I wrote a script for a short film I plan to shoot next month. I am having second thoughts because it seems a little too cliché. I only have about a week to fine tune it. Let me know what you think of this storyline:
We begin with a mini montage of nature's beauty. Among the beauty, we find a white rose laying on the ground. While the montage plays, a conversion between two men can be heard. One is a lawyer. The other is a client. The conversion moves along and we soon learn that this men (client) woke up in the middle of the woods, with no memory, and with a dead body nearby. The conversion ends with the dialogue "I only remember waking up". As the dialogue finishes, the montage cuts to live action. We shift focus from nature, to a man waking up. The man's name is revealed to be Earl. He looks around, lost and confused. He searches for clues and finds a gun. He stuffs it in his belt. He continues to walk around and finds a mound of dirt that seems out of place. Filled with curiosity, he begins to uncover what lies beneath. He finds a dead body. At first he is disgusted, but then his curiosity makes him take a second look. The dead body seems familiar. He is sadden by this death, but soon his sadness turns to anger as he comes to the conclusion that he himself, must be a victim. He begins to scream and asks the murderer to face him. As he screams, his head begins to spiral. He falls to the ground in pain. As he turns in pain, he sees a men standing before him. His conscience has taken physical form. His conscience shows him what really happened.
Earl drove to a person's home (the dead body), who is revealed to be Charles. After a confrontation with Charles, who abused Earl's sister, Rosaline, Charles is badly beaten and presumed dead. Earl wraps the body with a bed sheet, and drives to the woods to dump the body. He arrives at the woods and drags the body to it's resting spot. He digs a hole, lays him down, covers the hole and lays a white rose on top. As he's doing this, Earl sees the burial move. He panics, runs, trips and slams his head into a rock. He wakes up with memory loss. (We're back at the beginning.) Earl is struck with grief over what he's done. His conscience talks to him; tells him he did the right thing. Earl begins to turn on his conscience. He starts to think his conscience made him do this heinous act. The camera cuts to the burial site. As the fight continues, we focus in on the rose. The fight reaches its breaking point and a gunshot goes off. The Rose is splattered with blood. A couple seconds later, the burial begins to move again. The gunshot has woken him up. Slowly, the men we thought was dead, begins to rise from the dirt.
Dialogue from the beginning continues and the script finishes with the same words that started it all. "I only remember waking up." Thoughts?
We begin with a mini montage of nature's beauty. Among the beauty, we find a white rose laying on the ground. While the montage plays, a conversion between two men can be heard. One is a lawyer. The other is a client. The conversion moves along and we soon learn that this men (client) woke up in the middle of the woods, with no memory, and with a dead body nearby. The conversion ends with the dialogue "I only remember waking up". As the dialogue finishes, the montage cuts to live action. We shift focus from nature, to a man waking up. The man's name is revealed to be Earl. He looks around, lost and confused. He searches for clues and finds a gun. He stuffs it in his belt. He continues to walk around and finds a mound of dirt that seems out of place. Filled with curiosity, he begins to uncover what lies beneath. He finds a dead body. At first he is disgusted, but then his curiosity makes him take a second look. The dead body seems familiar. He is sadden by this death, but soon his sadness turns to anger as he comes to the conclusion that he himself, must be a victim. He begins to scream and asks the murderer to face him. As he screams, his head begins to spiral. He falls to the ground in pain. As he turns in pain, he sees a men standing before him. His conscience has taken physical form. His conscience shows him what really happened.
Earl drove to a person's home (the dead body), who is revealed to be Charles. After a confrontation with Charles, who abused Earl's sister, Rosaline, Charles is badly beaten and presumed dead. Earl wraps the body with a bed sheet, and drives to the woods to dump the body. He arrives at the woods and drags the body to it's resting spot. He digs a hole, lays him down, covers the hole and lays a white rose on top. As he's doing this, Earl sees the burial move. He panics, runs, trips and slams his head into a rock. He wakes up with memory loss. (We're back at the beginning.) Earl is struck with grief over what he's done. His conscience talks to him; tells him he did the right thing. Earl begins to turn on his conscience. He starts to think his conscience made him do this heinous act. The camera cuts to the burial site. As the fight continues, we focus in on the rose. The fight reaches its breaking point and a gunshot goes off. The Rose is splattered with blood. A couple seconds later, the burial begins to move again. The gunshot has woken him up. Slowly, the men we thought was dead, begins to rise from the dirt.
Dialogue from the beginning continues and the script finishes with the same words that started it all. "I only remember waking up." Thoughts?
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