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Script excert I'm working on.

I'm writing this script that I'm unsure is either really cool or really lame. This is my first screenplay and I'm just starting to take cinematography and creative writing courses. I'm going to begin directing independent pictures in a few years and this is a test for me on whether I should direct my own writing. Please tell me if you think it sucked hard or was enjoyable. I would also appreciated checking out the soundtracks. And as for copy write I do not care. If you want to steal from me be my guest cause I honestly don't have much there to steal anyway. I would be flattered. BTW THIS IS A LOT LESS THAN WHAT I HAVE! In fact it's only the first chapter, I just can't fit everything else in there.
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INTRODUCTION. - 1. INT. 78' HONDA CIVIC - MIDNIGHT


The camera shows the moon in frame to the song Blue Moon by Elvis Presley.
The camera then slowly zooms out to show that it's been looking at the
moon through a window inside of a car. There is a moment of repose silence and
then a crowbar smashes open the window. Two men enter the car, one is white
with tattoos over his arm and is wearing a biker over coat, camo pants, and sports a very prominent goatee.
The other is black, wearing jeans and a brown over coat. The black man
has a perm, scruff facial hair, and gold Elvis sunglasses about him. The white
guy's name is Harley and the black guy's name Quincy.
Quincy has a backpack with him slung over his shoulder as he slings
it into the backseat of the car. After they get in the car Harley is looking
around in the drivers seat in slight confusion and aggravation after briefly going down to
hot-wire the car. Quincy looks at him with equal AGRIVATION. Both men appear to be SWEATING
and PANTING like dogs in heat.

HARLEY
(Disappointment)
Awe shit.

QUINCY
(Annoyed)
What? The fucks a matter?

HARLEY
I don't drive stick.

QUINCY
(More annoyed)
The fuck you mean you don't drive stick?

HARLEY
Well I gotta- (cut off)

QUINCY
There's about half a fuckin' football team of brain eatin' fuckin' zombies in the goddamn
apartment we just ran outta' and all you can say is you don't drive motherfuckin' stick?
Well learn nigga' c'mon!

HARLEY
(“Fine, Have it your way” Attitude)
Okay, okay. Your fuckin' funeral.


The camera shows the stick get pushed to full drive as they drive off in a piece of shit Honda Civic.


HONDA CIVIC(MOVING)


HARLEY
I mean look at it this way man, you've got an entire armada of
flesh masticatin' I don't know what roamin' around the streets of L.A.
That shit is just begging for a motherfuckin' car wreck.

QUINCY
(Focused on the road)
Well, I don't know bout' that, just keep your eyes on the road
that's all.


As they drive off a zombie scuffles into the middle of the street and gets hit by the
Honda BARRELING down the road. Zombies in the movie are basically
slow moving regular-ish looking humanoid creatures that are a bright shade of green.
Disorientated by the crash however, Harley proceeds to crash into a fire hydrant and
then a telephone pole. The screen then fades out to black.

CUT TO CREDIT SEQUENCE:

The song Tequila by The Champs starts to play as the credits roll.
PARASSITI LIMBO


2. INT. GRIM APARTMENT COMPLEX – MIDDAY


The camera fades in on an ol' dank stained mattress with what appears to be a
medical kit, two boxes of shotgun shells, and one sawed off
shotgun. A hand is shown on the screen pointing until the camera
cuts to a different angle showing the rest of the character.
The character pointing and talking is Mr. Brownstone. The song
Sunshine Superman by Donovan is playing softly in the background.
Mr. Brownstone is a white guy with khaki pants, a white
button down, and a red tie. He's a FAST talking MOTOR mouth.


BROWNSTONE
Okay, now the med kit is gonna be five rations,
the shells are two per box, and the shotgun's twelve rations.
Now the shotgun itself is twelve, but if you want that and
the med kit together it'll only cost ya' fourteen. Look,
I'm no merchant of death here Harley. I am a merchant of
survival, and if you wanna survive the undead cascade,
best way to do it is with a bandage on your hip and a
shotgun in your grip.

HARLEY
Alright. Um, you got any revolvers or anything
lighter than that? I want something intimidating but
you know, not um' too much.

BROWNSTONE
Bingo.


Brownstone digs into a drawer and pulls out a colt 45.


BROWNSTONE
Here you go amigo. M nineteen eleven
pistol. Colt 45. if your too illiterate for that. Single action
semi-auto holds seven rounds plus one in the chamber.
That is if your dumb enough to put a round in the
chamber. So hey, what do you need the shit for anyway?
Not that it's any of my business.

HARLEY
That's right. It's not...
(AKWARD pause)
(Laughing)
Nah I'm just messin'
with ya'. Um some job I gotta do. You know just a work thing.

BROWNSTONE
So what'd this guy do? Rip off the
Big B? Kill somebody?

HARLEY
Beats me. For all I know the guy ain't done diddly-shit.
Him and some other cat are supposed to be in this apartment
down on Moe-berry lane.

BROWNSTONE
Across from Bruger's?

HARLEY
That's the one.

BROWNSTONE
Huh. I get my bagels there.

