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How can I write this better?

V

victortiti89

I know this may sound stupid and it's a really minor screenplay issue, not really related to the main story. It's just that I wanted to see how to write it well in a screenplay. Ok, here is the excerpt:


" JOSH
No, you're not!

RAYMOND
It ain't right, but I'm robbing this guy.

Josh looks at him. Raymond looks back.

RAYMOND (CONT'D)
I'm homeless.

Josh backs off. "
Sorry for the formatting, I just did a copy-paste..:)
 
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Too difficult to help you without context.

At a guess, I'd say that we already know that Raymond is homeless, as well as likely having already established his plan to rob somebody. If so, the above might be unnecessary exposition. Too hard to tell without knowing what comes before and after.
 
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First, IDK what program you C&Ped this out of but if you paste it into MS Notepad then you can just tab over the characters and dialog to the approximate places then C&P it into a code box here under the "Go Advanced" settings. (It's the fat grey pound sign/hashtag icon → # .)

Renders:

Code: 
		JOSH
	No, you're not!

		RAYMOND
	It ain't right, but I'm robbing 
	this guy.

Josh looks at him. Raymond looks back.

		RAYMOND
	I'm homeless.

Josh backs off.

Okay, now that that's done, specifically what did you want us to "do" with it?
Change what?
Hypothesize about what?
Speculate on what?
 
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@mad_hatter: Indeed, in the script's beginning, the audience can see Raymond is homeless, but Josh, whom he meets later on doesn't know that. He and Josh(alongside other guests) spend the night inside a kind of motel, but Raymond just wants to rob the owner. The two never met before, and therefore Josh didn't know anything about Raymond's past and status(homeless, poor, thievery inclinations, etc.). This conversation takes place when Josh catches Raymond during his robbery attempt(he tries to break the lock).

@ rayw: Thank you for your formatting help!:) I just wanted to have this written right. Is the action ok? What should be changed? I know it's a pretty simple set of actions, but I don't know if I wrote it good or not(" Josh looks at him. Raymond looks back.")...
 
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If this is for you to direct yourself or some buddies/friends to shoot then it's fine.

If it's for a short or feature length screenplay I'd ditch that particular action line, unless you have it there for a reading pause.
(Actors and director are going to do it their way anyway.)

If this is for a spec screenplay then I'd definitely ditch it since it's all going to be rewritten anyway.
 
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exposition and unrealistic way of talking. Even a tad bit cliché,but portraying a guy who is angry at the world would be a bit better - i.e. Acting aggressively towards Josh,and excusing himself (if you want this type of behaviour) saying owner has home,stuff,he won't suffer from me taking a little,I haven't eaten for 3 days etc. etc.
 
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baoliun said:
exposition and unrealistic way of talking. Even a tad bit cliché,but portraying a guy who is angry at the world would be a bit better - i.e. Acting aggressively towards Josh,and excusing himself (if you want this type of behaviour) saying owner has home,stuff,he won't suffer from me taking a little,I haven't eaten for 3 days etc. etc.
Click to expand...
V89, it's going to be real difficult to successfully negotiate both the language and cultural differences your "outside USA" status indicates, and I'll hazard a guess age, too.

Your intent with the final product would help us immensely.
 
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Birdman said:
...There are usually sub-stories that happen in a Screenplay.

-Birdman
Click to expand...

But they usually somehow relate to the main plot and have some sort of effect on the character's of the film. Or they provide comic relief, or push the story's tone and mood forward. Or it gives us an idea of the world the characters live in. Pointless sub plots aren't interesting.
 
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To OP - is there anyway you could show this visually? Perhaps Raymond looks at a cardboard box, and points. Or it is implied rather than told straightforward. Or Josh has to force it out of him. Find an interesting way to introduce this new plot point.
 
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