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Would welcome any feedback at all.

Title: Gabriela Santiago And The Seven Cities Of Gold
Drama/Fantasy
Early first draft

Muchos gracias, amigos!

Code:
FADE IN:



               BEGIN FLASHBACK



               EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT - EVENING

               A swirling sandstorm hisses and groans. A setting half
               scimitar sun bakes blood-orange through the melee near the
               skyline.

               SUPER: "New Mexico. 1538."

               FRIAR MARCOS DE NIZA (60) a Franciscan priest, and a
               CABALLERO (20) hauling a large sack that sways and clinks,
               emerge. Rags tied around their mouths, eyes crusted with sand
               and tears.

                                   CABALLERO
                             (lifts his mask -- hacks
                              and spits)
                        [I] DIOS![/I]

               They collapse near a boulder that gives a bit of cover from
               the wind. The caballero pulls the heavy sack to his chest.

                                   NIZA (SPANISH WITH SUBTITLES)
                         Leave it or die, my son.

               The caballero pulls it tighter.

               Suddenly, the sound of the maelstrom ENDS. The wall of sand
               RENDS and SPLITS to reveal in the far distance: a shimmering
               city of GOLD. Spires, domes, a great wall.

               They stare and rub their eyes, which bleed.

                                   NIZA (CONT'D)
                        [I] Cibola![/I]

               Just as quickly, the city is GONE and the curtain of sand
               descends with a peal of thunder and screaming wind.

               Niza stands. The caballero hauls himself upright. A golden
               goblet falls from the lip of the sack. He collapses beside it
               and stuffs the goblet back in. 

               Niza shakes his head sadly. The caballero glares back
               defiantly.

               Niza makes the sign of the cross, turns and stumbles into the
               cloud of dust. The caballero struggles but fails to rise.

                                   CABALLERO
                             (fading behind)
                         Padre!  Padre...  Padre...

               Niza trudges forward, forward...

               His sandled foot steps near a rock.

               Beside the rock, a scorpion watches patiently: nothing abides
               but the lifeless dust -- and me.

               END FLASHBACK

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

               FADE IN:



               EXT. SOUTHERN NEW MEXICO DESERT - MORNING

               SILENCE

               SUPER: "Current time."

               The onyx eyes of a scorpion nestled in the shaded dust of a
               coulee. 

               Rise up and over the scorpion, then ascend the edge of the
               ravine to reveal: an early sun and, below, a trail that
               slithers between sage and cactus.

               Rise, rise -- now we're ten feet high. 

               GABRIELA (Gabby) SANTIAGO (17) plunges forward, backpack
               slung over shoulder. Long hair tied in a bun. Steel-grey eyes
               glance behind, forward, up at us, then back-to-business
               front.

               She passes beneath, trailing only the sound of her footsteps:
               CLUMP. CLUMP.

                                                                CUT TO:



               EXT. A NEARBY DESERT WILLOW - MORNING

               Close-up of a Red-headed woodpecker on the trunk. TAP-TAP.

               SOUND INTERCUT:

               Woodpecker: TAP-TAP

               Gabby: CLUMP. CLUMP

               Woodpecker: TAP-TAP

                                                                CUT TO:



               EXT. BOTTOM OF THE COULEE - MORNING

               The scorpion, oblivious.

               TAP-TAP

               Louder now: CLUMP. CLUMP

               TAP-TAP

               Gabby's frayed boot CRUNCHES the scorpion, then lifts slowly.

                                                                CUT TO:



               EXT. IN THE SHADOWS OF A NEARBY DESERT WILLOW - MORNING

               Startled, the woodpecker FLIES.

               Gabby sits next to the willow, leans up against it, shivers.
               She removes a jackknife from her pocket and scrapes what
               remains of the scorpion from the bottom of her boot.

               She inspects it, pulls a tiny sliver of meat from the chitin,
               tosses it in her mouth, then drops the remains over her
               shoulder.

               She pulls a knit cap from the backpack, jams it on her head,
               then a small blanket and wraps herself. She leans her head
               back and closes her eyes.