HARLEY
Yeah well, all I gotta do is hold em' up at
gun point in that dank ass excretion hole of a condo,
bring em' back to the club, and cha-ching mission accomplished. If all
else fails I get to drop em' right there on the spot.

BROWNSTONE
That's some cold ass shit.

HARLEY
Hey man, you rather be unemployed?

BROWNSTONE
No but that ain't exactly saving grace neither.

HARLEY
You gotta problem with what I do?
You ain't exactly Bambi in the fuckin' woods Charlie Brown.

BROWNSTONE
Hey look I never said I didn't think
the ends justified the means. Cause if you wanna
know the truth about it, the means are the end.

HARLEY
Now wait one damn second here. Lemme' try to put this in to perspective for you.
All right you sell guns and ammunition, right?

BROWNSTONE
Last time I checked.

HARLEY
Well what puts you on any moral high ground
above me or anyone else that does what I do?

BROWNSTONE
Were living in a tough time here partner,
these days you've got cut corners just to see tomorrow.
I mean we've got a planet filled to the brim with the walkin' dead.
Way I see it, the world is divided into two camps of people. The ones who've got the brains to get ahead and the ones who got no brains and they're all dead.
So you gonna go with the man canon or what?

HARLEY
Yeah, I'll take it. Just gimme that and the med pack.
You got cartridges for this thing?

BROWNSTONE
KKK and yes I do. Alright that's a sum
total of twelve rations my brother.


They exchange.


HARLEY
Brother from another grandmother. Alright,
pleasure doin' business with ya' Mr. Brownstone.

BROWNSTONE
Pleasures all mine Harley.


The screen fades out.


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CHAPTER 1. THE HORRIBLE BIKER MASSACRE - 1. INT. VINTAGE 74' CAMARO (MOVING) - VERY EARLY MORNING


The camera fades in inside a car with a man bleeding in the backseat of a vintage Camaro.
Another man is driving. The one in the back bleeding violently and WRITHING in pain is black, while the one in the driver's
seat is white. The white man is wearing a leather jacket, a blood splattered
blue T-shirt, and jeans. The black man is wearing a purple suit jacket, an orange button down shirt,
purple formal pants, and reddish multicolored tie. He is a big man with a handlebar mustache and the white guy is smaller with spiked up hair, blue eyes, and leather gloves. The black guy is Lawrence and the white guy Marv.


LAWRENCE
Fuck! Aughhhh! I'm gonna fuckin' die! I'm fucking dying!

MARV
Were you fuckin' bit? Were you fuckin' bit!? Hello!? Say something please!?
Were you fuckin' bit?

LAWRENCE
I don't know! I don't know! Oh god! It hurts so fuckin' bad! Marv, I'm sorry!
I'm so fuckin' sorry!

MARV
No, no don't be sorry! It wasn't your fault big guy! C'mon man, look at you! Your
twice my fuckin' size! Your not gonna die!

LAWRENCE
Aughhh! Yeah- but what if I was bit!? I don't even fuckin' know it hurts so bad!
I think I was slashed by the machete on accident but I dunno! I dunno! Ughhh!

MARV
Don't you fuckin' say that! You weren't fuckin' bit! I saw it, I saw it and you did not
get bit! Your fuckin' fine, alright big guy! Were gonna get ya' to Doctor Bob, were gonna call your
cousin and he's gonna fix all this shit right up!

LAWRENCE
Marv, I'm fuckin' passing out! I'm gonna fucking pass out!

MARV
No your not! Oh no your not! Stay with me Lawrence! Stay fuckin' with me! Were gonna get ya'
ta' Doctor Bob and he's gonna make ya' right as rain! Okay buddy? Okay?

LAWRENCE
Okay. (whimpering)... Okay.


The camera fades out.


2. INT. DARK GRUNGY BASEMENT - STILL EARLY MORNING


It fades back in with Marv busting open a door in what appears to
be a dark MUSTY basement. A man follows behind him, he is Doctor Bob. Marv pulls a light
bulb chain and brings light to the room. The room is filled with tools and doctors equipment.
There is a barber's chair in the middle of the room that Marv sets Lawrence down on.
Bob is in a standard doctor attire with dried blood splatters.


MARV
He's passed out now, but he's still breathing.

BOB
Okay. I'll see what I can do. I'll try to get him patched up, but if he's bit were gonna have
to put him down.

MARV
Do you know who this is? Do you have a single fuckin' clue as to who the fuck this
chump is!? He's The Bear's cousin, his own goddamn flesh and blood! Now don't fuckin' tell me you'd
even think about putting a fuckin' bullet through his head on my goddamn fuckin' watch!

BOB
Okay, okay. Chill. I was just sayin' if and only if.

MARV
I don't wanna hear no motherfuckin' ifs. This motherfucker lives or I fuckin' die, plain
and simple. This dumb son of a bitch is me right now and I look like shit. So you better patch
my ass up before I start takin' a dirt nap and you start takin' one a week from now when Sugar Bear
fuckin' finds out.

