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That was a good beginning. It was a pleasure to read. It made me curious for the rest.

You sure have talent for writing dialogues. They're snappy and totally believable. It's the first time I've seen the use of "debonair" in a conversation though but I ain't against innovation.

Are you sure that crotch scratching in the office is realistic? I've never witnessed such a thing and I can't imagine my colleagues doing that.

With a few brushstrokes you've done a very good job sketching you characters. They feel real to me.

If the rest is as good as the beginning, should be a good script.
 
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Really go back and check punctuation. I'm not an edit nazi, but you're missing some commas in some places and adding them where they should be periods in other places. It trips the flow of your sentences.

I get to page 10 and still nothing of interest has happened. I mean the guy basically scratches his crotch. Probably he got crabs from one of his 'escorts'.

The pacing seems rather slow. It takes twelve pages to show that Mason is obsessed with escorts, Christine is slutty and looking to score in the workplace, and Dan is, well, equally flat. The characters all seem rather flat and lifeless. I don't have a sense of what this film is about or the nature of the problem.

Format-wise, just a couple points. You only need to capitalize the name when it's used the first time. Once the actor has spoken, you can drop the capitalization. Also, when Mason is on the phone with the prostitute (Britanny), you should put (O.S.) after her name since she is Off-Screen and only heard over the phone. Also, how did Britanny find his house? All he said was "on the corner of 17th and Main". Most intersections have 4 corners.

What is the point of this film? Watching this guy spend the first 12 minutes basically rubbing himself everytime he sees a pretty body isn't particularly tantalizing. Personally, I would suggest tightening it up. The first 12 pages should probably only be 5-8 pages. One way to do that would to scratch the bar scene and make it a phone conversation between Dan and Mason.

The film may have a good idea behind it, but the first 12 pages don't grab me. Christine obviously has an important role but that needs to be brought out sooner rather than Mason's repetitive crotch scratching.

Alot of the dialogue is chit-chat. Cut it down to the essence so that it is purposeful and drives the scene. The dialogue between Mason and Christine (pp. 3-4) and Mason and Dan (pp. 7-8) could be tightened. I would make the Mason/Dan bar scene into a phone scene that is interrupted when Britanny arrives. This would condense the scenes and move along the pace of action.

Hope that helps.
 
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Theodebernacius said:
That was a good beginning. It was a pleasure to read. It made me curious for the rest.

You sure have talent for writing dialogues. They're snappy and totally believable. It's the first time I've seen the use of "debonair" in a conversation though but I ain't against innovation.

Are you sure that crotch scratching in the office is realistic? I've never witnessed such a thing and I can't imagine my colleagues doing that.

With a few brushstrokes you've done a very good job sketching you characters. They feel real to me.

If the rest is as good as the beginning, should be a good script.
Click to expand...

I'm sure of the crotch rubbing cause I did it, lol, I'm a creep
 
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Your protagonists, what kind of work do they do? I thought they could be in some financial firm or something.

I think your script is for people who like realistic studies rather than escapist stuff. The market trend might not be in your favor. Unless you can turn your characters into zombies, serial killers or gangsters you might have a hard time selling it.

You have a good eye and ear. I look forward to the completed story.
 
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Theodebernacius said:
Your protagonists, what kind of work do they do? I thought they could be in some financial firm or something.

I think your script is for people who like realistic studies rather than escapist stuff. The market trend might not be in your favor. Unless you can turn your characters into zombies, serial killers or gangsters you might have a hard time selling it.

You have a good eye and ear. I look forward to the completed story.
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The characters work in a sales environment, for me though what they do isn't as important as how they interact with one another.

I am trying to go for a realisitic character study about a guy who is addicted to prostitutes, It's kind of the opposite point of view of "The Girlfriend Experience". Unfortunately they aren't gonna turn into vampires so I guess I'm going to lose the "twilight" crowd lol.

but thanks again for the feedback, ill be sure to post the final draft.
 
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klitch said:
.... I am trying to go for a realisitic character study about a guy who is addicted to prostitutes ....
Click to expand...

That is really a very insightful topic. Given that, I would suggest that doesn't come across well in what you posted. Sexual addiction is often joked about, but it can destroy lives. In light of your topic, I would provide more imagery in the beginning of him driving by and soliciting prostitutes. I would also tone down Christine and make her more wholesome. You want to help the audience see that he has a hard time having a normal relationship.

Your portrayal of Christine may be how he sees her, but it makes the beginning seem more like a raunchy comedy than a realistic portrayal. You might have "normal Christine" come in with files. Then have a fantasy scene with sexy Christine. It cuts back to normal Christine leaving the office without incident when Dan wanders in.

It would also help to have two male support characters. Dan is the lascivious male who encourages his sexual escapades while the other male has a more healthy relationship. Kind of like the angel and devil on his shoulder. At some point within the first 25 pages or so, he needs to run into problems as a result of his behavior. I'm sure you have your story mapped out.

But given what you posted, I did not get the sense of a realistic portrayal. Just feedback given the new information.
 
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