               EXT. NEAR THE COULEE - MORNING

               CENTER ON the back of a bulletproof vest: "ICE"

               The ICE AGENT (30), oiled black hair, on horseback moves
               forward and down into the coulee that Gabby emerged from. He
               yanks the horse to a stop and looks around.

               He pulls a rifle from its saddle scabbard and rests it
               casually on his thigh, pointed to the sky. He sees the top of
               Gabby's willow tree some 100 yards hence.

                                   ICE AGENT
                         Giddup

               Down through the gully rider and horse descend.



               EXT. IN THE SHADOWS OF A NEARBY WILLOW - MORNING

               Gabby's face: peaceful. 

               SOUND: The distant "NEIGH" of a horse.

               Her eyes flash open. She reaches frantically for the
               backpack. Catches herself.  She sets it carefully behind the
               tree and settles back, folds her arms.



               EXT. THE COULEE - MORNING

               The ICE agent sees the tree in the distance.  But the shadows
               confuse: perhaps the outline of a person near the tree's
               base? Maybe.

               Man and horse move forward now with a purpose.



               EXT. IN THE SHADOWS OF A NEARBY WILLOW - MORNING

               Gabby CLOSEUP: her green eyes. Smoothly, they roll up into
               her head: nothing but white. A speck of spittle bubbles from
               her lips.

               Above her head on a small branch, the woodpecker settles to
               its former perch.

               From the center of her body, a GREEN MIASMA expands and
               engulfs her, then moves up, up, until it envelops the bird as
               well.

               POV SHIFT: The woodpecker.

               Everything now appears in a verdant shimmer. Look down: the
               top of Gabby's head. Look ahead: a man-horse approaches.



               EXT. THE WILLOW TREE - MORNING

               NORMAL POV

               The ICE agent stops in front of the tree.  He stares.

               A small woodpecker gazes back. Below the bird: nothing but
               tree trunk and sand.

               Standoff. The woodpecker sits quietly, then suddenly "chirs." 

               WOODPECKER POV: 

               The horse-man startles, jerks. It stuffs the rifle into the
               scabbard.  Puts hands on hips. 

               The woodpecker hops left; hops right. I win!

               NORMAL POV:

               Still nothing but a tree and goddamn bird.

               The ICE agent takes a deep breath. He hacks up a wad of
               phlegm and spits.

                                   ICE AGENT
                         Bruja.

               Man and horse turn and trot off toward the mountains.

               WOODPECKER POV:

               The horse-man disappears. 

               NORMAL POV: 

               The woodpecker hops onto Gabby's hat/head. It TAPS her
               forehead with it's beak.

               Tap. Tap. Tap. White eyes stare back at it.

               Satisfied, it flies up, hovers for a second, and disappears.
 
This isn't your first screenplay, is it? Or, at the very least, not your first major writing project? Because you seem to be an exceptionally talented writer. The first scene was interesting; I'm curious to know about the golden city which seemed to be protected by some sort of magic. The second scene was a bit more lighthearted, and I liked it.

Parenthetical's should be below the character's name. It should be:

NIZA
(Spanish with subtitles)
Leave it or die, my son.

Some of the descriptions read more like a novel than a screenplay. It might be helpful to simplify them. For instance: "The onyx eyes of a scorpion nestled in the shaded dust of a coulee." Is it absolutely necessary for the eyes of the scorpion to be onyx? If it is, then keep it. If not, then consider cutting straight to the action (maybe "point" is a better word here).

Also, there are a LOT of camera directions, which can easily take the reader out of the scene.

There really isn't a character to latch on to yet, but I assume that's going to come soon after? It's a bit difficult to gather much information about their personalities and such.

This might seem like a bit much, but let me reassure you that what you've written is genuinely enjoyable. I look forward to reading more as it's finished. Keep it up!
 
Hi, Rochestas

Thanks for the feedback and kind words.

1. This is not my first screenplay. It's my second. (just kidding)

2. I had hoped scraping a scorpion off her boot and eating it raw might reveal information about her personality. ��

3. Yes, lots of POV camera movement that I had hoped would be somewhat masked by the manner in which I described it.

Again, thanks for stopping by!
 
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