I've got a logline

[Ccolebrook]

I don't post here as often as I read, but that's about to change.

This is my rough draft logline to a Sci-fi I've been working on since November 2009. Let me know if it hooks you.

A selfish moon-born orphan is captured in an extraterrestrial invasion whose presence shatters the budding, altruistic society that raised him. While Earth's proud children return to dog-eat-dog in the face of the apocalypse, the orphan's experience with the aliens redefines his duty not only to Earth and his civilization, but to civilization throughout the galaxy.

 

[wridingrlm]

Quicker.





Here is a copy and paste of some loglines (which I'm not sure if they are the original ones given) which quickly tells the the story.

ALL THE RIGHT MOVES
A Pennsylvania steel-town ambitious and hot headed high school coach tries to spoil a football hero’s scholarship dream.

BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY
An Iowa housewife, stuck in her routine, must choose between true romance and the needs of her family.

RUSHMORE
A precocious private high school student whose life revolves
around his school competes with its most famous and successful alumnus for
the affection of a first grade teacher.

JAWS
After a series of grisly shark attacks, a sheriff struggles to protect his small beach community against the bloodthirsty monster, in spite of the greedy chamber of commerce.

ORDINARY PEOPLE
After being institutionalized for a suicide attempt, a teen struggles for sanity and closure but must overcome his greatest adversary first – his mother.

For more please go here.

http://www.tablereadmyscreenplay.com/#/sample-loglines/4535218716

 

[cwags]

if you google log lines or look through some of the posts previously written on this subject on this website you can find tons of great examples. you might even want to do a search for examples for your specific genre. the best way to become a good writer is to be a good reader. reading as many examples as you can should help a lot.

 

[Ccolebrook]

Table Read is a great help. Thank you!

A moon man relinquishes his life as a human to quench his desire of setting foot on humanity's ancestral home.

That sound good?

 

[wcmartell]

What is the conflict?

When you strip away all of the Earth, Moon, Alien stuff - what is the high concept?

- Bill

 

[VPTurner]

Technically, if the orphan is born on the Moon, he, too, is an extraterrestrial because he is beyond the Earth's atmosphere.

So, is it his destiny to save the Earth from its self destructive tendencies? What's at stake?

 

[wheatgrinder]

When the man in the moon turns his eye away from earth, will humanity survive? (its not quite right.. but maybe it will lead you somewhere)

 

[wheatgrinder]

The high concept I think that is being gone for.. is the answer to the ultimate question.. "who am I?"

The moon man is neither human, nor alien, he is neither here nor there.. his identity, his humanity is at risk.. will he accept the responsibilities of being the last civilized human, or give up his humanity, and its requisite responsibilities, for a life of adventure and wonder among the stars?

 

[Ccolebrook]

The most prevalent theme in the script is the weight of space age civilization.

Throughout the story, Nico, the main character only wants one thing: To feel human in an alienating, robot-filled future (to Nico, this means seeing the birthplace of humanity.)
He gets it in the end, but at the cost of everything that made him human in the first place.

First Act 1-35: (A) The altruistic society, bent on finding the source of an unintelligible alien message, just wants Nico to pull his weight. After all, this is an exciting time, and there's a lot of work to be done for the greater good. Feeling unable to stay on the Moon colony until his flight priority rises, he gambles on a bureaucratic loophole. Nico loses, and ends up dragged, kicking and screaming to Mars, taken even farther away. (B) Meanwhile an altruistic Hive Mind civilization of aliens from all over the galaxy, the source of the message, races toward Earth. Following closely, a self-serving, invincible, planet devouring space monster, a Titan. It is thought that the Titan can be quarantined in Earth's solar system, that Earth and the surrounding systems can be towed to safety, leaving the invincible Titan with too far a distance to cross before starving.

