How is my writing?

[Artin]

Now, I have no screenplays written just yet, but I have something that I just wrote for school that I would like to share (sorry if I'm posting in the wrong section if that's the case).

This is my first draft of the personal statement I will be working on throughout the 2½ years I have left in high school, and while it's supposed to be a real life experience, I had to beef it up somehow

This impressed a few of my classmates (big accomplishment, right?) but I wanted to post it here for some more professional or experienced feedback, so I can find out if I should bother starting screenplays if they're going to... suck.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Aw38HWJ0oeCAdphB95IXCH3cJtXbsTCPpSenTRySRzs/edit?hl=en&authkey=COfN09MF

Once again, sorry if I'm posting in the wrong forum.

 

[NickClapper]

...on my first day of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu stood before planning to show the new guy how it’s done...

I assume you mean 'before me'?

...Relying only on my snippet of knowledge on the vast, never ending web that is jiu-jitsu...

This feels a bit clunky. How about 'Relying on snippets of knowledge from the vast web of jiu-jitsu'. I'm not sure but concise is, on the whole, good.

...I felt my insides nearly rearrange themselves...

I'd lose the nearly here.

...My sparring partner was fading into a more cautious state every passing second...

Do you mean cautious?

...I flipped a coin and it did not land in my favor...

I'd prefer 'I had flipped a coin...' although I suspect that this metaphor might be too long winded for the pace of the piece. Maybe ditch it altogether.

...Like a lion in the night stalking its prey, it was his move...

This similie doesn't really work for me. Is that what lions do? If so, I'm not sure it's common enough knowledge because it feels a little shoehorned.

...time for my final push- it was time for my resurgence...

I think 'time for my final push- my resurgence...' would be better.

...I stuck my leg out hoping he would pounce, and he did. Having fallen for my trap, he attempted a now exhausted takedown. I managed to defend it easily, and that was when I spun around him and secured a body triangle, leaving little room for him to breathe in...

Is there a way you can simplify the technical language in this paragraph? Perhaps by splitting it into different paragraphs you can give the impression of a fragmentary, grasping fight but without having to use lots of commas. Do I know what a body triangle is? No. Try and describe these actions rather than using their names. That said, I would cut the description down to the key elements.

...He hung in there for three or four seconds before I finally heard it: tap tap tap. It was done, he had submitted...

I'd recommend throwing in a new paragraph after tap, tap, tap. Just so that you can control the pacing of the denouement. I would also consider rewriting the final line. I get what you're trying to say but using the colon is a slightly inelegant way of doing it.

On the whole though (and these are just little criticisms) I thought that was really good and an interesting way of addressing the subject. I know nothing about US personal statements but I think that that seemed like a more than sound way of writing about yourself...

 

[Artin]

Thanks for the detailed reply Nick, I'll definitely go back and make those changes. I tried to explain the maneuvers I mentioned as simply as I could, but something about "wrapping my legs around his midsection in a triangular shape" made me want to just say what it's called, I'll try to word it differently right now.

I looked up "what animals stalk their prey" on Google, that's what I got so I just rolled with it.

I agree with you one the "web of jiu-jitsu" part, it isn't my favorite sentence of the paper.

Thanks again broseph.

 

[Artin]

edit: double post, my badz

 

[barnaclelapse]

I thought it was a perfectly decent bit of writing. The only suggestions I can think of would mirror most of what Nick said, and the bulk of that is just nit-picky stuff. It certainly wasn't a waste of time. There's no reason in the world why you shouldn't try your hand at a screenplay. It's one of those things you're only going to get a handle on by reading and writing as much as you can stand, and I would venture to say you have the basic storytelling tools to give it a shot.

 

[jrsmithson]

I don't think one page of prose is sufficient to gauge screenplay-writing ability. If you want to know our opinions on your ability to write screenplays, write a screenplay, it will be much easier that way.

 

[VPTurner]

Novelists and short story writers often have a heck of a time transitioning to screenwriting. I read (still have it) Michael Chrichton's draft for Jurassic Park, and it was not good. Not only is the language in screenwriting much different from most novels and short stories, but it is also more stringent. Screenplays are present tense, active voice, what is seen and what is heard only. Novels can get into the characters head, discuss backstory and motivations, get specific about character features including hair color, eye color, etc. Screenplays don't do that.

I guess what I'm saying is that it would be difficult to gauge your ability to write a screenplay based on a short story that doesn't follow screenplay guidelines. Do you have a decent grasp of the English language where you have a foundation to write a screenplay? Yes, you do. Just keep at it and be conscious of the differences in writing techniques.

Side note, I have a good friend who just happens to teach High School English. Would you like me to show this to her so she could "grade" it?

 

[Artin]

Novelists and short story writers often have a heck of a time transitioning to screenwriting. I read (still have it) Michael Chrichton's draft for Jurassic Park, and it was not good. Not only is the language in screenwriting much different from most novels and short stories, but it is also more stringent. Screenplays are present tense, active voice, what is seen and what is heard only. Novels can get into the characters head, discuss backstory and motivations, get specific about character features including hair color, eye color, etc. Screenplays don't do that.

I guess what I'm saying is that it would be difficult to gauge your ability to write a screenplay based on a short story that doesn't follow screenplay guidelines. Do you have a decent grasp of the English language where you have a foundation to write a screenplay? Yes, you do. Just keep at it and be conscious of the differences in writing techniques.

Side note, I have a good friend who just happens to teach High School English. Would you like me to show this to her so she could "grade" it?

Thanks for the feedback guys.

My teacher usually takes ages to get our papers back to us, I think it would be pretty cool to see what another teacher thinks in the meantime. Thanks for the offer!

 

[VPTurner]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

My teacher usually takes ages to get our papers back to us, I think it would be pretty cool to see what another teacher thinks in the meantime. Thanks for the offer!

Okay, I sent it to her. She said she'd take a look.

 

[polfilmblog]

"Twice my age and just about twice my size, my first sparring partner on my first day of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu stood before planning to show the new guy how it’s done..."

This supposed to be a screenplay?

You need to read about screenplay formatting big time. ...Off you go.

 

[Artin]

"Twice my age and just about twice my size, my first sparring partner on my first day of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu stood before planning to show the new guy how it’s done..."

This supposed to be a screenplay?

You need to read about screenplay formatting big time. ...Off you go.

Now, I have no screenplays written just yet, but I have something that I just wrote for school that I would like to share (sorry if I'm posting in the wrong section if that's the case).

This is my first draft of the personal statement I will be working on throughout the 2½ years I have left in high school, and while it's supposed to be a real life experience, I had to beef it up somehow

No sir it is not.