Practice Script Check

B

blvck_hvmmer

Hey I'm new to the forum world (posting not reading) and new to the screenwriting world too. I'm 14 and I wann get a headstart on my "dream careers" and one of them is screenwriting. I already have a LOT of experience in editing video inside of Adobe After Effects and Premiere Pro, but I wan to get my feet wet in the writing aspect of video/film so I wrote this quick script for practice and I want to know if you can point out any errors (Scriptwriting erros, not spell checks please) so here it is:

INT. BEDROOM` - MORNING
Jason is rushing to put his books and writing untensils inside his bookbag.
JASON’S MOM (V.O.)
Jason, hurry up! You don’t want to be late again do you?
JASON
Almost done mom!
(Walking down stairs)
Have you seen my history book? I can’t seem to find it anywhere in my room.
JASON’S MOM
No I haven’t seen it anywhere. Can’t you just borrow one or something?
JASON
No mom, it doesn’t work like that.
EXT. FRONT YARD/STREET - MORNING
The school bus pulls up, full of other students.
INTERCUT
JASON’S MOM
There’s the bus-
(Kisses Jason on his forehead)
No point in looking for it now.
JASON
Yeah, I guess your right.
Jason begins walking out the door.
JASON (CONT’D)
Alright, see ya’ mom!
EXT. FRONT YARD/STREET - MORNING
Jason begins walking away as his mom stands at the door.
JASON’S MOM
Love you “Jase”!
JASON
(Mumbling)
Love you too.
JASON’S MOM
I can’t hear you!
JASON
Love you too mom!
Students on the bus begin to laugh as Jason walks into the bus.
FADE TO BLACK.
​
 
blvck_hvmmer said:
Hey I'm new to the forum world (posting not reading) and new to the screenwriting world too. I'm 14 and I wann get a headstart on my "dream careers" and one of them is screenwriting. I already have a LOT of experience in editing video inside of Adobe After Effects and Premiere Pro, but I wan to get my feet wet in the writing aspect of video/film so I wrote this quick script for practice and I want to know if you can point out any errors (Scriptwriting erros, not spell checks please) so here it is:

INT. BEDROOM` - MORNING
Jason is rushing to put his books and writing untensils inside his bookbag.
JASON’S MOM (V.O.)
Jason, hurry up! You don’t want to be late again do you?
JASON
Almost done mom!
(Walking down stairs)
Have you seen my history book? I can’t seem to find it anywhere in my room.
JASON’S MOM
No I haven’t seen it anywhere. Can’t you just borrow one or something?
JASON
No mom, it doesn’t work like that.
EXT. FRONT YARD/STREET - MORNING
The school bus pulls up, full of other students.
INTERCUT
JASON’S MOM
There’s the bus-
(Kisses Jason on his forehead)
No point in looking for it now.
JASON
Yeah, I guess your right.
Jason begins walking out the door.
JASON (CONT’D)
Alright, see ya’ mom!
EXT. FRONT YARD/STREET - MORNING
Jason begins walking away as his mom stands at the door.
JASON’S MOM
Love you “Jase”!
JASON
(Mumbling)
Love you too.
JASON’S MOM
I can’t hear you!
JASON
Love you too mom!
Students on the bus begin to laugh as Jason walks into the bus.
FADE TO BLACK.
​
Click to expand...

Hey there,

It's awesome that you're getting a head-start on your writing...kudos to you!

Just a couple of things:

Your scripts need to be in proper screenplay format...it's industry standard. Suggest you download Celtx...it's free. :-)

In terms of describing actions, you want to stay away from "-ing" words...so instead of "Jason is rushing..." you want to write "Jason rushes..."

So...

*****

INT. JASON'S ROOM - MORNING

Jason rushes around. Stuffs books and pens in his bag.

*****

Since mom is calling from another room, you want to use (O.S.) for off-screen, rather than (V.O.)

Instead of "walking down stairs," maybe "rushes down stairs" for more of a sense of urgency.

And "Jason heads for the bus" instead of "Jason begins walking out the door." See how it has more energy (and is more visual?

Nice dialogue...it feels very natural.

Hope that helps,
Eric
 
Eric Matyas said:
Hey there,

It's awesome that you're getting a head-start on your writing...kudos to you!

Just a couple of things:

Your scripts need to be in proper screenplay format...it's industry standard. Suggest you download Celtx...it's free. :-)

In terms of describing actions, you want to stay away from "-ing" words...so instead of "Jason is rushing..." you want to write "Jason rushes..."

So...

*****

INT. JASON'S ROOM - MORNING

Jason rushes around. Stuffs books and pens in his bag.

*****

Since mom is calling from another room, you want to use (O.S.) for off-screen, rather than (V.O.)

Instead of "walking down stairs," maybe "rushes down stairs" for more of a sense of urgency.

And "Jason heads for the bus" instead of "Jason begins walking out the door." See how it has more energy (and is more visual?

Nice dialogue...it feels very natural.

Hope that helps,
Eric
Click to expand...

Thank You Eric :)
 
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