six seasons in a row.

NARRATOR
He wasn’t.

DAWID
How many goals did you score?

DOMINIK
Seventy-nine.

NARRATOR
He didn’t.

A couple walk past, holding hands. Dominik looks up at them, and keeps looking. Dawid looks at his father, then looks at the couple. He keeps looking at his father, and back at the couple.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
It took him a while, but DAWID started to notice something was wrong about his dad. He hadn’t really been the same ever since Marta had left them.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
It was at this moment that DAWID realised what his father really needed.

Dawid’s face suddenly fills with realisationn.

DAWID
A woman.

Dominik looks down at his son, confused.

NARRATOR
So that day, DOMINIK started his search. Placing an ad in the local newspaper seemed successful at first, until the interview process got under way.

INT. HALL

DOMINIK is sitting at a desk, a large woman (WOMAN #1) sitting opposite him, wearing an unflattering dress, with her arms folded

WOMAN #1
Is he good in bed?

Another woman (WOMAN #2) has replaced the first woman, unusually tall, looking down on DAWID.

WOMAN #2
Does he like Barry Manilow?

A different woman now is sitting in the chair (WOMAN #3). She is very small, her voice so timid DAWID has to lean in to listen.

WOMAN #3
I have prepared a song.

She pulls out a crumpled up piece of paper from her handbag, and puts it close to her face. She starts singing to the tune of ‘heartbreak hotel’

WOMAN #3 (CONT’D)
Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell.

Woman #1 is sitting in the chair again, arms still folded.

WOMAN #1
Could he handle a woman of my calibre?

DOMINIK looks up, opens his mouth to start something but slowly closes it again.

Woman #2 is sitting back in the chair. She is slowly pouring out a load of Barry Manilow CDs from her handbag.

Woman #3 is sitting in the chair, still singing to Dawid.

WOMAN #3
It’s down at the end of lonely street at, heartbreak hotel.

DAWID quickly interrupts her before she can continue singing the rest of the song.

DAWID
Sorry. I have a few questions to ask please. What is your occupation?

Woman #3 looks almost heartbroken that she has been interrupted, as if she has been rehearsing the whole night before.

NARRATOR
Ending the interviews with no progress at all, DAWID decided to go to the public library.


INT. LIBRARY
Dawid walks to the front desk at the library, where the librarian is standing on the other side. The look at each other without saying anything for a few seconds, as if both are waiting for each other to say something, before the librarian eventually does say something.

LIBRARIAN
How can I help you?

Dawid responds quickly.

DAWID
I’m looking for a book on love.

The librarian slowly points to a part of the library, and Dawid walks away to where she is directing him.
Dawid walks up to the psychology section of the library. He studies closely the titles of a row of books. He then takes them all out of the shelf, and places them on the table.
He sits down and opens the first book, at the first page. He reads for a few seconds, and then puts it to one side. He looks at the other books on the table, and grabs one of them. He opens the first page.
As he is reading a different book, his eyes start to close. He opens them again, and moves his head closer to the book.
He eyes start to close again, and his head slowly falls on to the table.
In the distance, the librarian is showing a work-experience student how to work a photo copier.

LIBRARIAN
Again.

Dawid wakes up all of a sudden, as he hears the librarian’s dark, cold voice.

LIBRARIAN (CONT’D)
Again. I am late for my accordion lesson.

Dawid walks over to her with a look of wonder on his face, and almost studies her uttering the words to her colleague.

LIBRARIAN (CONT’D)
Again.

The librarian looks over at Dawid, and walks over to the front desk.

LIBRARIAN (CONT’D)
How can I help you?

Dawid just looks back at her, speechless.

NARRATOR
And right there was where Dawid knew he had found his father someone. After the 20 minutes he spent studying the psychology books, the solution was right there, under his nose. This unassuming librarian had no idea where her question would take her.

Dawid rushes quickly back to his desk, and gets his books together. He starts scribbling something down on a note.

(AS NARRATOR DESCRIBES FOLLOWING EVENTS, A MONTAGE REFLECTING THESE EVENTS WILL BE SHOWN)

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Dawid got to work, and set about writing a note which he would sneakily place by the librarian’s mug. The note read, in plain English, that the location of her accordion practice had been rearranged to the park by the library. Dawid then made a phone call to his dad, telling him urgent accordion practice was needed, at the park by the library.