BOB
Alright. I've got you Marv. Consider it done, all I need from you is to go up stairs
call Sugar Bear and tell him... (looking over at Lawrence)

MARV
Lawrence.

BOB
Lawrence here is doin' A-OK with a capital A.

MARV
Alright, I'll be right back.


The camera follows Marv upstairs in what appears to be a general store. He pulls out his cell phone
and starts to dial.


MARV
Shug' what's poppin'? I'm alright, I'm just callin' to tell you I got that thing done with Lawrence,
but I just gotta stop at my friend Bob's house while I run a quick little errand... yeah, I'll be on my way
back in a few hours or so. Well, not a quick errand but, I'm gonna be pretty occupied with Lawrence here
none the less... I will, okay Big B. see ya' later. Buh-bye.


The camera follows Marv back downstairs. Bob is there smoking a cigarette looking at Lawrence out
cold on the chair.


MARV
What's the word? Is he gonna be alright?

BOB
Oh, glad to see your done PMSing. Good news is he's not bit and he's gonna live.

MARV
Stop right there. Are you implying that there's bad news?

BOB
Well, it's gonna be a little while till we can safely move him. He lost a lot of blood.

MARV
Acuma matata bitch, I got it under control.


An engine roars somewhere outside.


BOB
What the fuck is that?

MARV
Beats me.

BOB
Stay here, I'm gonna take a look.


Bob goes upstairs while Marv stands around over by Lawrence. Bob comes back downstairs
with his hands up and a shotgun behind his back. A biker named Martell is the one with the
shotgun.


MARTELL
Get in that corner over there. Get over there!


Martell walks up to Marv.


MARTELL
Hi. My name's Martell. Welcome to hell.


Martell hits Marv over the head with his shotgun and knocks him out.


The camera fades.


3. EXT. TIGER PIT (ZOO) - EARLY MORNING SUN HALF SHOWING


The camera fades in with a biker looking down at the camera in and out of focus. The
song Cannibal Holocaust by Riz Ortolani is playing in the background. The camera shows Marv rubbing
his head in MUDDLED confusion. The biker's name is Hank. Hank is a short white guy with
a John Wayne cowboy hat on his head with some standard biker attire.


HANK
Wakey Wakey. Eggs and bakey.

MARV
Where the fuck am I?

HANK
Your in a fuckin' tiger pit sleepy head. Don't worry there's no tigers in there
anymore, but we do have a few friends of ours who wanna join your play pen.

MARV
You assholes! What the fuck are you up to!? Cut the shit!

MARTELL
Oh your awake! Perfect timing. I was just about to introduce you to your
new friends. Well you could use a new friend now anyway on a count of we were just about
to get rid of your old one.

MARV
The fuck are you talking about? Bob is right down here next ta' me ya' piece of
shit.

MARV
Oh no. I was talkin' about your blood brother up here. Yeah, looks ta' me like I'd be doin' him
a favor.

MARV
Don't even fuckin' think about it! I'll make you wish you were never even a gleam in your mother's eye,
you piece of shit!

MARTELL
No. You won't.


Martell shoots Lawrence in the chest with a shotgun. Lawrence writhes in more pain and then
dies.


MARV
Goddamn it! God fucking damn it! I'm gonna rip off your balls and make you
wear em' for earrings you biker fuck!

MARTELL
Huh, you know your last name wouldn't happen to be Alzheimer would it?

MARV
(Sneering)
Fuck you!

MARTELL
Ya' see cause I have ta' keep on tellin' ya' this to remind you or whatever, but no, You ain't gonna
kill me, ya' aint gonna touch me, and you sure as shit aint gonna get fuckin' fresh with me.
No, your gonna sit down in that tiger pit while we throw us a little George Romero convention,
with you two as our guests of honor. You know they say the undead, eat
everything on the human body except for the eyes. Kinda paints a funny picture don't it?
Just a' sorta meatless skeleton with a pair a' big blue beady eyes starin' into oblivion.


Martell is smoking a cigarette.


MARV
(Stern full)
Come on! Lets go Lee Van Cleef! Get your Rawhide down in here like a real cowboy!

BOB
What the fuck is happening?

MARV
Bob it's a shit storm here, and were in the eye of a goddamn hurricane.

MARTELL
Listen to me Rowdy Yates. You can either die a slow and painful death by getting' your limbs and
guts torn apart by a pack of flesh hungry ghouls, which sure as your born they will do, or you can suffer
something much worse. I could pull ya' both up on outta'
that pit, march ya' into Hank's garage and have him burn yall' alive with a little gasoline and a blow torch.
Oh by the way this is Hank. Hank, shit-heads, shit-heads, Hank. So I've just gotta' ask you one question.
Which will it be? The slow and horribly painful death or the other slow and painfully horrible death?

MARV
(Smug)
If I guess right can I go for double Jeopardy?

MARTELL
The first one. That is a good choice, that's what I would have went with myself.
See my colleague Hank over here has a cage of about... one, two, three, four...
eight brain deads in the back of his truck, which is quite commodious as a matter of fact. Truthfully the
whole thing is very umm... what's the word I'm looking for?

