Looking for Feedback on my Second Script (Short Film)

[EngelsProduction]

Hey everyone! I am a 16 year old film maker from Canada. I have finished my second script entitled "Intermittent". It is kind of cliche, but I am trying to work on telling a deeper story off of paper. I have done one previous film that I was unable to capture the story I was trying to tell.

It is about a someone who wakes up locked in a room and has lost his memory of how he got into the room. He calls the police and slowly realizes there may be more to the story than he originally thought.

Hope someone can enjoy it! We are planning to film in several weeks. Any constructive criticism or thoughts are welcome!

LINK:

http://bit.ly/1AIZJ3n (Google Drive PDF)

 

[FantasySciFi]

I'm going to focus on some basic issues. Since you're filming this yourself, I'm not going to go through the list of format problems. Just be aware that there are problems with the format. One aspect, though, is you need to break your paragraphs into shorter shot action statements. As written this is more like an 11-12 page script, not 9 if were formatted.

That's important because a properly formatted script will help you visualize shots as director/dp, it will give you a better sense of screen play time and also how much time you will need to shoot and reserve locations for use. A script is a production tool.

You never introduce the characters. So you say a MAN and then toss in at the bottom of the page "Michael". Is Michael the man? What kind of "agent". Especially in the first flashback, you lost me.
Looking at your first page, for example:

INT. ROOM - DAY

A MAN wakes up in a dim room. He is sweating and breathing
heavily. He is lying flat on his stomach. A knife is
laying under his hand. He shoves the knife away as if he is
scared of it. He uses the wall to muscle his way into a
sitting position. He leans back against the wall and rubs
his head with both hands. His face and head are wet with
sweat. He looks around the room. He sees a door that is
locked from the inside with a padlock. He gets up and goes
over to the door. He tries to open the door, but the lock
won't budge. He tries to smash the lock with his fist with
no success. His rage is picking up. He hits his fists
against the door. He is breathing heavily. He steps back
and stumbles. He clumsily falls backwards. He breaks his
landing with his hands. Something falls out of his pocket
and lands on the floor. He caresses his hand and then looks
back at what fell out of his pocket. It is a cellphone. He
flips the phone open and powers on the screen. He dials 911
carefully. He hears the phone ring. On the other end of
the line someone answers the phone.

                              AGENT
              This is (name), what is your
              emergency?

EXT. ALLEY - DAY

A man is walking down an alley. He is walking towards
another man who is looking at the ground and moving towards
him. The man in front of him looks up, he is wearing a
mask.

                             AGENT
               Hello?

RETURN TO PRESENT

INT. ROOM - DAY

                             MICHAEL
                     (into phone)
              Help! 

INT. POLICE OFFICE - DAY

A police officer is sitting at a desk on the phone.

                             AGENT
             What is your problem?

INTERCUT BETWEEN AGENT AND MICHAEL

The man begins to breath a little heavier.
like he is trying to remember something.

Looking at the story, you need to develop Michael's character and the deputy. If you expand out the paragraph of description into visual shots, it will help not only in blocking your shots when you shoot but give a more accurate feel of the script timing. In a properly formatted script, roughly one page equals one minute of screen time. Here's how it may appear if re-formatted:

INT. ROOM - DAY

MICHAEL wakes up in a dim room, sweaty and breathing
heavily. He is flat on his stomach with a knife under his hand. 

He shoves the knife away in terror.

Michale muscles his way up the wall into a sitting position. He 
leans back against the wall and rubs his head with both hands. 

His face and head are wet with sweat. He looks around the room. 

A door locked from the inside with a padlock. 

He gets up and goes over to the door.  He tugs on the lock
won't budge. He pats his pockets. 

He races around opening drawers.  He slings about papers only
to find nothing.

He staggers back and smashes the lock with his fist with
no success. 

His rage picks up and he pounds the door with his fists. 
Nothing happens.

He is breathing becomes labored.  He steps back, stumbles and 
falls backwards. He breaks his landing with his hands

but not before knocking over a coffee table. 

A cellphone falls to the floor. 

He flips the phone open and powers on the screen. He thumbs
through pictures.  His face flickers as he struggles to
recall.

Heaving a sigh, Michael dials 911.

The phone rings. 

                              DEPUTY (O.C.)
                     (on the phone)
              Nine-one-one, what is the nature of
              your emergency?

Michael stares off.

EXT. ALLEY - DAY (FLASHBACK)

A man walks down an alley towards another man in a
raincoat looking at the ground.

The man stops in front of him.

The man in the raincoat looks up, wearing a mask.

                             DEPUTY (O.C.)
                     (on the phone)
               Hello?  Sir, what's your problem?

INT. ROOM - DAY

The man breathes a little heavier as if he is trying 
to remember something.

                             MICHAEL
                     (into phone)
                I ... I don't know where I am. The
                door, it's ... 

                                  INTERCUT WITH:

INT. POLICE OFFICE - DAY

A POLICE DISPATCHER sits at a desk on the phone.

                             DEPUTY
                Stay on the line. Is this your
                phone?

He pauses and then remembers his flashback. 

                             MICHAEL
                I - I don't know.
                    (a beat)
                There was a man.
etc.

Since we get a sense where this is going early on, you need to develop the character dynamics. Ending isn't so much a surprise to the audience as it may be to Michael. You might give some thought how to make it less predictable if that was the intent. Good luck.

 

[EngelsProduction]

Hi. thank- you for your feedback! Thanks for the help with the formatting! I will look into developing the characters and discuss with my AD the topic of a less predictable ending.