Second Act 35-72: (A) The impoverished frontier colony of Mars, where Nico is broken by the conditions. Out here so far from home, without every colonist pulling their weight, the colony risks annihilation in asteroid strikes, power outages, Marsquakes and dust storms. (B) The hive mind space ship arrives at Mars. Mistaken for an asteroid, the humans attempt to blow it up, causing an invasion in which the hive mind must root out the terrified humans. Thinking it an attempt to destroy their budding civilization, it comes down to Nico to reconnect the power lines to the satellite and send footage of the invasion back to Earth. Electrocuted, a martyr for the Earth he so loves, Nico is scooped up with the others, and removed from Mars just in time. The Titan bears down on Mars.

Third Act 73-104: (A) Nico wakes to find himself in alien captivity, but not just any captivity. There is a glowing little planet inhabited by Nanobots, literally rooted in his skull. Tied to these ant-like robots in life and death, Nico is shown the stakes, a glimpse of the Titan, Mars being devoured, and his importance to his fellow life in the face of the cold, indifferent universe.
(B) The violent invasion footage from Mars is leaked on Earth, spurring distrust in the leadership. The planets devoured by the Titan are found missing, adding to the schism between the loyals and the renegades. Everyone wants a ticket off of Earth, and the altruistic air of the society utterly breaks down.
(A) meets (B): Nico, now inducted into the Hive mind, inhabites a communal mind space, 'the grid'. Minds taken and re-educated from all over the galaxy, harnessed into one entity hell bent on saving budding civilizations from the indifferent destruction nature is so keen on (shown through the Titan). Nico is materialized in a new body, a robotic shell identical to that of every other mind, a model of robot he fired bullets at on Mars.
The Hive mind finds Earth in a full steam Evacuation. Landing on the planet, the hive mind fights the Loyals who are now hostile to the Aliens they used to pine to meet, and rescuing the enlightened renegades.
As the Titan devours the moon, and the losses from human weaponry become apparent, Nico is let in on the news that they can no longer move Earth out of the way. The Titan will devour it as well. As the Hive mind evacuates with all the humans they can carry, Nico disconnects entirely, rising off the gridlines. He spends his last moments as an alien robot laying in a field of grass, playing with dirt, listening to birds, observing an anthill. Perishing off the grid with his ancestral home rather than be bound, tethered to the grid, to civilization, to the hive.

Now if you've read all this I'd like to thank you immediately. I've been dying to share my ideas with a base of very critical readers, and it's not often I can get an audience to scrutinize the shit out of my stuff.
I know I'm missing something. When I try to break the story down it feels very cluttered, like I've got to include ten different gears to get this machine to work. Maybe it's too complicated for a screenplay? I have trouble simplifying it into one sentence without leaving it incredibly vague.

Of course my family and friends think it's great. Of course that's nice to hear but it doesn't help me any. What's wrong with this thing?

 

[VPTurner]

You're right. If you are not able to sum it up in one brief sentence or two, it may be too complex for a two hour movie. George Lucas ran into this exact same problem with The Adventures of Starkiller and had to break it up into what became Star Wars.

The crux of the story is on Nico, so theoretically Nico's line of action is the basis for your logline. Everything else is just fluff, bits and piece of Nico's world that get in the way of his goal. From what you've written, saving the planet isn't his goal nor is saving humanity. It's more like saving himself. And that line of action is generally reserved for an antagonist because he's not out to serve the greater good. It's almost as though he's just along for the ride while everything around him "makes stuff happen". It should be your protagonist making it happen.

Mini stories that could easily make movies of their own:

Survival of the colony on Mars.
Survival of Earth, the birthplace of humanity.
War between the Hive and humanity.
The Hive and humanity fighting for survival against a seemingly indestructible force (where's the Silver Surfer when you need him).

Your "A" story (Nico's journey) is overshadowed by three to four "B" stories. It's no wonder you are having logline challenges.

My advice, take everything else and use it as "context" and focus on Nico's journey and character arc as the "content". Strip away all the science fiction (for now) and find the humanity in your human. Find through him what makes us human, explore it, turn it upside down, distort it, then make it whole again. Let the audience find it with him, through him.

Find your theme. That's what's missing.

 

[PositiveFuture]

I agree that the first verision is too long and the second not dramatic enough. Maybe employ the Mamet acid-test:

-Who wants what from who?
-What happens if they don't get it?
-Why now? (Not so important in a logline...or is it?)

