...Regarding this short part in a much larger script.
So, I don't really want to get into the details about the feature length film, but its basically about a series of people who basically cross the point of no return and plunge down a part of the human condition that few generally venture off into. The title of the movie is called "Beyond the Rubicon" because the basic theme that threads this whole thing together is the human condition, itself and how one can go from good to evil. Anyway, there are these two scenes I'm working on right now that take place at two different time periods with two different groups of people who end up colliding with each other ten years down the road.
One of them takes place in 1993 and involves a corrupt detective and an old Russian lawyer who found out he has a slow growing cancer and is going to die in 10 to 15 years or even sooner. The other one takes place in 2003 and involves a grad student who basically goes off the edge and decides he wants to kill this girl who works with him along with his other peers (become a public shooter to have a podium to speak).
Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I need to know if the dialogue sounds corny or if it actually sounds intriguing and authentic. Be as harsh as you want.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Jack slowly makes his way over. Beyond the glass door, he can see a 60 something year old man sitting on a chair, staring out into the open field. He is bald and seems to be wearing thin circular glasses. He has a goatee and wears a heavy jacket.
As Jack steps out onto the porch, a low breeze gusts through the air hitting a chime bell. He stands still, staring straight at Ivanov who has a book on his lap but he is still peering out in the distance.
IVANOV
(Russian accent)
Its funny how you feel more free and alive when you know you’re dying. It’s just the kind of push a man needs to get what he desires most; Power. Freedom. Money. But no one ever strives to attain such things, unless the very shackles of their everyday lives are destroyed.
He looks over at Jack.
IVANOV
It’s the very essence of how Empires form, Mr. Dolan. All those great men we hear about in the history books wouldn’t have accomplished anything if there wasn’t anything else for them to live for. Because, one must lose everything in order to gain everything from others.
Jack stands there for a moment, trying to process everything he’s saying.
IVANOV
So…You’re the man they call Jack Dolan. You lost a friend recently. Or so I heard.
ANGLE ON JACK, his eyes slightly water as he stands there looking at him.
JACK
There was an accident.
IVANOV
Well, you can have a seat. No one’s going to hurt you.
As Jack sits down he continues.
IVANOV
He must have meant a lot to you if you were willing to murder a woman in cold blood…Even jeopardize your own life.
JACK
Like I said, it was an accident.
IVANOV
No…it wasn’t Mr. Dolan. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be in this line of work. You meant to pull that trigger. You meant to kill Rebecca and you reveled in it; seizing a life that took it all away from you…And of course, in the process you cost me a lot of money.
JACK
So when are you going to kill me?
IVANOV
Kill you? (light smile). Gerald’s story…It really spooked you, didn’t it?
JACK
Depends on what happened to him.
IVANOV
He skipped town…Maybe. Or, maybe his body is at the bottom of the Chesapeake. Or maybe, just maybe he’s still alive somewhere, locked away in a dark cage, far away from civilization…Anyway, it doesn’t matter because if I were planning to kill you, I wouldn’t have invited you to my humble establishment. So don’t worry.
Jack says nothing but stares with great intensity.
All of the sudden, Ivanov’s wife comes out with a tray, breaking the intense moment. On it are two cups of warm tea and some sugar cookies. The two children who were playing inside, also come out and begin running around the yard, chasing each other.
ELENA
Here we are.
IVANOV
Thank you, my dear.
ELENA
Would you care for anything else, Mr. Dolan.
JACK
No thank you. This is fine.
ELENA
Alright. Just come inside if you need anything.
IVANOV
Thank you, Elena.
She walks back inside. Ivanov stares at the children playing. He takes one of the cups of tea.
JACK
So if you’re not gonna kill me, then why did you call me out here?
IVANOV
Because I want to salvage what I can…It’s what you do after a disaster like this. I’m sure you were on the edge after that little fiasco and a man on edge is a man whose…Well, dangerous to the operation…
He gives Jack a pat on the back.
IVANOV
I just want to reassure you that everything will continue as normal. You don’t have to worry…If anything you helped yourself.
JACK
How so?
IVANOV
You showed me your willingness to keep the Empire running.
JACK
But, you wanted her alive?
