Need help with my screenplay!

[LittleAppleTV]

Hi there

I'm a filmmaker based in Manchester that is currently in pre-production for our Harry Potter inspired short film called MUDBLOOD: The Book of Spells.

We are raising a lot of money for this and so I want to make sure that my writing is on point. Please click on the link to see the script.

http://www.littleapple.tv/currentprojects#!currentproject/cnvo

Enter the password: mudblood


Any thoughts or suggestions would be highly appreciated. If anyone would like to help edit the script then please contact me direct.

cameroncairnduff@gmail.com

Thanks,

Cam

 

[FantasySciFi]

Even though this is a fan pic, GET PERMISSIONS. If you want to show this it at festivals, you will need that. You are using a derivative of copyrighted and trademarked materials.

I visited your website and reviewed the first part of the script. There are typos. Also, the paragraphs are a bit dense. In some cases, that means you lumped actions which will probably be separate shots and should have stood alone. The impact is that overall length of the script probably underestimates the shoot time and production length.

While the torture scene was meant as a hook, I felt it was gratuitous as nothing useful comes from it. There are lot of ways to show the initial wizard is dark. However, it doesn't provide anything substantial to the story. The dialogue with his mother felt rather unnatural and forced. Similarly, the scene with the flashback with the car and fight seemed rather contrived. ("As a writer I need to have a reason he's kicked out of Hogwarts--this is it.") I don't feel particularly interested in the character because he's treated rather superficially.

I don't mean to sound overly critical. It just feels and sounds rather superficial like you're rushing to get to what you consider "the good stuff", the magical battles. A good story needs to start with a solid, believable beginning which it lacks. While I loved the Harry Potter series and think that you have a good sense of that world, the pacing and development of the characters in the script need more attention. I should feel curiosity wanting to learn more about the characters and events, to continue reading/watching. In this case, it wasn't there so much largely because it felt forced. I hope that makes sense. Best wishes as move forward.

 

[maz]

I don't really have much to say about the project (not a fan of fan productions at all... don't see the point, really), but as a former resident of Manchester, it's nice to see my old local Oxford Road station getting some screentime!

 

[IndiePaul]

I had a very quick skim.

Make sure you properly proof read, and be tight with your dialogue:

MOTHER
Why? It’s not like he would
understand. He spent his life
chasing around his brothers in
aur of there magic. And look were
that got him, dying in a war that
I can’t even talk about. And what
happens now? Want to magic up
some money because you are not
staying in this house unless you
get a job. A real

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

I would cut the script down from 30 pages. 30 pages is too long for a short.

I'd also reduce the number of locations, which would make the shoot a lot simpler.

Ideally keep the locations to ones that you can easily get access to - i.e. not a train station (or vault) unless you plan to guerilla film it (so forget good audio), or you have access to and knowledge of green screen tech.

Good luck!

 

[LittleAppleTV]

FantasySciFi thanks for your detailed analysis. I'll be working on the scrip over the next 3 month of pre-production and so I will keep you updated with progress.

Yes Maz!

IndiePaul thanks for the typo correction. Luckily we have a lot help on this and so locations and sound are not an issue.

Thanks guys!