Scarlet Runaway Complete - 15 Pages

[ncje]

Hey all was hoping for some feedback / comments on the following, would greatly appreciate your time... Filmjumper its a lot different to the version you saw originally.


A runaway prostitute. A Yakuza that wants his revenge. A beaten wife and a dissapointed father. When Shinichi Yamada sets out to claim his prize he is unaware of a force working against him. One that changes the course of everyones lives.




Scarlet runaway pdf

 

[ncje]

21 views.... any thoughts??

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

Lost your email...

21 views.... any thoughts??

ncje,

I recently lost all my email, address book, etc. (don't use THUNDERBIRD EMAIL from Firefox!) so I can't email you back...

Read the new and improved script...

It is better but I still have some on-the-nose dialogue problems with it. There are a couple of good exchanges in the script now but for the most part, on-the-nose.

Remember, you're writing/making an EMOTION PICTURE... Your current draft plainly tells you what your characters want and need and they are pretty much saying exactly what they are thinking i.e., on-the-nose dialogue.

You need to have your characters MEAN the same thing but use more emotional dialogue. Dialogue that makes us think a bit more rather than not requiring us to think at all...

Subtext... You already have it in your script. Now make it a 1000% more emotional.

Good luck with it,
filmy

 

[ncje]

Great mate.... once again I appreciate your advice!

EDIT ... whats your view on the montage?

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

Montage...

Great mate.... once again I appreciate your advice!

EDIT ... whats your view on the montage?

The montage isn't bad but I keep thinking I'm missing something i.e., that maybe the English translation isn't as powerful as the Japanese portrayal of it...

No way for me to know that I guess...

filmy

 

[ncje]

I think there is something in there... when I think of the translation.. Japanese speak very around about so when they speak direct the tone is instantly more emotional or aggresive.

Ive made some further changes.......

Scarlet Runaway Update

WOOPS bad url .. sorry updated!