IVANOV
Indeed. But, you and I both knew it wouldn’t have lasted with that woman. No…Rebecca made her decision the moment she killed Daniel. She could have done worse if I took her back. You did us all a favor, Jack, even if we lost some money.
Ivanov picks his cup up and takes a long sip. He gives a slight cough as he stares back out at the children.
IVANOV
Do you know why I decided to get into drug dealing?
JACK
Because, you’re a lawyer. You know the right people.
IVANOV
No, that was the opportunity. The reason was because when I found out I had cancer, I realized what was most important in my life. It’s not the family. It’s not the money or experiences. It’s the legacy you leave behind…because your legacy is the only thing that can keep you alive forever. Lawyers make money, but how long does that last? Legacies. Now, those…They last forever.
JACK
But drug dealing?
IVANOV
In the end, does it matter, Jack. It’s as my father always said. “If you can’t join the good, join the bad.”
JACK
…I think I’m going to leave now.
IVANOV
You’re not staying for supper?
JACK
No thanks.
IVANOV
You know…just because I remind you of who you are doesn’t mean you have to shy away from me.
JACK
…Does your wife know who you are?
IVANOV
Does yours?
They both fall silent for a moment.
JACK
I have plans with my wife…You'll have to excuse me.
Jack gets up and begins to walk out the door.
IVANOV
I’m glad I have you as a partner, Jack.
Jack stops for a second and turns halfway before going inside.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE BUSHES – AFTERNOON – WINTER 2003
WIDE SHOT, you see GREG SORIN standing by a light post and some bushes as he looks out in the distance. He has his phone to his ear and you can hear ringing.
HIS FACE LOOKS DEAD. MARISSA TURNER eventually answers.
MARISSA TURNER
Hello?...Hello?
He remains silent
MARISSA TURNER
…Greg?
GREG
...Yeah…It’s me.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE A GROCERY STORE – AFTERNOON
WIDE SHOT, you see MARISSA TURNER walking by several stands as she looks around for some fruit. She has a bag in one hand and her phone in the other.
MARISSA TURNER
So, what do you want?
CUT BACK TO GREG
GREG
(unconvincingly)
I wanted to apologize for how I acted yesterday. I didn’t mean what I said.
CUT BACK TO MARISSA, she is looking at some watermelons, holding one in her hand.
MARISSA TURNER
Well, you sounded pretty sincere.
CUT BACK TO GREG, he is still standing by the post staring off with the same DEAD LOOK.
GREG
Lets meet up for some coffee.
CUT BACK TO MARISSA, she is walking for a moment and then stops
MARISSA
No. You know, what you said the other day made me think about why I hooked up with you in the first place. You’re right I don’t know anything about you because I only wanted sex and to run away from my own broken marriage.
CUT BACK TO GREG, same dead-like expression.
GREG
So then come meet me and lets talk about it.
MARISSA
You’re not listening to me.
CUT BACK TO MARISSA,
MARISSA
It’s not healthy to be with you right now. I need to either work on my own marriage or move on and find someone I can really connect with...I don’t want to die alone.
CUT BACK TO GREG,
GREG
You won’t have to if you come get coffee with me.
CUT BACK TO MARISSA
MARISSA
Goodbye, Greg.
She hangs up the phone and stares off for a second before going back to her grocery shopping.
As she moves out of frame, the CAMERA STAYS STILL. Out in the distance, you can see a figure standing by a light post by some bushes. The CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS IN.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF ROAD, You can now make out the figure and see that its GREG SORIN. He hangs up the phone as cars pass by the frame.
CUT TO MCU ON GREG, You can see him continuing to stare out at Marissa. One of his hands is in his pocket.
CUT TO ECU ON GREG, You can see his dead-like face intently staring off at Marissa.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF MARISSA SHOPPING
CUT TO ECU ON POCKET, you can see Greg take out a vial of something that looks poisonous and fondles it.
CUT TO ECU ON GREG’S FACE
END SCENE
P.S - I know you guys don't have a full understanding of the context, but I'm just trying to figure out if this sounds good cinematically. Like, I'm really trying to go for a Paul Thomas Andersonish look to it. Have a sort of subtle madness linger throughout the movie, until it all suddenly explodes into chaos.
