Just read your first chapter... Couldn't reply in the other thread since it's now closed... LOL. I think this has potential and it's well written. There's really nothing to rip it apart about especially since it's a first draft. About the only thing that stuck out at me personally was the use of the words, "look, looks, looked" Fine for a first draft but like in screenwriting? In a subsequent pass, I would find the PERFECT ACTION VERB for words like these.Alcove Audio Okay, here's Chapter One of the first draft of Outpost 217. Please feel free to rip it and me to shreds; I'm a big boy... And you can post it all right here, I'm won't embarrassed. (Has anyone ever noticed that's very close to Bare Assed?)
The dialog is my biggest worry. Does it sound natural? I try speaking it aloud, but........
Just a note to you actual military types and aficionados - Yes, I know it's BARCAP, Barrier Combat Air Patrol. But there is no air in outer space, so I changed it to BARCOP, Barrier Combat Outer Patrol. In later chapters I do similar things, such as CVG, Commander Void Group because, again, there is no air. Oh, and there is a CAG, Commander Atmosphere Group, for the commander of the specialists who dive in and out of atmosphere for planetary attacks. I still have a lot to do further refining my military nomenclature to adapt to my universe.
And I like "Void" better than "Space."
As Admiral Redstone would say, "Come on son, give it to me with the bark on."
And just for fun, try to put your elbow in your ear. If you deign to read this, you'll get it.
Since I was in the Navy for 21 years? The dialogue works for the most part. I don't want to split hairs because again, this is a first draft but on a subsequent pass for dialogue later on down the line? You could add a little military branch slang in there to give it even more of an authentic feel.
You're also gonna need a lot of commas... But again? This is the stuff of rewrites.
Last but not least but I feel worth mentioning since you brought up the dialogue? Just remember, even in the military, on-the-job dialogue is perfect when there's subordinates who are NOT part of an inner circle or team. When the team is alone? That dialogue lightens up a bit but not 100% especially if a lower-ranked character says something as if he or she is on the same level as the ranking officer. In other words, the ranking officer lightens up around his personal troops but they stay in character and often, their dialogue is more on-the-nose.
I think this is a great start though. Good luck with it!