I think 'What are the stakes?' is always a better question than 'What's the high concept?'

Edit: Oops, VPTurner beat me to it!

In the successful loglines posted we can immediately see what the hero is rooting for and get behind them. This, I believe, is missing from your logline. Still, it sounds intriguing to me...

 

[wheatgrinder]

+1 on having several good stories here! Id pick ONE of your acts and make that a feature. What your calling ACT II jumps out to me as the most "movie ready"

But I can also sorta see a way through this HUGE story into a more traditional story line..

In ACT I you establish a simple external goal.. get to earth, to have an adventure!. Thats a good one. the ACT I goal is NOT SUPPOSED to be the climax goal, rather its a goal to "start the new life." In Act I we want to learn about Nico and we need to have empathy with him.

You could open with him at the card table and as he is playing and winning, (everybody likes a winner!) we will grow attached to Nico and what happens to him. The card game is a classic exposition device, the other gamblers tell bits and pieces of their own stories from which we get the larger picture of the alien message and the societal mission to decode that message.. You can also tell us a lot about Nico by the way the other gamblers talk to him\about him..

You can cut back and forth between the card game, and the hive ship with the trailing Titan coming.. its cool if we DON'T know what it is yet, that will build curiosity in the viewer. By the end of the card game, through exposition of the card game it should be obvious that one of the objects is the Hive ship.. but the viewer now knows something the characters don't. that SOMETHING bad is following the hive ship.. This is a good device for building DREAD in the viewer..

As the card game ends, Nico is shanghaied to Mars and the viewer sees the Hive entering the solar system with earth in its path...

Were still in ACT I as he starts his new "adventure" but on mars, and he is getting used to the NEW LIFE (its ok, his new life sucks, that happens!) Here though, is where you have to have an Inciting event. SOMETHING BIG happens to Nico that PROPELS him to action.. to leave the NEW LIFE (as bad as it is, at least hes safe) to put him self in direct DANGER.. You have this as he is drafted into the Army, but you have yet to reveal the NEW VISIBLE GOAL. (insert goal here) With this revelation, and his first Step on the new journey, we END ACT I


... the rest is your problem

I don't think there is any possible way to photograph the goal "to feel human in an alienating, robot-filled future" That seems like the INTERNAL motivation, but what is Nicos EXTERNAL motivation?

 

[wheatgrinder]

For what its worth.

All that rich detail is important, but as back-story that may not ever be told in your screen play. With this rich and well defined back story, any story that you craft in that universe will resonate as authentic. You will not need to reveal EVERY factoid in the back story, but those facts you DO reveal will be internally consistent and lead to a "complete" world view.

For example: Does the viewer REALLY need to know how "altruistic" the moon men are, or the hive mind is... ( Id guess that this was a key concept to your idea early on, and you don't want to let it go...) altruism cannot be photographed. Your story would work just as well in a complete militaristic society..

 

[wheatgrinder]

The most prevalent theme in the script is the weight of space age civilization.

Great novel idea, but again, can NOT be photographed. Scripts are VISUAL things.. not literal.

A simple rewording.. How "the weight of space age civilizations crush the human spirit." This suggests many images that can be photographed..

echoes of orwell .. a black boot steeping on a human neck forever..

Name the thing, Name the action.

 

[PositiveFuture]

Wheatgrinder,

I think you can photograph anything if you brainstorm it enough. But I agree that the script needs to be repointed to be more visual.

I don't think there is any possible way to photograph the goal "to feel human in an alienating, robot-filled future"

- A lot of scenes in Blade Runner tackled this feeling... a different aspect of the theme, but the human/robot conflict was there.
- There could be 'Robot only', or 'Human only' bars in this future society. Maybe photograph the lead character's frustration as he's kicked out of a bar for being the wrong 'species'.

altruism cannot be photographed.

- Robot gives a beggar a coin.
- Human helps a broken robot.
- Robot donates a body part in hosptital to a human that's been in an accident, or vice-versa.

Those are just hack ideas off the top of my head. I think anything can be visually depicted with enough thought.

