Please, Comment for my first short film script

[ilma.f]

Hi all,

I just finished my first short movie script, i need some comment to improve my writing skill...

title : a land with no virginity
premise : A story of a young girl when she has to persuade her Mom who's very strict to tradition, to be able to go study in US.

please read it (only 7 pages) here http://www.4shared.com/document/r6fhur2p/a_land_with_no_virginity_eng_S.html

ah... i hope my first is not that bad ..^_^..

 

[ilma.f]

anybody would like to comment please?

 

[Cracker Funk]

Hi, ilma.f. Welcome to the forums!

Nice work, on finishing your first script. To give some constructive criticism, the one thing that jumped out at me, when reading this script, is that the dialogue didn't feel very natural to me.

For example, the following line, "I know.. But you’re Indonesian, we
have Asian traditions..."

Would a mother really say that to her daughter? She knows she's Indonesian; she knows she has Asian traditions -- why would mom bother telling daughter something that is so obvious?

That's just one example. I'm not one of Indietalk's screenwriting experts, so I'm afraid I can't really tell you specifically what mistake your making, other than to point out that generally speaking, I think the dialogue could be more genuine.

 

[ilma.f]

ah... i see..the dialogues,

well.. i think it's because I'm not an English. If i do it in Indonesia i think the dialogues are naturally enough, i meant the way they talked it's in Indonesia style.

but okay, I'll try my best on my next script, thanks for the input ^_^

unfortunately, my friend who want to help me direct this script, is giving up because of the all the animal things in this script are to difficult to shoot. lol xD

 

[Cracker Funk]

all the animal things in this script are to difficult to shoot. lol xD

Not just difficult, but practically impossible (unless you have a very large budget). Best of luck on your next script!

Hey, which part of Indonesia are you in? I spent a Summer in Bali. I LOVE it there (I mentioned this in you "welcome" thread, but I guess you haven't seen that yet).

 

[ilma.f]

Not just difficult, but practically impossible (unless you have a very large budget). Best of luck on your next script!

Hey, which part of Indonesia are you in? I spent a Summer in Bali. I LOVE it there (I mentioned this in you "welcome" thread, but I guess you haven't seen that yet).

ow really? i'm in jakarta

nice to know you, ^_^