So, I don't really want to get into the details about the feature length film, but its basically about a series of people who basically cross the point of no return and plunge down a part of the human condition that few generally venture off into. The title of the movie is called "Beyond the Rubicon" because the basic theme that threads this whole thing together is the human condition, itself and how one can go from good to evil. Anyway, there are these two scenes I'm working on right now that take place at two different time periods with two different groups of people who end up colliding with each other ten years down the road.
One of them takes place in 1993 and involves a corrupt detective and an old Russian lawyer who found out he has a slow growing cancer and is going to die in 10 to 15 years or even sooner. The other one takes place in 2003 and involves a grad student who basically goes off the edge and decides he wants to kill this girl who works with him along with his other peers (become a public shooter to have a podium to speak).
Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I need to know if the dialogue sounds corny or if it actually sounds intriguing and authentic. Be as harsh as you want.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Jack slowly makes his way over. Beyond the glass door, he can see a 60 something year old man sitting on a chair, staring out into the open field. He is bald and seems to be wearing thin circular glasses. He has a goatee and wears a heavy jacket.
As Jack steps out onto the porch, a low breeze gusts through the air hitting a chime bell. He stands still, staring straight at Ivanov who has a book on his lap but he is still peering out in the distance.
IVANOV
(Russian accent)
Its funny how you feel more free and alive when you know you’re dying. It’s just the kind of push a man needs to get what he desires most; Power. Freedom. Money. But no one ever strives to attain such things, unless the very shackles of their everyday lives are destroyed.
He looks over at Jack.
IVANOV
It’s the very essence of how Empires form, Mr. Dolan. All those great men we hear about in the history books wouldn’t have accomplished anything if there wasn’t anything else for them to live for. Because, one must lose everything in order to gain everything from others.
Jack stands there for a moment, trying to process everything he’s saying.
IVANOV
So…You’re the man they call Jack Dolan. You lost a friend recently. Or so I heard.
ANGLE ON JACK, his eyes slightly water as he stands there looking at him.
JACK
There was an accident.
IVANOV
Well, you can have a seat. No one’s going to hurt you.
As Jack sits down he continues.
IVANOV
He must have meant a lot to you if you were willing to murder a woman in cold blood…Even jeopardize your own life.
JACK
Like I said, it was an accident.
IVANOV
No…it wasn’t Mr. Dolan. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be in this line of work. You meant to pull that trigger. You meant to kill Rebecca and you reveled in it; seizing a life that took it all away from you…And of course, in the process you cost me a lot of money.
JACK
So when are you going to kill me?
IVANOV
Kill you? (light smile). Gerald’s story…It really spooked you, didn’t it?
JACK
Depends on what happened to him.
IVANOV
He skipped town…Maybe. Or, maybe his body is at the bottom of the Chesapeake. Or maybe, just maybe he’s still alive somewhere, locked away in a dark cage, far away from civilization…Anyway, it doesn’t matter because if I were planning to kill you, I wouldn’t have invited you to my humble establishment. So don’t worry.
Jack says nothing but stares with great intensity.
All of the sudden, Ivanov’s wife comes out with a tray, breaking the intense moment. On it are two cups of warm tea and some sugar cookies. The two children who were playing inside, also come out and begin running around the yard, chasing each other.
ELENA
Here we are.
IVANOV
Thank you, my dear.
ELENA
Would you care for anything else, Mr. Dolan.
JACK
No thank you. This is fine.
ELENA
Alright. Just come inside if you need anything.
IVANOV
Thank you, Elena.
She walks back inside. Ivanov stares at the children playing. He takes one of the cups of tea.
JACK
So if you’re not gonna kill me, then why did you call me out here?
IVANOV
Because I want to salvage what I can…It’s what you do after a disaster like this. I’m sure you were on the edge after that little fiasco and a man on edge is a man whose…Well, dangerous to the operation…
He gives Jack a pat on the back.
IVANOV
I just want to reassure you that everything will continue as normal. You don’t have to worry…If anything you helped yourself.
JACK
How so?
IVANOV
You showed me your willingness to keep the Empire running.
JACK
But, you wanted her alive?
