LOOK BEHIND YOU - a short comedy

[sina12345]

I've been throwing ideas around for comedys since I've joined this site, and while a few have been put on hold due to actor/technical constraints, I had an idea for one that I could shoot right now. Here's a shortened version of the script (in normal talk), tell me what you think.

I'm probably going to shoot this tomorrow btw, so hopefully this comes out as good as it sounds in my head.

ALSO: I have to say this is a pretty silly style of humor, and I can get if you're not into that, generally this is going to be somewhere between 1-3 minutes, just to get a chuckle, if not a laugh, anyways here it is.

Sina and Anton are sitting at a table eating some pizza. One side pineapple which Anton ordered and the other Meat lovers for Sina. Immediately Anton regrets his decision and eats with his eyes squinted and with an agenda to steal Sina's side.

A few moments pass and he screams "DUDE, don't look now, but you know how your dad said he was going out for a pack of smokes and never came back?"

Sina turns around in a kind of hopefulness one only sees in young children and is immediately disappointed. He falls to the ground sobbing and crying about how it tooks months of therapy for him to get over his abandonment issues.

Anton, as expected, steals a slice of Sina's pizza.

Sina gathers himself and sits back at the table where he realizes Anton has stolen a slice, Anton denying everything.

As Anton finishes his pizza he sees that Sina's ACTUAL long-lost father and twin are standing behind him with a baseball bat and mitt, and urges Sina once again to turn around. Sina won't be fooled twice and refuses to turn around. Eventually Anton convinces him, but Sina exclaims that he's turning around not for him, not for his Dad and Twin who left him like the jerk offs they were, but for himself, for closure.

As he's saying this, his Dad says: "Hey, you know what, we don't need this Son, let's get out of here." And they both turn around and leave. When Sina turns around there is yet again no one there and he once again breaks down and sobs.

Anton undisturbed by the passing events steals yet another slice of Pizza. As he is walking over Sina's fetal body, he is heard calling his own father, wishing him a happy fathers day, and telling him how much he loves him.

Alrighty, that was a mouthful, the script is a little bit more detailed in the way each line is said and such, anyone have anything to add?

Thanks

 

[jrsmithson]

As he's saying this, his Dad says: "Hey, you know what, we don't need this Son, let's get out of here." And they both turn around and leave. When Sina turns around there is yet again no one there and he once again breaks down and sobs.

Is this the punchline of the film? If so there doesn't seem to be much of a climax, instead of saying something funny or surprising they just literally "walk away" from the joke entirely.
Also, how will the Dad say this without Anton or Sina hearing them? Are they far away? Anyway I know it's hard to get visual comedy across verbally, but it sounds like you are on to something. Good luck with your shoot!