Ok I just want some tips on what i could do better cuz i know this script ain't much. What i am trying to do is write a ten episode mini-series and of course in film form. This is the first draft of the first episode i would just like some feedback, what's good, what's bad etc. Everything will help me understand how to continue to call this project "My magnum Opas." Note: There will be plotholes because they will be all filled in as the series go on so please ignore plotholes for now because they will be explained as the series goes. It is supposed to be mysterious and suspenseful.
FADE IN
EXT. ROOFTOP DAYTIME RAIN
GREEN is sitting on a rooftop in the rain, writing with a feather pen.
NARRATION:
Apocalypse, what does that word mean?
A SERIES OF SCENES FLASH AND OVERLAP THE CURRENT SCENE. EACH FLASH IS A KEYPOINT OF THE ENTIRE SERIES IN 2 SECOND INTERVALS.
NARRATION: (CONT'D)
Nobody knows the true definition. Not even you, Skype. I'm the Green Metanaught, one of four that helped make the apocalypse possible just one very long year ago. How any of us
survived the horrible day is beyond me. You know, don't you Skype? I dread the day I ever became a Metanaught, and I dread the day I helped you! You remember what happened a year ago,
don't you? Are you even still alive? I hope you are just so you can read this letter and be reminded of the terror you created for mankind. I remember like it was yesterday... The mission was for us
to kill a senator because of abortion, I didn’t really pay much attention to the briefing, I was the muscle it wasn’t in my nature. Blue, was the brains, the strategist and the common sense. Yellow was
the driver and the navigator and Red, nobody liked him much, but his skills with explosives and computers were out of this world. But it actually all started in the briefing room…
FADEOUT
FADE IN
INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM 8AM
RED, BLUE, AND YELLOW are sitting at their desks and Green is sleeping at his desk as PROFESSOR WILCOX is ending his speech in front of them. Yellow whacks Green in the back of the
head.
YELLOW:
Wake up!
Green wakes up, confused and wipes the drool off of his face.
GREEN:
Huh? What?
Professor Wilcox leaves the room and SKYPE enters.
SKYPE:
Greetings Metanaughts, I know it is early and I know it is odd for me to personally brief you myself, but it is a very important mission! But let’s get right to the point, you see I chose you four by name
because…
Green drifts off into his own thoughts and Skype continues to speak.
GREEN(inner monologue):
I wonder when lunch will be. I bet this guy get's a lot of sex! Man, talk about physically fit! Blah blah blah! I can’t believe this guy is still talking!
SKYPE:
....Abortion and this Senator is against that bill which will....
GREEN(CONT'D):
So, we gotta go kill a senator because of abortion, ok let's do it! I'm bored!
SKYPE:
All right that's enough briefing, the mission starts in 05 hours, you have that much time to prepare I advise you research your destination and your target as well as you can as you are going to be
interrogating and killing. Good luck! Skype then leaves the room and the four of them whisper amongst themselves.
GREEN:
I don't know about you guys, but I am going to get some shut eye before this mission starts.
YELLOW:
Green! You jerk! Show a little interest in the jobs you are taking! This job is an honor for us to take, there were 50,000 other metanaughts he coulda chose and he decided to go with us four! Why
would you not take this seriously Green? Come on!
BLUE:
She's right you know!
GREEN:
Anyway, wake me 30 minutes before we ship out!
Green leaves the room.
YELLOW:
This is why I hate him sometimes! He takes nothing seriously!
BLUE:
Hey, settle down, Yellow, your boyfriend ain't all bad, when he gets into mission mode he is 100% focused.
RED:
He's still a jerk!
BLUE:
Hey Red, I know you and Green got your differences but that gives you no right to judge him!
RED:
Whatever, no one likes him that much anyway! Heh, after this mission I plan on kicking him out of the group anyway!
Blue then gets up and slams him against the wall.
Blue:
You may think that, you piece of shit, but Green is my best friend and if you think for a second I would ever agree for a second that Green is to be kicked from our elite group, you are strongly
mistaken little man! Green deserves to be in this group with us a HELL of a lot more than you!
Blue lets up and walks away and exits as Yellow runs over to Red.
Yellow:
You O.k? Why would he get so angry?
Red:
I’m fine!
Enter JASE storming angrily.
Jase:
You're buddy the detective is back trying to milk us for information and this time he has the write search warrants for the job! You guys better get this job done fast, losers!
Red:
Thanks, but we can handle ourselves, Jase! No offense, but we are the ones chosen for Skype's biggest mission yet!