IVANOV
Indeed. But, you and I both knew it wouldn’t have lasted with that woman. No…Rebecca made her decision the moment she killed Daniel. She could have done worse if I took her back. You did us all a favor, Jack, even if we lost some money.
Ivanov picks his cup up and takes a long sip. He gives a slight cough as he stares back out at the children.
IVANOV
Do you know why I decided to get into drug dealing?
JACK
Because, you’re a lawyer. You know the right people.
IVANOV
No, that was the opportunity. The reason was because when I found out I had cancer, I realized what was most important in my life. It’s not the family. It’s not the money or experiences. It’s the legacy you leave behind…because your legacy is the only thing that can keep you alive forever. Lawyers make money, but how long does that last? Legacies. Now, those…They last forever.
JACK
But drug dealing?
IVANOV
In the end, does it matter, Jack. It’s as my father always said. “If you can’t join the good, join the bad.”
JACK
…I think I’m going to leave now.
IVANOV
You’re not staying for supper?
JACK
No thanks.
IVANOV
You know…just because I remind you of who you are doesn’t mean you have to shy away from me.
JACK
…Does your wife know who you are?
IVANOV
Does yours?
They both fall silent for a moment.
JACK
I have plans with my wife…You'll have to excuse me.
Jack gets up and begins to walk out the door.
IVANOV
I’m glad I have you as a partner, Jack.
Jack stops for a second and turns halfway before going inside.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE BUSHES – AFTERNOON – WINTER 2003
WIDE SHOT, you see GREG SORIN standing by a light post and some bushes as he looks out in the distance. He has his phone to his ear and you can hear ringing.
HIS FACE LOOKS DEAD. MARISSA TURNER eventually answers.
MARISSA TURNER
Hello?...Hello?
He remains silent
MARISSA TURNER
…Greg?
GREG
...Yeah…It’s me.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE A GROCERY STORE – AFTERNOON
WIDE SHOT, you see MARISSA TURNER walking by several stands as she looks around for some fruit. She has a bag in one hand and her phone in the other.
MARISSA TURNER
So, what do you want?
CUT BACK TO GREG
GREG
(unconvincingly)
I wanted to apologize for how I acted yesterday. I didn’t mean what I said.
CUT BACK TO MARISSA, she is looking at some watermelons, holding one in her hand.
MARISSA TURNER
Well, you sounded pretty sincere.
CUT BACK TO GREG, he is still standing by the post staring off with the same DEAD LOOK.
GREG
Lets meet up for some coffee.
CUT BACK TO MARISSA, she is walking for a moment and then stops
MARISSA
No. You know, what you said the other day made me think about why I hooked up with you in the first place. You’re right I don’t know anything about you because I only wanted sex and to run away from my own broken marriage.
CUT BACK TO GREG, same dead-like expression.
GREG
So then come meet me and lets talk about it.
MARISSA
You’re not listening to me.
CUT BACK TO MARISSA,
MARISSA
It’s not healthy to be with you right now. I need to either work on my own marriage or move on and find someone I can really connect with...I don’t want to die alone.
CUT BACK TO GREG,
GREG
You won’t have to if you come get coffee with me.
CUT BACK TO MARISSA
MARISSA
Goodbye, Greg.
She hangs up the phone and stares off for a second before going back to her grocery shopping.
As she moves out of frame, the CAMERA STAYS STILL. Out in the distance, you can see a figure standing by a light post by some bushes. The CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS IN.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF ROAD, You can now make out the figure and see that its GREG SORIN. He hangs up the phone as cars pass by the frame.
CUT TO MCU ON GREG, You can see him continuing to stare out at Marissa. One of his hands is in his pocket.
CUT TO ECU ON GREG, You can see his dead-like face intently staring off at Marissa.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF MARISSA SHOPPING
CUT TO ECU ON POCKET, you can see Greg take out a vial of something that looks poisonous and fondles it.
CUT TO ECU ON GREG’S FACE
END SCENE
P.S - I know you guys don't have a full understanding of the context, but I'm just trying to figure out if this sounds good cinematically. Like, I'm really trying to go for a Paul Thomas Andersonish look to it. Have a sort of subtle madness linger throughout the movie, until it all suddenly explodes into chaos.
