Loglines for feedback

What do you think of these loglines?


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Hi everyone,

I have some finished scripts and synopsis made. I'd hope to get an evaluation on the ideas from the following loglines. I just hope my loglines won't be too unclear but I welcome all sorts of critiques and feedbacks.

1- [LOGLINE] CON SCRAMBLES: ACTION, THRILLER:
A vicious drug lord is lured into buying some money printing machine, worth $5million, by two conmen, being his servile subjects on most of his dirty jobs around town. The city is heated by the ravaging upheavals that sets in between the drug lord and the conmen who meander their way out with all the money in the midst of betrayal.

2- [LOGLINE] THE LEGEND OF KWATAYA - THE CHARIOTS OF THE GODS: HORROR, ACTION AND ADVENTURE.

A 14th century tale of the adventures of a young prince, hunted by his tribesmen and a vicious elder in council who will stop at nothing to sell off their god, the Kwataya, to Portuguese explorers. The cruel demise to take the prince down also indulges a young princes from another tribe who resists her father's authority and finds herself under the protection of the young prince in the forbidden forests where they must stand for each other and fight back to keep their tradition.

3- [LOGLINE] AQUA-SAPIENS: SCI-FI, HORROR.
An overzealous and ambitious scientist discovers the secret of creation through a new science he calls genetic activation energy. He secretly creates a new species in his lab that risks taking out the human race. A blend of aquatic and terrestrial species, the Aqua-sapiens are stronger, almost immortal and vicious but there can be hopes of saving the world as a truck driver would stop at nothing to put an end to such charade.

Well, so far, let's try out these three. Please give me your honest feedbacks and opinions.
Thanks.
Conrad.
 
Congrats. You've put down work and seem ambitious. Makes your loglines pretty fun to read. These worlds seem all very intriguing, but these stories do not work for movies yet. That's the impression I get.
 
A vicious drug lord is lured into buying some money printing machine, worth $5million, by two conmen, being his servile subjects on most of his dirty jobs around town. The city is heated by the ravaging upheavals that sets in between the drug lord and the conmen who meander their way out with all the money in the midst of betrayal.

This is what I'd consider a background setting. It's unclear if your story contains a protagonist. It's poorly written. Needs to be clearer.

A 14th century tale of the adventures of a young prince, hunted by his tribesmen and a vicious elder in council who will stop at nothing to sell off their god, the Kwataya, to Portuguese explorers. The cruel demise to take the prince down also indulges a young princes from another tribe who resists her father's authority and finds herself under the protection of the young prince in the forbidden forests where they must stand for each other and fight back to keep their tradition.

Too wordy. You need to remove the superfluous, IE "tale of the adventures of a". It'll do you well to have impact with your writing.

Your #3 is similar to #1. It's a background setting. The truck driver comes from no where.

#2 is the best of what you've provided. It still needs work.
 
Your "loglines" are WAY too long. These are more like short synopses.

Loglines should be about 18-25 words long. You need to make it clear who your main character is, with a defining characteristic about him/her, and present a singular problem that they'll need to overcome, while leaving it ambiguous about whether or not he/she actually overcomes it.
 
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