story screenplay/story idea

[victortiti89]

I uploaded this on another website, hope this isn't considered a spam I'm not trying to advertise for them, it's just about trying to find out what you think about this. Should I leave it as it is, or consider writing a screenplay based on it? Thanks for sharing your opinion!
http://www.talentville.com/snippet/374

 

[FantasySciFi]

I uploaded this on another website, hope this isn't considered a spam I'm not trying to advertise for them, it's just about trying to find out what you think about this. Should I leave it as it is, or consider writing a screenplay based on it? Thanks for sharing your opinion!
http://www.talentville.com/snippet/374

1. Be careful with posting. Unless you are freely giving up your story ideas for others to develop, it's best to limit what you publicly share. I personally prefer services who track people who view your scripts. Since the service you linked to seems to charge, I would expect that level of protection from them.

2. As a horror story, I thought it has potential. You have to be careful because you want to jump into the 'fun part' (describing the ghost's revenge) at the expense of good set up. I found the beginning hard to believe (a member lets his gf get murdered by his friends?). Are the parents accomplices or know that their sons are involved thus so willing to pay off the police? I think you need to re-think that portion. Lots of horror movies have teens accidentally/intentionally commit murder and then 'successfully' hide that fact from others. It's the twists and unwinding that makes Colin a more interesting character as he discovers the truth and races to prevent more deaths.

3. At the moment, it's out there for others to write up. You might as well write up your own idea. Realize that this idea has been done many times before ("Revenge from the Grave" theme). If you're interested in make your own films, this is a good one to write up and play with.