 

[wheatgrinder]

Wheatgrinder,

I think you can photograph anything if you brainstorm it enough. But I agree that the script needs to be repointed to be more visual.



- A lot of scenes in Blade Runner tackled this feeling... a different aspect of the theme but the human/robot conflict was there.
- There could be 'Robot only', or 'Human only' bars in this future society. Maybe photograph the lead character's frustration as he's kicked out of a bar for being the wrong 'species'.



- Robot gives a beggar a coin.
- Human helps a broken robot.
- Robot donates a body part in hosptital to a human that's been in an accident, or vice-versa.

Those are just hack ideas off the top of my head. I think anything can be visually depicted with enough thought.

Your examples prove my point. You can NOT photograph INTERNAL thoughts.. only the results of those thoughts.. it may seem like semantics, but its vital to visual story telling.

Log Lines that talk about "a man comes to grips with his own feelings of inadequacy." can not be photographed. Simple as that. Its a good JUMPING off point for brainstorming visual representations of that idea.. but the idea itself can not be photographed.

For example this image (random pick from google) can represent a MILLION THINGS..

Now, I set you up to think maybe the guy didn't quite "get it together" .. but you cant tell squat by looking at the image.. maybe he just killed his mom.. or farted. how would you know..

 

[PositiveFuture]

You can NOT photograph INTERNAL thoughts.. only the results of those thoughts.. it may seem like semantics, but its vital to visual story telling.

OK I see what you're saying. Yes, the logline needs to be more visual. Visual impact, plus a clear idea of what the character wants, and what the stakes are seem to be the three keys.

"a man comes to grips with his own feelings of inadequacy."

For that example, I guess it's better to say...

"He pinches himself hard and downs another shot when he sees her enter the room. The barman winks at him and sighs."

Then we get a visual representation of an abstract concept.

 

[Ccolebrook]

Wow! Thanks for the responses guys. I'm getting a lot of good ideas for changes here. Namely making Nico a driving force in how the story develops, rather than a relatable guy caught up in a tossy-turny world as he is now.

As far as visually expressing the alienation, I've taken the route of capitalizing on the idea of 'cleaning robots', consistently erasing evidence of human life on the moon. Foot prints, hand prints, dirt, trash. The place looks the same every day as if no one lived there at all. I expose this through action lines as the story goes along (Nico is always eating something*Titan*, attempting to make a mess, subconsciously wanting to leave evidence that he exists, make up for a childhood he never grew out of) and a Robotic Bar Keep (lovably buffoonish, but nonetheless a painful simulation of good company), as well as my female lead, which is the quintessential 'down to earth' female, a fresh transfer from Italy just as Nico has to leave. Nico is immediately attracted, as she contrasts so heavily with her gal-pal (a cliche'd sci-fi culturette. Fiberoptic hair, flashiness, covering up the fact that she's an animal etc.)

You could open with him at the card table and as he is playing and winning, (everybody likes a winner!) we will grow attached to Nico and what happens to him.

He's not literally gambling at a card table. My bad. He finds a loophole in the bureaucracy in that the Riot Police will place new recruits wherever they need them (Nico's brother is a captain in the riot guard on Earth, and takes the brunt of the storyline in the renegade uprising later on). His brother is caught assisting the underground (The reason Nico is sent to Mars, creating relationship tension in the only family he has) in inciting riots to pump up his record, and consequently, force transferred down to the monotonous record keeping, where he is involved in the leak when the mars footage unexpectedly comes streaming in.
This is how I open up on Nico's world, before we even see Nico.

EXT. MOON - AMERICAN LANDING SITE - NIGHT
Work lights bathe mechanical 1960's American Astronauts while they reenact the moon landing.
TECHNICIAN #1, dressed for a space walk, stabs into one of the astronauts, cutting it open.
It powers down and locks up. The technician strips off the space suit, mending a broken solder on the horrifying mess of wires and rigid metal.
The jaw clacks with movement, airing a garbled recording.

ASTRONAUT #1
(recording)
--one giant leap for mankind--

echoes of orwell .. a black boot steeping on a human neck forever..