MARV
(Even more smug)
Homo-erotic?

MARTELL
Accommodating. Yeah, that's it. Hey Hank.

HANK
Yeah?

MARTELL
Empty the cage.

BOB
Why the fuck are you senseless sons of bitches even doing this?

MARTELL
The Partridge Family got canceled. Oh here, I almost forgot.


Martell throws a baseball bat and crowbar into the pit.


MARTELL
I figure I get to watch you do this maybe a little longer than thirty some odd seconds
with that.

HANK
Hang on, lemme turn up the tunes. How bout' a little KWB radio, plays all the hits. I hope you two are fans of the golden oldies.


Hank turns up radio and the song Kung Fu Fighting plays in his car radio. This is shown with a quick cut to Hank Pressing
A button on his radio. The zombies all stumble into the tiger pit. Bob grabs the crowbar and Marv grabs
the baseball bat. They both continue to beat the ever living SHIT out of the zombies. They have small
pauses of thought, trying to conceive a plan to escape. Three of the zombies are wearing blue swat 70's uniforms.


HANK
I'm onna' be right back, I gotta take a piss.


Marv picks up a rock and hits it with his baseball. He hits Martell in the head knocking him out cold as
he fires a shot in the air. Bob then lifts Marv up out of the pit. Hank comes stumbling back in shock.


MARV
Get the fuck back, with your hands up!


Marv then helps Bob up out of the pit.


MARV
Well Bob, what do you think we should do with these two crazy kids?

BOB
Jeez Marv. What shouldn't we do with em'?

MARV
Oh hey I just got a great idea. I swear I could have just had motherfuckin' revelation for a moment
there. Bob?

BOB
Yeah?

MARV
Load em' in the truck. Were gonna see what makes a psychopath tick.

HANK
No don't.

MARV
I'm sorry were you just sayin' something? Oh your all done now, good. Excuse me while I give
you and your statement there a little consideration.


Marv knocks Hank out with the shotgun's butt end. Bob tosses Marv the keys to Hank's
truck. The screen then fades to black as they drive off.


4. INT. CABALOORE CLUB - EARLY MORNING SUN IS UP


The screen fades in on a white guy drinking at the bar of a club, filled to the brim with blue black lights.
The white guy's name is Larson. He's a tough looking man with a head of light orange hair spiked up.
His facial hair consists of scruff. He is wearing a black Zeppelin T and baggy goth pants. The song
You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate is playing in the background. The club is also generally isolated during that time of day.


LARSON
See arson has a lot more to it than most people give it credit for. It ain't just lighten fires and
blowin' shit up. Any Pillok with a box a' matches can do that. It's all about technique. I mean you've gotta'
have some malicious finesse when your lightin' up a building or some shit town monument. Like I was
doin' a job one time down in Acapulco, I set fire to this Cathedral some gringo wanted me to burn down.
I made this whole opaque collage of gasoline around the alter, the ambry, the ambo, the monastery, fuck it even the fuckin' steeples. When I set it on fire, I was almost disappointed to see it burn away like that. It just lit up like Christmas morning. I mean what do you think about this kinda' work, and don't gimme some knee-jerk, tip toe fuckin' answer neither. C'mon, it's art, crime, bullshit, or what?

The bartender muffles.

BARTENDER
(Disinterest)
I don't know man, whatever milks your goat.

LARSON
Fuckin' right. That's what I thought.

Bob and Marv come crashing in with Lawrence. They set him down on a table and the bartender runs over.

BARTENDER
Hey, hey, hey, is that guy okay?

BOB
Only okay for a dead guy.

BARTENDER
Fuck me. What happened?

MARV
You don't even wanna know. Where the fuck is he?

BARTENDER
Big B? Just missed him. He's out getting' groceries.

MARV
Alright, Bob you cover him up with somethin', and I guess I'll have ta' be the bear of bad news and tell the Bear.

Marv goes into another room more isolated. He spends time calming down and getting prepared and
practicing what to say. He then takes a deep breath and calls the Bear.

The camera fades.
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Thank you dude. :D I tried to give my dialogue melody. I'll post a bit of my better stuff below!

Heres the second chapter

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CHAPTER 2. THE FEARLESS ZOMBIE KILLERS - 1. EXT. WAREHOUSE - MIDDAY


Two men in blue 70's swat team attire, similar to Roger and Peter in Dawn of the Dead stand guard in front of a brick warehouse leaning up against the wall. In the background GUNSHOTS are heard coming from inside the warehouse. Both men are white. One has blond hair, his name is Blondie, the other one has brown hair and a mustache on his face. He is a SHORT man, and his name is Smitty. Smitty sports a blue cap turned backwards on his head while Blondie is chomping a short cigar in his mouth. Blondie is a SQUINTY eyed with NONCHALANCE, while Smitty being in opposition to that is a more loud mouth OBNOXIOUS guy. Smitty carries a H&K MP5 submachine gun, while Blondie wields a RUGER MINI semi-auto rifle. The two proceed to converse. Also the cigar found in Blondie's mouth is there every second he is ever on screen.


