Is anyone interested in reading my short, 'The Art of Falling in Love' ?

[MPatrickHeywood]

I'm going to shoot it up in Boston the weekend of October 8th and I could use some final feedback on it before we shoot it! It's a shade under 17 pages... and it's an easy read, I promise.

The whole idea of the piece is our expectations of love vs. the reality of it. We have these ideas that we are totally intent on making come true. We make ourselves believe something because we want it to be true, even when it isn't. It's how when we're searching for love, it's impossible to create something organic and how we meet people who change our lives when we least expect it. Most original idea? Probably not... but it's something I have a strong connection to. And I like to think it's pretty well excecuted.

I wrote it a few months ago and have since done some major editing to it... but I would really like outside feedback. I know it's hard to give feedback on a film script, because the final product is so visual... but just on characters/story/construction/dialogue/length/etc. I'd like to make it as good as it can possibly be! So any positive and/or constructive comments would be hugely helpful.


It is copyrighted, just an FYI, so no funny business

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0BwOOHusPLS5KZmM2ZTkwN2EtYzE0Ni00MDVjLThkMGEtODVjNDUzYTc1YWM1&hl=en

Thank you so much in advance!

 

[mad_hatter]

I found this really quite interesting. It's a nice story with some good dialogue. I'd be interested to see the finished piece.

I can't be sure on your formatting in there as you've done some unusual stuff, but none of it matters as you're shooting it yourself. Slightly confused about the ending, specifically this:

***I still don’t know what I want this damn note to say.
I’ll figure it out!

Is this a note for yourself? I'm assuming it is. If the ending is that with her leaving the note about her boyfriend, I'm not sure if I like it. It seems abrupt. But it does work.

It's well written, especially as something just for you and your cast/crew to work to. Good job.

 

[TheArtist]

I like the writing, and I like the idea but I don't like its development.

If I understood correctly, you want to oppose reality to Hollywood romances. Yet, Connor here is having a really unusual, un-reality-like, "date". So just how is this supposed to help you make your point ?

Also, what was Kim's motive to act so seductive and then to snap out of the picture ?

Apart from that, I noticed two typos page 7 and 11. Two "you're" instead of "your".

 

[Ponty301]

I really enjoyed this piece. Some of the dialog could be a little tighter but overall well done.

The ending, though, is what didn't work for me. It seemed abrupt and kind of pointless, it doesn't feel completely right for her character to do that. There's this extensive conversation between the two, both are starting to like each other and then she leaves. Idk, it just doesn't feel right. I think the note should of read something like: I'm not your type, but if you feel differently you can find me at .....

or she steals his stuff while his eyes are closed and leaves. The End

I would try to go with the former.

This story could go on longer, perhaps even a feature? I like the characters, I like the dialog (some of which could be tweaked). You've got the skill, now lets see how you shoot it!

 

[MPatrickHeywood]

I found this really quite interesting. It's a nice story with some good dialogue. I'd be interested to see the finished piece.

I can't be sure on your formatting in there as you've done some unusual stuff, but none of it matters as you're shooting it yourself. Slightly confused about the ending, specifically this:

***I still don’t know what I want this damn note to say.
I’ll figure it out!

Is this a note for yourself? I'm assuming it is. If the ending is that with her leaving the note about her boyfriend, I'm not sure if I like it. It seems abrupt. But it does work.

It's well written, especially as something just for you and your cast/crew to work to. Good job.

Thank you for taking the time to read it. Haha, I know... my format style is sort of strange, especially in this version. But because it's really only for the people involved and I'm directing it myself... I just wanted something to make it as easy for me as possible.

And yes, that note is to myself! The whole idea with the note is, when he's taking her picture and he says "I just want to be able to remember this" she looks up at him, and realizes that he wants something really serious and that's just not her type of personality. She likes him, that;s obvious... but, as he says in his opening narration, he's constantly trying to create these situations that are ideal for himself, but he takes things way too fast. So when he says that quote... I want there to be a change in her, which will obviously be a lot easier to show in the film with editing/shot selection. It's the idea that he creates this expectation of what's going to happen, but in reality he just isn't learning from his own mistakes in the past, she gets a little freaked out, and leaves. It's like he blew it... again. But that's just my take on it.