My very initiating Idea was to think of a big brother government with the best of intentions. It's more or less how they are portrayed =)

I could go into more detail, but I think my problem lies more with making my (A) story an actual (A) story than visually expressing my ideas. I'm well practiced in visually representing my ideas, not so much with summarizing them.
If anyone is interested and actually has time to read the whole thing, send me a PM or something. You've all been very helpful!

 

[Ccolebrook]

Here's how I open the screenplay up, for example.

OUTER SPACE - ALIEN SOLAR SYSTEM

Endless stars twinkle. A blanket of scintillation for a rolling planet.

With the lights of civilization peeking through a sparkling, dusty cloud cover, the planet soars away, revealing long lines leading to massive ships the likeness of ancient asteroids.

The asteroids tug the planet off into deep space, joining a stream of worlds evacuating the dense solar system.

One planet still lies in orbit. Wispy clouds, green hugging its equator, blinding, sporadic pulses of light alluding to the utter emergency below the atmosphere.

Suspended in the sunshine, tethered to its surface, an asteroid ship thrusts, feeble, powerless on its own.

The minuscule vessels of the planet's inhabitants flee past the asteroid ship. An exodus glinting in the sun.

On the dark side of the planet, the pulses of light spread and grow into an intense strobe covering the surface.

Fiery projectiles exit the atmosphere and fly into space toward the darkened moon; they're shooting at something.

A pitch black amoebic hole approaches the moon, blotting out the bright nebulae behind. Silhouetted tendrils writhe outward, wrapping into the moon's surface.

It cracks, breaks, ripped into flaming pieces, shedding a brief, dying light on THE TITAN, a shrouded beast.

The moon burns up entirely, devoured, and the Titan returns to invisible blackness, bearing down on the frantic planet.

Absorbing the harmless weapon's fire, its tentacles dip through the planet's atmosphere. A feast.

Coiling around the countryside, suffocating the green plant life, searing deep lesions into the surface. The titan wrenches the planet into burning, bite sized chunks.

The asteroid ship drops its lines to the lost planet, dives away, passing the snail's pace exodus that begins to helplessly gravitate backward.

Each little vessel climaxes on the festering wall of darkness in a burst of exposing light.

The asteroid ship screams from the system.

The lights dotting its surface dim away into hibernation as it finds its speed across the depths of space.

Looming behind, revealed in intermittent flames, the Titan's black abyss turns, follows.

 

[PositiveFuture]

As far as visually expressing the alienation, I've taken the route of capitalizing on the idea of 'cleaning robots', consistently erasing evidence of human life on the moon. Foot prints, hand prints, dirt, trash. The place looks the same every day as if no one lived there at all. I expose this through action lines as the story goes along (Nico is always eating something*Titan*, attempting to make a mess, subconsciously wanting to leave evidence that he exists, make up for a childhood he never grew out of) and a Robotic Bar Keep (lovably buffoonish, but nonetheless a painful simulation of good company), as well as my female lead, which is the quintessential 'down to earth' female, a fresh transfer from Italy just as Nico has to leave. Nico is immediately attracted, as she contrasts so heavily with her gal-pal (a cliche'd sci-fi culturette. Fiberoptic hair, flashiness, covering up the fact that she's an animal etc.)

You seem to have some great ideas. Very creative but grounded and practical as well. I can really get a feel for your story from the little scenes you've given. It's a world I want to see more of. I rarely say that, cos I think many modern filmmakers are creatively bankrupt.

The flavour of the story reminds me of THX-1138, where Lucas created an engrossing total world on a relatively low budget.

I'm well practiced in visually representing my ideas, not so much with summarizing them.

It sounds like you're brain-storming some great stuff. If you're still not sure of the order things happen in, maybe you could write key scenes thing on cards and move them around a bit. I think people are definitely right in getting you to hone it down...

I would look for Kubricks '6 Unsinkable Units' - 6 unforgettable scenes you really wanted to get into the viewers head. Take your 6 best things... Then set them on the floor and daydream for a week or two until a common thread comes and links them together.

I'm bookmarking this thread, it's a welcome break from working on my more Earth based project...