SMITTY
He walks like a zombie, he talks like a zombie, he looks like a zombie, he's a zombie.

BLONDIE
Zombies don't talk.

SMITTY
Moans, grunts, whatever. You know what the fuck I'm sayin'.

BLONDIE
Frankenstein is a monster movie, Frankenstein being the monster. Thus Frankenstein is not a zombie. He's monster.

SMITTY
What's the difference? Look, give me your criteria for being a zombie.

BLONDIE
Well for one you've gotta' be undead, aside from all that stupid fuckin' 28 Days Later viral bullshit. Number two, you gotta have a stagger like a drunk at hockey game and number three, you've gotta have the mindless droning-

SMITTY
See? All of them reasons-

BLONDIE
Number four. You have to be absolutely prone to eating either A, human flesh or B, human brains and as I recall Frankenstein eats neither of the two. Frankenstein is synonymous with monster, case and point.

SMITTY
Shit. What the fuck does Frankenstein eat?

BLONDIE
I don't know. Tostito's?

SMITTY
What do you think they think about anyway?

BLONDIE
What do I think what thinks about anyway?

SMITTY
The zombies.

BLONDIE
They don't fuckin' think Smitty, their dead.

SMITTY
Well they obviously aint dead cause they're fuckin' moving around.

BLONDIE
My car moves when I drive it Smitty. Does that mean my car is alive?

SMITTY
That's fuckin different and you know it. I'm not talkin' about some possessive night rider hoo-doo voodoo shit, I'm talkin' about a biological organism.
Your car don't have a heart nor a lounge so it aint even the same goddamn thing.

BLONDIE
Okay, so what do I think zombies think about, assuming that they think? Well my first guess would probably be something like the following. Brains for diner, brains for lunch, brains for breakfast, and brains for brunch. My other guess would probably have to do with what happens after they eat all a' humanity. I mean what are they gonna do when they eat every last human being? Go to club med?

SMITTY
Zombies don't think that far ahead. That's why they walk so slow. If they moved faster, that'd mean they think faster, another reason 28 Days Later is such a shit anchor.

BLONDIE
I do agree with you there. 28 Days was a shit anchor. Whatever happened to the good old days? Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, I Walked With a Zombie.

SMITTY
Don't forget Umberto Lenzi. Gotta respect the Nightmare City.

BLONDIE
You mean City of the Walking Dead?

SMITTY
No, I mean Nightmare City. It's the same movie just one of those(a shotgun blast is heard very loudly interrupting his sentence)... lost in translation things. Like it's gotta a bunch of titles or whatever. I think it also went by Invasion of the Atomic Zombies.

BLONDIE
Wait. Weren't both those movies like that piece of shit 28 Days Later?

SMITTY
In what way?

BLONDIE
In the way that there's a viral out break, zombies can run, all that shit?

SMITTY
First of all it's not both movies cause I already told you they're the same movie under different names. Secondly don't ever compare 28 Days Later to Nightmare City ever again.

BLONDIE
You mean City of the walking Dead?

SMITTY
Goddamn it, I mean Nightmare City! They're the same fuckin' movie!

BLONDIE
Then why do they have different titles?

SMITTY
I don't know! They just do! And 28 Days Later was different from Nightmare City for one big fuckin' reason.

BLONDIE
Indulge me.

SMITTY
Nightmare City it was just a viral epidemic. 28 Days Later it was a fuckin' monkey. There's your fuckin' difference.

BLONDIE
That's not a bad point. C'mon let's act like were doin' somethin' I think they're comin' back out.


Both Smitty and Blondie stand up straight and at a more focused state of attention. The double doors to the warehouse swing open as a man with slicked black hair and a bloody machete over his should comes out, followed by a man with a short goatee and a black banana on his head. The man with slick black hair is Kowalski, the other is Larry. Kowalski is a crazy mad dog killer, Larry is a more logical, almost paranoid skinny white guy. Kowalski has blood all over him and has a devil's smirk on his face. Larry comes out a bit more self contained scratching at his goatee. Both men are wearing the same attire as Blondie and Smitty. Kowalski carries an MP5, while Larry carries a sawed off double barrel shotgun.


KOWALSKI
Did you fuckin see that!? Like a fuckin tomato hittin' the pavement! I took the little one's fuckin' head up against that table saw in the back room, and it was just like zZZZz(imitation the sound made by the saw)! Blood spewed out of his big fuckin' melon head like a sprinkler!(Laughing) Holy shit!

LARRY
Yeah that was some shit man. Hey, you guys see anything come by out here, Blondie? Smitty?

SMITTY
Nothin' out here Lar'(short for Larry). Just our dicks in the wind.

KOWALSKI
Well were movin' in closer to the heart of darkness boys. So heres your time to shine. Just to remind ya' these folk don't know who we are. They don't much give a shit who we are. Now let's make em' both know and give a shit. Yall' with me?

BLONDIE
Yeah Kowalski. I'm with ya'.

LARRY & SMITTY
Yeah were with ya' man.

KOWALSKI
Well alright baby. Lets get this show on the road. Everybody in the soul submarine.


