It was a good effort at portraying the story of the game, I'll give you that (the game itself became confusing towards the end, at least to me). However, there are some major problems, mainly to do with the clarity of the story, the camerawork, shots used and acting - so, a lot, I guess.
The story wasn't clear - at all. It's another game-to-film adaptation that requires the viewer to have played the game beforehand to understand what the hell is going on, but even then it left me confused to an extent - you missed out large gaps that gave some reason to the action, and as a result you had a story that somehow involved a girlfriend (who is never shown again), and then a load of guys trying to kill Alan. It's never explained to the viewer why they attacked him, nor what they were. And while you may only be targeting fans of the game, as a fan of it, I'm not exactly sure what you made stayed true to the story.
Which leads me to another point - the shots used. Adding that shot from in-game of the story Alan can't remember writing, whilst being a nice little nod towards the fans, isn't explained throughout your entire short film. They may somehow connect the paper found and the fact he's writing in the first scene, but even then you're left not knowing why he finds it randomly. Not to mention the shot of that paper from in-game doesn't match the style of the live-action shots, so it just feels terribly out of place.
The enemies didn't react much at all to being shot other than the occasional change in expression, and their deaths were badly done too (I know the guy with the axe was being careful, but he looked like he just laid down). The guy playing Alan also didn't seem to change expression - being forced into a situation where he has to murder someone, you think he'd show some sort of emotion than "oh okay time to shoot".
The camera work was nice in most sections, I'll give you that, but sometimes it was just off enough to make me notice that they were bad. For example, how terribly shaky the camera is at the beginning when he drives away, or the massive blur that you seem to have put over the mobile phone to avoid showing the data/number and yet feels, again, out of place and robs from the experience. Showing the date doesn't matter. Another example of how shaky the camera was is when Alan uses the flare and - in explicably - the enemies freeze in their place (yet another thing that isn't explained to the viewers).
It needs work, but for a fan piece I guess it's okay. Not amazing, not terrible, but a 3-4/10.
Oh, and on an added note, just explaining the story in brief in the video description isn't the way to get a story across - you have to properly show the viewers the story in the video itself, not expect them to go out of their way and read a description. Even if your intent was to confuse the viewers, very much like the character Alan is confused throughout the majority of the game, having the action show confusion as well as the acting - what's there feels like you've been thrown into the deep end of a story, where the main character is already 100% sure of exactly what he's fighting and how to beat them, and the viewers are just left wondering what the hell is going on.