Jase:
Whatever! Later losers!
Jase leaves the room.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Night fall EXT city streets
A van drives down the street.
Blue: (V.O.)
When we get there Green and I are going to bust into the building and use the explosives Red made for us.
Red: (V.O.)
Yes, we've heard the mission briefing many times, why are you reiterating it to us again?
Blue: (V.O.)
Because I know none of you actually paid much attention to it!
Green
V.O) \
Are we there yet?
The van arrives at a run down apartment building on a pretty busy part of town.
Green: (V.O)
The senator lives HERE!?
Red: (V.O)
Yes, if you didn’t sleep through the briefing you would have known that all along ya moron!
Green: (V.O)
I can’t help it if Skype is sooo very boring!
Green and Blue get out of the van and run towards the door of the building. Blue goes in first and Green follows but is interrupted by EMILY PAGE.
Emily Page:
Stop this Green! You don't have to do this! Think of my baby! Why would you kill the Senator?
Green pushes her out of the way and she falls onto the ground and begins to cry as Green enters the building to meet back up with Blue. They rush up the stairs and when they get to apartment 3G
they bust it open. Inside is SENATOR TIRSCH eating soup.
Senator Tirsch:
What the Hell? Who are you guys?
Green (slapping the Senator with a backhand):
Shut up! We'll ask the questions around here!
Blue:
So, you think you are going to vote against the abortion bill huh?
Senator Tirsch:
THAT'S what this is about!? Look guys, go home before you get arrested!
Blue looks at Green.
Blue:
Green, you know what to do here! Let’s get this plan going.
Green punches him in the face knocking him out of his chair and knocking the bowl of soup to the floor. Green pulls out some rope as Blue picks him up and sits him in his chair. Green ties him up.
The Senator becomes conscious and screams. Blue sticks a sock in his mouth to muzzle the noise.
Blue:
Stop being a bitch!(he slaps the senator) Green, you know what to do, I'm getting out of here, remember you only have a couple of minutes before the explosion.
Green:
Got it!
Blue hands him an explosive device, when the Senator sees it his eyes flare up and he continues to try and scream through the sock. Blue exits.
Green(pacing around the tied up senator):
You politicians make me sick, especially the ones who are against this bill! You know that teen pregnancy is very very dangerous! How could you honestly live with yourself after knowing
anything about teen pregnancy statistics and signing against the bill that would dramatically keep teen pregnancy down! You are disgusting! You are immoral and undeserving of life you pathetic
fuck! Now your time is up, you can't vote against it if you're dead!
The senator spit’s the sock out of his mouth.
Senator:
Listen, big guy if you do this I swear you will not get away with it! I bet you don’t have the stones to pull this off you weak piece of shit!
Green continues setting down the explosives and doesn’t even look at the senator.
Senator(cont’d):
Look is it money you want? Drugs? Hookers? I could get you anything you want, just don’t kill me please! C’mon big guy, why would you risk getting yourself in so much trouble! I promise I won’t
vote against the bill just please don’t kill me! Why are you ignoring me? C’mon man, I’m just a guy like you! I don’t want to die, I have a family, I have friends, I’m an important fucking government
official you douche bag!
Green looks at him with a blank look and finishes the explosive about 10 feet from the tied up senator and activates it. Green rushes out of the building.
Senator (in the background):
Stop! Please! Help! Somebody untie me!
Outside there are police vehicles arriving to the scene and Green rushes to the van he jumps in.
Green (narration):
Little did I know that this was the day I almost was put away for life because of what I am about to say.
The van stalls and will not move at all. The building explodes knocking some officers down.
Green:
What the Hell is the problem, let's go!
Yellow:
I'm trying! Chill out, there is something wrong with the van!
Green:
Shit, they are going to get us!
Five police officers bang on the sides of the van. One police officer opens the door and throws Red to the ground and points his gun at him.
Officer:
Freeze!
The other officers then follow suit and throw Yellow and Green onto the ground as well with guns pointed at them.
Officer 2:
Freeze! If you move I will open fire!
Cut to black
Fade in
EXT. ROOFTOP DAYTIME RAIN
Narration:
I'm not entirely sure how the rest of the day went, it's all a blur to me, Skype. I know that in the end we somehow survived, probably because people were too concerned with their safety
and not the execution of federal criminals. I just hope you can live with your guilt and the problems created by that day. Poor Emily, she was the girl I pushed down, if only she knew what I knew
about myself, she wouldn't have tried to interfere. Anyway, I hope this reminded you of how horrible you are. Signed Maxwell Hammer the Green Metanaught.