The camera fades as they walk over to their blue cargo van. The cargo van has graffiti tagged all over it. Most notably in big words is SOUL SUBMARINE sprayed on the side of the vehicle.


2. EXT. JUNKYARD DOG'S JUNKYARD – NEXT MORNING


Zombie bodies and LIMBS are found everywhere. The four are sitting around the junkyard chillin'. The cargo van radio is playing the song Hand Clapping Song by The Meters. There is a man in a wife beater and jeans talking to the four. He's a real grease monkey and obviously one of the Junkyard Dogs.


GREASE MONKEY
Gimme one good reason why I should tell you anything? You can't help us. This is up shits creek, you know that. Ain't you boys never heard of the point of no return?

KOWALSKI
If there is nothing we can do to help, then tellin' us can't possibly hurt. So there is no reason not to. And comparde lemme' tell you, if there is such a thing as the point of no return, it's a line were willin' to cross with genuine nonchalance. So long as we can blow away enough of these fucking undead shamblers. So why don't you go on an tell me where I need to go to find the real undead armada?

GREASE MONKEY
Who the hell are you gauchos anyway? There aint' no fucking police force no more.

KOWALSKI
I'm glad you asked that. We are the illustrious, far-famed, world known, both acclaimed and distinguished, lionized and legendary, zombie hunters. Now why don't you tell me where I can find the most potent outlet for these goddamn undead S.O.B.s?

GREASE MONKEY
(laughing) Alright fine. I'll tell you what you need to know. Just don't say I told ya' so.


The grease monkey pulls a map out of his back pocket.


GREASE MONKEY
See here.(points to a red highlighted area on the map) That right there is the near epitome of exactly what you lunatics are lookin' fer'. An you can keep the map, but that right there, that is Dante's Inferno. Don't be surprised if you find Satan himself greetin' you in when you get there. Cause to be perfectly honest you don't much stand a snowballs chance in hell. For my money at least.

KOWALSKI
Boys?

SMITTY, BLONDIE, & LARRY
Yeah?

KOWALSKI
Get your shit an let's go. Were headin' towards the Divine Comedy.

LARRY
You got it boss.


The camera fades


3. INT. CARGO VAN – STILL MORNING


LARRY
This reminds me of a summer job I had as a kid.

SMITTY
(Laughing) Whoa now! Don't go fuckin' tellin' me you grew up as John fucking Dillinger!

LARRY
(Laughing) Not like that, not like that. The actual job doesn't even remotely remind me of this right now, but I'm just like saying it's in the same sorta' context.

KOWALSKI
So what'd you used to do?

LARRY
Well, when I was sixteen I used to work at a Frank and Stein's.

KOWALSKI
Frankenstein's?

LARRY
No Frank and stein's

BLONDIE
That old chain of monster themed fast food joints?

LARRY
Yeah.

SMITTY
Hey man no offense to your profession or anything but they had some seriously fuckin' terrible burgers when I went there last. I swear the meat they used had to have been sittin' on those vermin infested floors they had in that joint. They'd always gimme' a fuckin toy with each meal too.

BLONDIE
You ordered from the kids menu? What are you eight years fuckin' old?

SMITTY
No, I ordered a regular motherfuckin' cheese with fries and the bitch at the window hands me my burger slapped in mayonnaise, no fuckin' cheese and then I look inside and find a fuckin' Winny the Pooh wind up toy in there. I just said fuck it, forget it. Never again.

LARRY
Granted the boo burgers there were fuckin' horrible but hey, anything else you wanna add before you interrupt my story again?

SMITTY
No, I'm set.

LARRY
Okay, so like I was sayin' I used to work the window there on weekends and when I say I worked, I mean I WORKED. They had me runnin' the clock there 9' ta' 5' down there. Moppin' the floors, takin' orders, stackin' shit, they worked the living fuck outta' me. So what happen was, every time I got a lunch break I'd sneak myself into the men's room and spark a joint just to ease up the day a little bit. I did this shit early in the morning too, so hardly anyone was pullin' through there. Well one day I was in the restroom, up in smoke and outta' nowhere I heard these fuckin' foot steps clappin' against the marble tiling. I look under and it's a fuckin' cop walkin' into take a piss in the urinal. And I'm just like oh fuck, oh shit, game over man. So this cop flushes the pisser and goes straight to the sink to wash his hands. My heart is beating like a fuckin' hummin' bird, I mean I was like it's fuckin' over. An I couldn't stop thinkin' how this was more scared than I've ever been when I was sixteen years old. The cop is washing his hands and I'm just thinkin' in my head, leave. Just fuckin' leave already, but he just keeps scrubbin' away at his mitts. He was using soap and everything, I mean this guys hands had to look like fuckin' mirrors by now. So when the facet stops and the room is completely absent of any kind of fuckin' noise, I heard heard him do one of these. (Larry imitates the cop sniffing) I was like oh fuck what now. The cop goes over to the door knocks twice and says to me “anyone in there?”. So I just did the first thing that came through my fuckin' head to get out of this jam. I unlock the door and as he creeps a peek to look inside I whip out my dick and just start chaifin' away. I beat my dick like a fuckin' human jack hammer and before that guy even noticed or cared to look and see if that smoke was coming from that joint in that bathroom, he split like a motherfuckin' banana peal.


