I liked the first 10 pages. There are several typos and formatting errors that you will want to make sure you clean up. At one point you have GABBU instead of GABBY. You also have a parenthetical which looks like it was supposed to be dialogue (... excuse me). The formatting with the Dream Sequence is wrong. It would be better to have him jerk awake inside the car with Thomas' hand on his shoulder. Having him outside made no sense.
I agree with Baoliun's observations. However, I felt the scenes were too clipped and gave a disjointed feel. I'd also flip off the "continues" as they are not necessary and tend to make your script look amateurish. The only time they are useful is when a dialogue is split across two pages (MORE)...(CONT'D) combo. While some disagree and say no continues, as a reader, actor, and AD, I find it helpful when reading and breaking down a script.
Everyone has their own style and voice. What I often recommend is that you find a style and stay consistent. What helps me when analyzing a script is after the slugline, have a description of the location, followed by a description of the character and any action going on in the scene. Describing a character after you've introduced them and have them acting is disconcerting. You want to guide the reader into picturing the character.
Related to that, you say a "senile" old woman. However, the woman does not come across as senile. You need to be very careful not to use general labels but put in specific actions and visuals to convey that meaning. Your idea of 'senile' may be quite different from mine. You need to describe vividly what makes her 'senile'.
The use of MONTAGE at the bottom of page 7 doesn't make sense. It's really just a continuation of events. Allow the director the freedom to interpret the description. In the second slugline just append "INT. MIKE'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT (LATER)". Also, on page 11, you give details of how the house is laid out. This will likely be changed depending on the scouted location. Also you state the clock reads "3:56" and then in the next line it reads "4:10". The sluglines are respectively NIGHT and DAY. So is that 3:56 AM and 4:10 PM?
As a reader and director, I'm not sure if the implication is he awakens in 14 minutes or almost 12 hours. Always label times. And be careful about familiar references. Yeah, I'm a bit out of the loop, but "loose articles from H&M" doesn't mean anything to me. I'm guessing that H&M is a designer label? You could say something like "with his designer shirt and cap like seen in an H&M catalog." I remember one script that I read mentioned a woman working in a "Piggly Wiggly". That conjured up interesting images in my mind before I learned it was a grocery store!
Overall, I think it has some energy and potential. It needs some formatting work and a bit more attention to pacing. I really don't think the senile woman conversation adds anything at this point. The radio call for backup could just as easily occurred with the second customer. It would save you a page. You're also killing me. Don't put actions into parentheticals--"(as he scans the kitchen for a cup)". That's an action line. It's not a 100% rule, but if you're going into a competition, this is one guideline you seriously want to follow.
I like the story's feel and seems to be well structured so far. You'll want to carefully go through the script for the "craft" details. Good luck!