Behind him is a silhouette which just pushes Green off the roof and right before Green hits the ground, the screen cuts to black.
FADE IN
EXT. ROOFTOP DAYTIME RAIN
GREEN is sitting on a rooftop in the rain, writing with a feather pen.
NARRATION:
Apocalypse, what does that word mean?
A SERIES OF SCENES FLASH AND OVERLAP THE CURRENT SCENE. EACH FLASH IS A KEYPOINT OF THE ENTIRE SERIES IN 2 SECOND INTERVALS.
NARRATION: (CONT'D)
Nobody knows the true definition. Not even you, Skype. I'm the Green Metanaught, one of four that helped make the apocalypse possible just one very long year ago. How any of us
survived the horrible day is beyond me. You know, don't you Skype? I dread the day I ever became a Metanaught, and I dread the day I helped you! You remember what happened a year ago,
don't you? Are you even still alive? I hope you are just so you can read this letter and be reminded of the terror you created for mankind. I remember like it was yesterday... The mission was for us
to kill a senator because of abortion, I didn’t really pay much attention to the briefing, I was the muscle it wasn’t in my nature. Blue, was the brains, the strategist and the common sense. Yellow was
the driver and the navigator and Red, nobody liked him much, but his skills with explosives and computers were out of this world. But it actually all started in the briefing room…
FADEOUT
FADE IN
INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM 8AM
RED, BLUE, AND YELLOW are sitting at their desks and Green is sleeping at his desk as PROFESSOR WILCOX is ending his speech in front of them. Yellow whacks Green in the back of the
head.
YELLOW:
Wake up!
Green wakes up, confused and wipes the drool off of his face.
GREEN:
Huh? What?
Professor Wilcox leaves the room and SKYPE enters.
SKYPE:
Greetings Metanaughts, I know it is early and I know it is odd for me to personally brief you myself, but it is a very important mission! But let’s get right to the point, you see I chose you four by name
because…
Green drifts off into his own thoughts and Skype continues to speak.
GREEN(inner monologue):
I wonder when lunch will be. I bet this guy get's a lot of sex! Man, talk about physically fit! Blah blah blah! I can’t believe this guy is still talking!
SKYPE:
....Abortion and this Senator is against that bill which will....
GREEN(CONT'D):
So, we gotta go kill a senator because of abortion, ok let's do it! I'm bored!
SKYPE:
All right that's enough briefing, the mission starts in 05 hours, you have that much time to prepare I advise you research your destination and your target as well as you can as you are going to be
interrogating and killing. Good luck! Skype then leaves the room and the four of them whisper amongst themselves.
GREEN:
I don't know about you guys, but I am going to get some shut eye before this mission starts.
YELLOW:
Green! You jerk! Show a little interest in the jobs you are taking! This job is an honor for us to take, there were 50,000 other metanaughts he coulda chose and he decided to go with us four! Why
would you not take this seriously Green? Come on!
BLUE:
She's right you know!
GREEN:
Anyway, wake me 30 minutes before we ship out!
Green leaves the room.
YELLOW:
This is why I hate him sometimes! He takes nothing seriously!
BLUE:
Hey, settle down, Yellow, your boyfriend ain't all bad, when he gets into mission mode he is 100% focused.
RED:
He's still a jerk!
BLUE:
Hey Red, I know you and Green got your differences but that gives you no right to judge him!
RED:
Whatever, no one likes him that much anyway! Heh, after this mission I plan on kicking him out of the group anyway!
Blue then gets up and slams him against the wall.
Blue:
You may think that, you piece of shit, but Green is my best friend and if you think for a second I would ever agree for a second that Green is to be kicked from our elite group, you are strongly
mistaken little man! Green deserves to be in this group with us a HELL of a lot more than you!
Blue lets up and walks away and exits as Yellow runs over to Red.
Yellow:
You O.k? Why would he get so angry?
Red:
I’m fine!
Enter JASE storming angrily.
Jase:
You're buddy the detective is back trying to milk us for information and this time he has the write search warrants for the job! You guys better get this job done fast, losers!
Red:
Thanks, but we can handle ourselves, Jase! No offense, but we are the ones chosen for Skype's biggest mission yet!
Jase:
Whatever! Later losers!
Jase leaves the room.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Night fall EXT city streets
A van drives down the street.
Blue: (V.O.)
When we get there Green and I are going to bust into the building and use the explosives Red made for us.