They all laugh.


KOWALSKI
(Laughing)
How the fuck does that relate to what were doin' in any way, shape, or form Larry?

LARRY
Both situations require me to go head first into some seriously deep shit.

KOWALSKI
(Laughing)
Yeah well, you better get your swim trunks on cause were gonna be swimming in some seriously deep shit today.


The camera fades.


4. EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT – MIDDAY


The song 25 Miles by Edwin Starr starts to play. The four are shown walking in SLOW-MOTION with there weapons over there shoulders as they walk through the parking lot. They
then stop looking up ahead at an isolated mall. Kowalski pulls out his map out from his back pocket.


KOWALSKI
Hold up. I think this is it.

BLONDIE
You sure about that? It looks empty.

KOWALSKI
No. This is it. Let's go inside an get to work.

BLONDIE
One for the money.

SMITTY
Two for the show.

LARRY
Three to get ready.

KOWALSKI
Lets go cat go.


The screen cuts to black.


5. INT. SHOPPING MALL – STILL MIDDAY


The song Do It Right by The Go! Team plays and the screen cuts back when the drums start. The screen then proceeds to show the four BUST into the mall and blast everything in sight to the music presented in the sound track. They absolutely slaughter the zombies with there machine guns, Larry's sawed off shotgun, pistols, MOLOTOV COCKTAILS, and BLUNT objects. When the montage ends the camera comes back to the four zombie killers around a series of zombie corpses scattered about the mall. Kowalski is looking at his map.


BLONDIE
That was easy.

KOWALSKI
Awe shit.

LARRY
What?

KOWALSKI
This was only so fucking easy cause we ain't even in the right goddamn place.

SMITTY
Fuck me. Well were the fuck are supposed to be?

KOWASKI
Says here somewhere near the Cabaloore Club.

BLONDIE
Goddamn it.


The camera fades


5. CABALOORE CLUB – AFTERNOON


The camera fades back in on Blondie, Kowalski, and Smitty. Larry is missing. The song The Clapping Song by Shirley Ellis is playing in the background. The three all appear to be somewhat injured. The Club is nearly empty. In the background Harley and Quincy are talking to an out of focus black man with a large afro and a black over coat. That is Sugar Bear.


KOWALSKI
Fuck man. What the fuck happened?

BLONDIE
Where the fuck is Larry? Did anybody see Larry?

KOWALSKI
I didn't see him.

SMITTY
Shit man, I don't know where Larry is but this fucking shit hurts man. I got a huge fucking gash in my leg right now.


Harley, Quincy, and Sugar Bear walk up to the three shown from behind, so to not show Sugar Bears face. Sugar Bear has a kind of quite voice like Snoop Dogg.


SUGAR BEAR
What seems to be the problem gentlemen?

KOWALSKI
We were out there tryin' to get rid of your zombie problem and shit got all fucked up, that's the problem. Were all hurt pretty bad, but I think Smitty mighta' been the only one bit.

SUGAR BEAR
An the rest of you are fine?

KOWALSKI
I wouldn't say were fine like were doin' great but were fine in that were not bit, yeah.

SUGAR BEAR
Alright. Quincy, help the little injured nigga' into my office. Harley stick around the other two and ask em' who the fuck they are.

HARLEY
So who the fuck are you?

BLONDIE
Were the zombie hunters.

HARLEY
I've heard of you! Funny thing, this small world. I thought you'd be a lot bigger. So why would you even try an kill all the shamblers down here? Theres too fuckin' many to kill all by yourselves. This motherfucker is like hell in Harlem. Shit, I'd bet money on it you hardly even left a dent on the zombie pop-alation down here.

BLONDIE
Well then I'd have to bet you double your money that your wrong.

SUGAR BEAR
Hey Kelly's heroes. Get your asses in here.


As they walk into his office the door slams shut.


The camera cuts to black.
 
Okay, some feedback

This won’t be incredibly detailed because I have only read it through the once on a Sunday afternoon, plus, I have only read the exert from your first post, I have a look at the next bit when I have a chance ….

I think there is a little too much detail in the opening description for the scene. Economy is needed (this can be said for your writing in general). Below I have posted the opening piece of text; I’ve re-written it as an example.


INTRODUCTION. - 1. INT. 78' HONDA CIVIC – MIDNIGHT

The moon shines through the window of the car for a brief moment before a crowbar smashes the glass. TWO MEN enter the car. In a stated of aggravation, HARLEY, white and tattooed, tries to hot wire the car while Quincy, scruffy with a perm, looks on in equal aggravation. They are both sweating and panting like dogs in heat.


As you can see, it pretty much says all that needs to be said with about the a third of the text. In my opinion, you do not need to write, design, costume, score, edit and direct all at the same time; just write. You don’t need to state, “the camera does this”, instead, just clearly write the action of the scene in such a way that anyone can read it and see what is going on.

