New to Screenwriting - need feedback

[towerjunkie]

Hi there,

I'm new to the site, new to screenwriting as well. I've written short stories before until a friend of mine suggested that I consider writing screenplays.

So after three months of literally eating up the internet - I've written my first draft.

I'd be real grateful if you guys gave me some feedback on it. Thanks a ton

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0Bxn9I1i-0wsMOTBiZjdjMTgtYjVhZS00MGU1LThhOWUtZjA4NGI4YjllMjZm&hl=en

 

[klitch]

Hey man you need to make that document public so that it can be read, it's not working right now

 

[towerjunkie]

Oops. Sorry about that. It should be public now.

 

[mad_hatter]

This is some nice writing! Well done. There's are few things in there to point out though;

In your lines of action, all names are in CAPITALS. This is unneccessary, only capitalize them in the first instance, after that, just write it normally. Also, when you introduce characters, it helps to give a little description of them, what they physically look like, just to give the reader at least a slight idea of what they might look like.

In the opening scene, did she answer the phone? It's not quite clear.

The next scene, in the kitchen, opens: "We get our first good glimpse of the Doctor as she pour coffee from her coffee machine into a large dark blue mug." You then only refer to 'the doctor', no names. This doesn't mean a lot. In context, we can figure out that Paulie is the doctor (is that right, or did I miss something?), but as it stands, it's confusing. Best to call her by her name, there's no way to show her profession in that scene. Then, when we get to the hospital, it can be revealed that she's a doctor.

Same paragraph: "Her hair which she will knot later is shoulder length and elegant." The 'which she will knot later' is redundant in a screenplay, you can't show this fact, so don't write it.

That's all for now. I like the style of writing you have. The story's good too, nicely built up. Well done.

 

[towerjunkie]

This is some nice writing! Well done. There's are few things in there to point out though;

In your lines of action, all names are in CAPITALS. This is unneccessary, only capitalize them in the first instance, after that, just write it normally. Also, when you introduce characters, it helps to give a little description of them, what they physically look like, just to give the reader at least a slight idea of what they might look like.

In the opening scene, did she answer the phone? It's not quite clear.

The next scene, in the kitchen, opens: "We get our first good glimpse of the Doctor as she pour coffee from her coffee machine into a large dark blue mug." You then only refer to 'the doctor', no names. This doesn't mean a lot. In context, we can figure out that Paulie is the doctor (is that right, or did I miss something?), but as it stands, it's confusing. Best to call her by her name, there's no way to show her profession in that scene. Then, when we get to the hospital, it can be revealed that she's a doctor.

Same paragraph: "Her hair which she will knot later is shoulder length and elegant." The 'which she will knot later' is redundant in a screenplay, you can't show this fact, so don't write it.

That's all for now. I like the style of writing you have. The story's good too, nicely built up. Well done.

Thanks !

I get your points on the capitals and the redundancy. The object of a screenplay is to show the audience the story. What wont be shown is not needed.

And yeah - the doctor bit is revealed in the hospital scene. This is basically an adaptation of a short story of mine .. so I guess it really does need a third eye view.

And about descriptions - I've always felt I'm weak at describing people. I normally leave that to the reader. But yeah - I could try my hand at it.