Red: (V.O.)
Yes, we've heard the mission briefing many times, why are you reiterating it to us again?
Blue: (V.O.)
Because I know none of you actually paid much attention to it!
Green
V.O) \Are we there yet?
The van arrives at a run down apartment building on a pretty busy part of town.
Green: (V.O)
The senator lives HERE!?
Red: (V.O)
Yes, if you didn’t sleep through the briefing you would have known that all along ya moron!
Green: (V.O)
I can’t help it if Skype is sooo very boring!
Green and Blue get out of the van and run towards the door of the building. Blue goes in first and Green follows but is interrupted by EMILY PAGE.
Emily Page:
Stop this Green! You don't have to do this! Think of my baby! Why would you kill the Senator?
Green pushes her out of the way and she falls onto the ground and begins to cry as Green enters the building to meet back up with Blue. They rush up the stairs and when they get to apartment 3G
they bust it open. Inside is SENATOR TIRSCH eating soup.
Senator Tirsch:
What the Hell? Who are you guys?
Green (slapping the Senator with a backhand):
Shut up! We'll ask the questions around here!
Blue:
So, you think you are going to vote against the abortion bill huh?
Senator Tirsch:
THAT'S what this is about!? Look guys, go home before you get arrested!
Blue looks at Green.
Blue:
Green, you know what to do here! Let’s get this plan going.
Green punches him in the face knocking him out of his chair and knocking the bowl of soup to the floor. Green pulls out some rope as Blue picks him up and sits him in his chair. Green ties him up.
The Senator becomes conscious and screams. Blue sticks a sock in his mouth to muzzle the noise.
Blue:
Stop being a bitch!(he slaps the senator) Green, you know what to do, I'm getting out of here, remember you only have a couple of minutes before the explosion.
Green:
Got it!
Blue hands him an explosive device, when the Senator sees it his eyes flare up and he continues to try and scream through the sock. Blue exits.
Green(pacing around the tied up senator):
You politicians make me sick, especially the ones who are against this bill! You know that teen pregnancy is very very dangerous! How could you honestly live with yourself after knowing
anything about teen pregnancy statistics and signing against the bill that would dramatically keep teen pregnancy down! You are disgusting! You are immoral and undeserving of life you pathetic
fuck! Now your time is up, you can't vote against it if you're dead!
The senator spit’s the sock out of his mouth.
Senator:
Listen, big guy if you do this I swear you will not get away with it! I bet you don’t have the stones to pull this off you weak piece of shit!
Green continues setting down the explosives and doesn’t even look at the senator.
Senator(cont’d):
Look is it money you want? Drugs? Hookers? I could get you anything you want, just don’t kill me please! C’mon big guy, why would you risk getting yourself in so much trouble! I promise I won’t
vote against the bill just please don’t kill me! Why are you ignoring me? C’mon man, I’m just a guy like you! I don’t want to die, I have a family, I have friends, I’m an important fucking government
official you douche bag!
Green looks at him with a blank look and finishes the explosive about 10 feet from the tied up senator and activates it. Green rushes out of the building.
Senator (in the background):
Stop! Please! Help! Somebody untie me!
Outside there are police vehicles arriving to the scene and Green rushes to the van he jumps in.
Green (narration):
Little did I know that this was the day I almost was put away for life because of what I am about to say.
The van stalls and will not move at all. The building explodes knocking some officers down.
Green:
What the Hell is the problem, let's go!
Yellow:
I'm trying! Chill out, there is something wrong with the van!
Green:
Shit, they are going to get us!
Five police officers bang on the sides of the van. One police officer opens the door and throws Red to the ground and points his gun at him.
Officer:
Freeze!
The other officers then follow suit and throw Yellow and Green onto the ground as well with guns pointed at them.
Officer 2:
Freeze! If you move I will open fire!
Cut to black
Fade in
EXT. ROOFTOP DAYTIME RAIN
Narration:
I'm not entirely sure how the rest of the day went, it's all a blur to me, Skype. I know that in the end we somehow survived, probably because people were too concerned with their safety
and not the execution of federal criminals. I just hope you can live with your guilt and the problems created by that day. Poor Emily, she was the girl I pushed down, if only she knew what I knew
about myself, she wouldn't have tried to interfere. Anyway, I hope this reminded you of how horrible you are. Signed Maxwell Hammer the Green Metanaught.
Behind him is a silhouette which just pushes Green off the roof and right before Green hits the ground, the screen cuts to black.