Things like that they are wearing, how the camera moves, etc don’t need to be in the script at this stage. This is something that can be looked at later in time. Plus, a director does need to be told their job, they will take the script and decide the best way of going about shooting a scene so it conforms with the style and aesthetic of the piece.

Just looking forward to the dialogue, I’ve pasted the line I would like to comment on:


QUINCY
There's about half a fuckin' football team of brain eatin' fuckin' zombies in the goddamn
apartment we just ran outta' and all you can say is you don't drive motherfuckin' stick?
Well learn nigga' c'mon!

It may be your intention, be it a joke or a stylistic choice, but this to me appears to be a very ‘clunky’ and ill thought out attempt at exposition. The last thing you would want to hear in a line as your film starts is, “Damn, I really hope I pass this text otherwise the gangster that has been threatening my family through a campaign of intimidation for the last fie years will follow through on his threat to kidnap them and hold them to ransom etc etc etc”

Know what I mean?

Another note on the dialogue, you have got a lot of it. A good tip would be to print out the page and ‘see’ exactly how much dialogue there is from a distance. Film is a visual medium. Eighty percent of your text should be visual, the other twenty should be dialogue. (Of course, these are rules set in stone, but you see what I am getting at.

You have some very long scenes with a lot of chatter. Try and see how much you are able to write before you add any dialogue into a scene. Then add lines when the visual is unable to tell the story you need to tell.

Also, try saying your lines out loud and seeing how easy they are to deliver. There are a lot of ‘motherfuckins’ and ‘fuckins’ etc etc; these are a lot of syllables to get through in a sentence. All about economy

Once again, I’m not sure if this is your intention (the use of ‘Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey makes me suspect that it is) but the scene with the guy bleeding in the back of the car appears to have been lifted straight out of Reservoir Dogs. The scene is pretty much the same as Mr. Orange screaming as Mr. White drives him away. I can see that you have lifted a line from one of the Kill Bill movies (see previous comment) this might have been what you wanted to do. In my opinion, I don’t think it’s a great idea to pastiche or pay homage to a director who has forged a career out of doing the same thing.

Anyway, like a said earlier, it’s a Sunday night so I’m not going to keep babbling on and on. I’ll look at it in more detail when a get a chance. Please don’t see this as negative in any way, I see that you have a passion and a talent for this and that should be encouraged as much as possible.

Keep it up.
 
Ey everybody thanks for the feed back! Greatly appreciated! I'm glad you picked up on my stealing Tarantino dialogue subconsciously! I went through a phase where I was fascinated with the Tarantino story telling technique, which I am now over, thank god. Looking back I see a lot of things I like about this little exercise.

However I like directing camera angels in my script writing. It's my vision and I really like to carry it out as such, I also think it creates more understanding of what I'm doing to the reader. However this script wasn't too imaginative visually and the dialogue is a little rough around the edges, but hey some bits made me laugh.

Also wow, I never knew that stick bit was in Dog's special features! Hah too bad, I loved the idea when I though of it.
 
Conor,

Your line:

MARV
What's the word?
Is he gonna be alright?


At this point the audience already knows the situation with Lawrence and that Marv is worried about it.

Directly asking “What’s the word, is he gonna be alright?” is repeating what the audience already knows is on Marv’s mind.

Indirectly asking forgoes repeating it (so it pushes the story forward a hair), but it can also give Bob a cleaner in to create conflict.

The advance/reverse of that conflict can allow the exposition to be drawn out of Bob a bit more naturally, as it’s now info for the audience in the form of a stick Bob can poke back at Marv with.

To some small extent, the level beneath the surface of what’s spoken might now also be open for business:


MARV
So?

BOB
Well, the good news is you got your period!

MARV
(shakes head )
Don’t fuck with me Bob.

Bob exhales smoke.

BOB
He’s gonna be fine!
He lost a lot of blood
and we can’t move him,
but he’s not bitten, okay!?
He gonna be fine!

MARV
(nods)
Good, let’s keep it that way.

BOB
You know, you can be a real pushy cocksu-

AN ENGINE ROARS somewhere outside. Bob and Marv look towards the sound, then at each other.

MARV
Wait-Here!


-Thanks-
 
ConorJC some good work here mate bt as you said yourself and will probably let you down or miss an oppourtunity is the fact it's too similar to Tarantino as in dialogue.

If I was reading this I would think 'next' as there are so many wannabees of this genre.....I was thinking I'm reading Samuel L Jackon and Travolta in a car driving to Harvey Keitel's house here

But as you said yourself this for you to direct etc....I also agree too much detail in the shots. You wouldn't need this in your script, a seperate shooting script and storyboard will help you here......

Giving this to actors to learn can distract them from just learning the meat and bones....

But it's good mate, as other people I know they say they struggle to write dialogue, I don't but I'm weaker in other parts

It's an excellent start mate, you will find your feet more as you write and re-write

Just like guys writing songs...........there first few are not the best but as they write more they get better

Will look forward to seeing you make this

Good work mate
 
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