Poem I wrote for a girl...

This is by far the dumbest thing I've ever attempted. I suck at poetry, but I need your honest input before I embarrass myself in front of her. What do you guys think of this poem?

A Porcupine Mind

I met a strange girl. She’s a one of a kind
A porcupine mind. From the soul to her eyes
She keeps a careful distance
Except to those she truly misses
But to all those around her
They see needles that shine.
Not the life, not the happiness, the culture, or excitement.
Many think she’s unhappy
Perhaps a little bit crazy.

But, the porcupine is the smartest and the cleverest of all
She could show up to places and never befall
The others stay close to too many people
Their stories infused. They’re all trapped in their issues.

Not the porcupine girl. The one who’s strange and ambitious
She has a fire that drives. It’s kind of like mine.
She’s on the move at all times, to define the old times
Her words can shape mountains and her strides can move time.

I traveled to places. I met many great faces.
But none can compare to this porcupine girl.
She’s a one of a kind. A true gem of her time
I feel lucky to know her. She’s a porcupine mind.


My plan is to put this on a fancy card and get her a porcupine stuffed doll. I hope this goes well...
 
I'm not sure I follow the metaphor of a porcupine mind, but as long as she does, that's not a problem.

Also, disappointed you didn't use the word 'quill' seeing as you're writing about her or, indeed, the word 'spineless' to describe what she isn't :D
 
Haha, yeah I should consider that. Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, porcupine mind is a bit of an inside thing.
 
I've written poems over the years which are average at best so take my advice for fwiw.

First thing I noticed was punctuation. You don't have to change any lines in your poem but just google punctuation and poetry so you can get the basics right.

Next thing would be to look up structure, meter and rhyme patterns. Now this takes a lot of practice and time so what I would recommend is looking up poems that give you the sound you're looking for. Research that poem and try to copy its structure and sound with your words. When I took my first poetry class more than a decade ago, studying and emulating others is where we started.

Once you've got those basics down, you can move into creating a poem from the ground up by figuring out the appropriate structure, sound, technique/pattern for whichever subject comes to your mind.

Hope this helps and for now, if you're short on time and need to get this card to the girl you like, at the very least, get the punctuation right. If you have a little time, find a poem u like and try to emulate it.

Goodluck!
 
Thanks Ernest. I took your advice and looked up punctuation for poems. I was waaay off! I made the changes and sent it to her. She really liked it. Hopefully, I'll have more to send her.
 
Thanks Ernest. I took your advice and looked up punctuation for poems. I was waaay off! I made the changes and sent it to her. She really liked it. Hopefully, I'll have more to send her.

To be honest, if there's one literary form where punctuation is pretty much irrelevant, it's poetry (and I'm a proofreader...)

There are many poems where punctuation is used sparingly, and even then only in service of the effect the words have rather than any conventional 'rules'.

Glad it was a success though :)
 
There are many poems where punctuation is used sparingly, and even then only in service of the effect the words have rather than any conventional 'rules'.

Absolutely agree. I think I made a mistake by using the word "right" when I meant whatever would be appropriate for the poem and his intentions with it.

To be honest, if there's one literary form where punctuation is pretty much irrelevant, it's poetry (and I'm a proofreader...)

Disagree. It is much more relevant in my opinion. You miss a comma or a period in a paragraph, it doesn't look professional but the message comes across anyway.

Every single punctuation mark in a poem should be carefully placed for a reason, without which the pace, rhythm or even the meaning may not be the same.
 
Absolutely agree. I think I made a mistake by using the word "right" when I meant whatever would be appropriate for the poem and his intentions with it.



Disagree. It is much more relevant in my opinion. You miss a comma or a period in a paragraph, it doesn't look professional but the message comes across anyway.

Every single punctuation mark in a poem should be carefully placed for a reason, without which the pace, rhythm or even the meaning may not be the same.


Disagree with your disagreement by agreeing :) As I mentioned, when punctuation is needed, it's needed in any literary form - whether that's prose, poetry, screenwriting etc. However, the difference with poetry is that only the poet gets to decide what's needed.

There is a lot of punctuation that is not strictly necessary to meaning, and any prescriptive notion of right vs. wrong goes out of the window in poetry - hence the 'rules' are irrelevant. If a poet wants to write concrete poetry with the words in the shape of a dead gecko with no punctuation and no capital letters, that's fine. If a poet wants to introduce commas/dashes/semicolons at prescriptively inaccurate places, just because she wants to force a particular rhythm, that's also fine.

Writing is playing with language, and poetry is very much messy play :)
 
I love the title. It should be the name of a band. Or a book.
Great poem too. I write but not poetry, I always get hung up on the having to rhyme thing, but I like reading it.
Hope she liked it.
 
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