EXT. PARK
Dawid looks on with binoculars to a part in the park. Dominik appears, wearing an accordion. He looks around for Dawid. The librarian turns up with an accordion, and walks towards Dominik slowly, while his back is turned. Dominik slowly turns around, and looks at the librarian. Dawid looks on with his binoculars.

END.

 

[FantasySciFi]

(1) Never use a voice over narration to describe what the audience is already seeing. They see him lifting weights or playing the accordian. The voice over adds nothing constructive to the scene. If you watch movies or TV, they often use voice over narration to introduce an activitity generally and allow the visual to be its own explanation.

                          NARRATOR (V.O.)
         Dawid's father has been a big part of his life 
         since his mother left to become a Hollywood 
         star.  He taught Dawid music ...

INT.  HOME, LIVING ROOM - DAY

DOMINIK and DAWID each hold accordions. DAWID finishes a piece 
as DOMINIK bobs his head dramatically beside him.

                          DOMINICK
               (to Dawid)
          Again!

                          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          And sports ...

etc.

The audience sees what's happening, they don't need to be told. That's commonly referred to as exposition. It's best to keep narration to a minimum. Some filmmakers and screenwriters go so far as to try to avoid it altogether.

(2) Believability. While comedy doesn't have to be believable, you need to sell the audience that a 10 year old is interviewing these women and they take him seriously. The dialogue didn't seem realistic to me. Why would a woman ask a 10 year old boy if his dad is good in bed? I didn't believe the ending. It was overly contrived.

(3) Flat characterization. You have some wonderful opportunities to develop Dawid, Dominik and the librarian. I would especially develop the dialogue with the librarian. I mean, Dawid has to realize that whatever woman he hooks his dad up with will be his future mom! You describe her "dark, cold voice"--that seems more like evil stepmom to me! His dad seems more like a pain.

(4) Story line. The story has three basic elements: the introductions, the build-up, and the resolution. The build-up and resolution are lacking. It's like you had a good idea then decided just to say, "and they lived happily ever after. the end." Part of the problem is you don't give your idea the full development it deserves. If you need to keep it to five pages, the best advice is to get rid of all the narration.

I don't mean to seem overly critical. I think you have a solid idea and would like to see you develop it. The first (1) observation addresses a mis-use of narration to give exposition. The last three are about how you draw in (or turn away) the viewer/reader. The viewer is willing to suspend belief to an extent.

Shorts are not short stories, they are succinct visual stories. Your script does too much telling rather than creating believable characters trying overcome a problem.

INT.  LIBRARY - DAY

Dawid pulls a book from the shelf with the title "Finding Love".  He
heads to a carrel and sits down.

A patron approaches a librarian at the desk.  She takes him over to
the photocopier and places it down.

Dawid opens the book and begins reading.

                                DAWID (V.O.)
            The secret to love is compatibility.

In the background, the librarian speaks to the patron.

                                LIBRARIAN
            That's right.  You've got it.  Again.

Dawid's head pops up and spins about to stare at her.
etc.

I don't have to explain to the viewer/reader what's happening. They get it without elaborate set up.

The ending, well, it needs more work. The librarian isn't going to be so gullible to believe the note. Especially not the kind that would say, "Again!". I think he might be more direct. Perhaps ask her if she has any books on accordian music because his dad is teaching him to play. That might spark her curiosity. Then he might invite her to play with them in the park.

For this to work believably for me, I need to like all three of them and want them to get together as a family. As it is at the moment, they don't seem real and behave in a very contrived manner.

Again, I like the concept, and I think it can be cleaned up and more fully developed to be top mark. Good luck.

 

[CHamburger]

I liked it but have to side with Fantasy. It could benefit from better characterization with more believable attributes. And Maybe extend it to show his dad interacting more with the librarian, Dawid still looking through binoculars, then sits back and sighs relief to himself when he sees his dad smiling and laughing with her or something else that indicates a mutual romantic interest. What if you made him a bit older? And kind of made that first woman a little more timid about asking if his dad was good in bed? kinda like dancing around it, then finally after confusion takes place, she drops "IS he good in bed?". Just some thoughts, keep it up.

 

[Nicola]

I disagree with the above. I like the narrations. I read through it with the voice of Ron Howard as the narrator! Watch Arrested Development for a great comedy that works with narration.
Although perhaps this is a humour thing, AD got axed due to ratings in the US.

 

[Abraxas Studios]

I think for that final part, the Narrator doesn't need to be there at all. Being shown what is going on is enough, it has potential though.

It's a bit hard to read too, have you thought about downloading a free script writing program, like CeltX?