 

[MPatrickHeywood]

I like the writing, and I like the idea but I don't like its development.

If I understood correctly, you want to oppose reality to Hollywood romances. Yet, Connor here is having a really unusual, un-reality-like, "date". So just how is this supposed to help you make your point ?

Also, what was Kim's motive to act so seductive and then to snap out of the picture ?

Apart from that, I noticed two typos page 7 and 11. Two "you're" instead of "your".

Well... it's not so much that I want to oppose them... it's that you have these two different types of people. You have this guy, who wants nothing more than a Hollywood romance, and a girl who couldn't want anything less. They meet, they obviously like each other... but their central personalities are so opposing. So it's not that I'm saying Hollywood romances are terrible, because I don't think that... I just think they gives people like Connor unrealistic expectations, so when he says "I just want to remember this" and "I'm having such an amazing time", these things actually scare Kim off rather than attract her to him... it turns a simple, nice first encounter into something more than she bargained for.

As for the picture thing... that's supposed to be an imaginary sequence in Connor's mind. Again, like he does throughout the film, he's creating these situations in his head, but the reality of what's actually happening is completely different. Connor thinks in extremes.

And thank you for the typo notes!

 

[MPatrickHeywood]

I really enjoyed this piece. Some of the dialog could be a little tighter but overall well done.

The ending, though, is what didn't work for me. It seemed abrupt and kind of pointless, it doesn't feel completely right for her character to do that. There's this extensive conversation between the two, both are starting to like each other and then she leaves. Idk, it just doesn't feel right. I think the note should of read something like: I'm not your type, but if you feel differently you can find me at .....

or she steals his stuff while his eyes are closed and leaves. The End

I would try to go with the former.

This story could go on longer, perhaps even a feature? I like the characters, I like the dialog (some of which could be tweaked). You've got the skill, now lets see how you shoot it!

Thank you for the kind words!

Well, I think there are certain things that don't come across in the writing like I want them to... which hopefully I can make work with visuals. I think Kim would do that, simply because she's a little overwhelmed by Connor's forwardness toward the end. As I mentioned above, it's that scene where she goes to write him a note, and he says that he just wants to remember this. It intimidates her, and kind of snaps her out of these false reality she was falling into. To be honest, I don't think she even has a boyfriend. It's her just making an excuse to leave because she's scared of the commitment. Maybe I should put something about that earlier on to make that more clear? It's just this idea that Connor is that Kim mentions that she's abrasive... but it turns out that Connor's the one who goes a little too far when she's only known this girl for like, 30 minutes! So at the end, Connor is stuck, making his own mistakes all over again!

I'm going to tinker with the ending, for sure though.

 

[TheArtist]

Why don't you write that in the note she leaves ? I liked your explanations and read it with real interest and I find your idea very compelling and wish you good luck btw yt show onscreen the change that happens in Kim's face upon hearing his "I want to remember this."

Now that you say it, yes, he is going very fast and I really think that Kim, being presumably a nice peson, would give the real reasons for her departure, just to help him out find inner peace.

"Dear Connor,

Here it goes. I like you and you like me. But you're in love of the idea of falling in love.

blablabla

xoxo"

 

[MPatrickHeywood]

Why don't you write that in the note she leaves ? I liked your explanations and read it with real interest and I find your idea very compelling and wish you good luck btw yt show onscreen the change that happens in Kim's face upon hearing his "I want to remember this."

Now that you say it, yes, he is going very fast and I really think that Kim, being presumably a nice peson, would give the real reasons for her departure, just to help him out find inner peace.

"Dear Connor,

Here it goes. I like you and you like me. But you're in love of the idea of falling in love.

blablabla

xoxo"

I know! I totally agree with you. It's one of those "I know WHAT I want the note to say, but I don't know exactly how I want it said" deals, y'know? I want her to be blunt, but I also don't want the audience thinking that I'm trying to shove the message/idea down their throats with totally obvious dialogue. I think I'm just over-thinking it! haha

 

[TheArtist]

Give it a rest, live your life without thinking about it. But have paper and pen on you ! It will hit hit you like a truck.