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critique Inamorata - Short Thriller - 9 Pages

First of all, this is a finished product...sorry for flooding the board.

Logline: After meeting a beautiful woman at a night club, Jacob finds himself at her apartment and at her mercy.

This is pretty dark, graphic and all sorts of twisted. Hopefully someone here enjoys it.

On a technical note, I used a lot of parentheticals when I need a piece of dialogue delivered in a specific manner. It should be sense, but anyway onto the link.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-3z8mUrU-Pki4OJWOjTkYFCcjjG9fWkA/view?usp=drivesdk
 
That was fantastic, l really enjoyed it.
If I was to take your script, as it is now, for pre-production work, it is perfect to begin building with.
Sorry, I have very little experience with the actual art of script writing, I can only offer my opinion in relation to the feasibility, and compatibility for translation to film or TV development. In that respect it works very well. What are you plans for it?
 
Dang, pretty good. A little damn brutal, but I guess that's the point. What audience would this be for? It plays out like it shouldn't end yet... Like it might be the opening scene to something. Very good scene regardless.
 
Hey Steven,


I’ll make notes as I read.

Pardon me if I’m wrong should it be ‘beret’ for one and berets (plural)?

I love the way how you describe the opening with Jacob and Evelyn. It really gets my attention.

Like the pill part she doesn’t mess around.

I like how you describe the scene about the cigarette.

The personification of tragedy. (great line)!

That was awesome. Nice twist! I would like to see more about them if they team up and go back to the club maybe goes into a hostel type movie?

I think they way you write flows well keep me glued (and with ADD that’s saying a lot).

Definitely want to read more of your stuff!
 
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