Lone Wolf McMother

[Jack Lynt]

I know that I have a lot to learn about screenwriting, including reading a lot more screenplays to get better acquainted with the craft. But I'm also eager to just get in there and start doing it.

So here's my first short screenplay. It's not part of a larger plot, at this time. I just started writing a short and this is the result. It's eleven pages converted from pdf format into Google Documents. But I hope it's a realitively painless and easy read.

Any comments, reactions, thoughts, or instruction are much appreciated.

Rating guide: TV-MA - Mature Audience Only --for Dialogue, Language, Violence, Nudity (DLVN)

Lone Wolf McMother

[EDIT] Sorry, the above link is not to the original script I posted. I failed to keep a copy of it. My bad. The post is to the most recent edit in which I tried to incorporate FantasySciFi's advice....well, I hope most of it. I still haven't shown how Beadle B. might be more important to the story beyond shaking his booty.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Overall, I think you did a great job. You're right in that this is more of a "scene" out of a movie than telling a story in itself. It ends with energy leaving the reader/viewer wanting to see what happens next.

One formatting issue is the sluglines. They should be short and sweet. You wrote:
"INT. HIGH-RISE PROJECT APARTMENT BUILDING - AT DOOR OF APARTMENT 539 - MOMENTS LATER"

We know that an apartment is a building. You can describe the building as a high rise when you initially introduce it. The slugline's main function is to help track location. So you could shorten this to:
"INT. PROJECTS APT., OUTSIDE DOOR 539 - DAY"

We expect time to pass, so "MOMENTS LATER" doesn't really convey information in this case. It's more important to know if this is a DAY or NIGHT shot. "LATER" usually implies a longer passing of time.

The other piece is that if you are following a character through a continuous space, like on the street or in a house, you can use "(CONTINUOUS)" as a descriptor. So instead of:
"EXT. HIGH-RISE PROJECT APARTMENT BUILDINGS - SIDEWALK - MOMENTS LATER", you could write "EXT. STREET OUTSIDE PROJECTS BUILDINGS - DAY (CONTINUOUS)". Now if you need to emphasize certain streets, you can specify them with their own sluglines.

You convey a sense of the characters. The blue flame part was confusing. I kept expecting something slightly more demonic. The introduction of Beadle was a bit of a let down in that regard, even for just this short scene. But, overall, you did a good job.

 

[Jack Lynt]

Fantasy, thank you very much. I was hoping for help on the sluglines. I was wondering if those big clunky things could be right. I'll try to incorporate that in a rewrite. I'll mull the entrance of Beadle B. over. It sounds like it was a let down for you. I admit to being rather fond of him, myself, but it sounds like a re-imagining is called for. Kill your darlings.

Thanks.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I don't object to Beadle. He just seems incidental since all we see is he hides in the back room, runs out, shakes his booty, then disappears. Again this is just a scene, not a story. So your previous scenes would introduce us to him as well as do some set-up for this scene.

I'm not suggesting you kill your darling, just flesh them out a bit.

 

[Jack Lynt]

I don't object to Beadle. He just seems incidental since all we see is he hides in the back room, runs out, shakes his booty, then disappears. Again this is just a scene, not a story. So your previous scenes would introduce us to him as well as do some set-up for this scene.

I'm not suggesting you kill your darling, just flesh them out a bit.

Very cool. But you got me thinking about it and I definately want to re-work it.

Thanks!

 

[Jack Lynt]

Lone Wolf McMother 2.0