Script Feedback
The opening seems a little too canned and predictable. Unfortunately it reminds me a lot of "Death to Smoochy".
You need to give more descriptive information about the characters. Who is Saul in relationship to Daniel and Lee? What are the approximate ages of these guys? Your script needs to give some sense of what these guys look like so they can be cast effectively. Even a quip like, "Well, you're the boss!" helps clue in the audience to their status.
I'm not clear what you meant parenthetically by "(separately)". It's just Daniel, Lee, and Saul in the room. On p. 4, "Leo hangs up his phone." Did you mean Lee? Also, it's Saul's phone that rings on p. 3. I think for clarity, I would have all of Saul's dialogue on the phone together, not interspersed with the others.
P. 7 it says, "... the show will go on, Monday at midnight ..." I thought this was a kid's show. Kids are up at midnight?
"My heart goes out to Ed's family ... (p.7)" Who is Ed? (you don't meet Ed Dexter until p. 12)
If you are going to have the writers participate, it would be good to name them in your scene description. It is irritating to have new names pop up without reference.
P. 15 "we go live in XX hours." XX should be a number.
"A younger man in a suit steps forward ..." Who? Peter?
You have the script reader doing a lot of guessing and scanning back and forth. Also, this is written as a production script, not a spec, so you need to be sure to include relevant details for other crew to be able to work from.
There are a few spelling errors "fourty", "payed", etc.
In terms of story line, I think it spends a lot of time trying to get to the point where they bring in Ed. It would be better to really assess how much of the trio dialogue is really essential (Saul, Daniel, Lee). I like Julie's character; she has the persona to keep the show flowing, but her dialogue and characterization vacillates. Ed is introduced late and seems unbelievable. I'd compress the writers section. Just have Daniel pull the lead writer aside and bounce a few ideas back and forth.
In a pilot, not every character needs to have a voice. Introduce the major ones and then introduce the others. On the whole, I wasn't particularly drawn to any character.
In the US, you would typically indicate the acts so you know where the commercial slots will appear. It means your act ends with a hook to entice the audience to come back after the station break. I like it because it forces me to think more dramatically--what is the dramatic pause/crisis and then what is the resolution.
You might want to check out
http://www.scriptwritersnetwork.org/swn/index.php?page=tv-script-format for some basic suggestions. An hour length show typically breaks down like:
TEASER: 2-3 pages title sequence & commercial break
ACT I: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT II: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT III: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT IV: 10-12 pages commercial break
TAG: 2-3 pages credits
A half-hour show should stick to a Three Act Model. What is your logline for this series?
TEASER: 2-3 pages title sequence & commercial break
ACT I: 8-10 pages commercial break
ACT II: 8-10 pages commercial break
ACT III: 8-10 pages commercial break
TAG: 2-3 pages credits
It might work as a series if you can identify and develop 2 or 3 characters with which the audience can bond. At the moment, that doesn't happen for me.
