GRIDLOCK -- Intro, 6 pages

[LastChancey]

Hey guys,

The intro to a new short I'm hoping to film in Santa Barbara, CA in the next few weeks. I'm mostly wondering if the characters and their banter (and eventually the inciting incident to the plot) keeps you interested. Let me know what you think, and if these guys are likeable or just really annoying.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...YTA5YS00YzQ5LWI3NWQtZjIyNmFkMzNiMzhk&hl=en_US

Thanks!

 

[Jack Lynt]

They're likeable enough. The banter is okay. I liked the inciting incident and how you wrote it. It's pretty cinematic.

 

[LastChancey]

Thanks! Having a screenplay be called "cinematic" is the highest praise!

 

[CHamburger]

This was cool man. The guys are definitely likeable. I think having Marv a little bit more active might round the group out a little more. I also like the transformers reference, something I go through with my average movie goer friends. The dialogue is pretty crisp. I just don't get why a man would be at huntington beach to kill someone, why risk the danger? But I guess that'll come out at a later time. Really funny and ejoyable read.

 

[klitch]

It's definitely a good start, Personally i'd like to know a bit more about the characters and locations.

I'm not sure where you're going with the script, but i like it so far. I don't think I would describe it as cinematic, because I think you haven't really described anything to make me think of it cinematically.

the dialogue is good, but I think you can clean it up a bit.

 

[LastChancey]

@CHamburger -- Thanks! I'm intentionally trying to think of arguments I've had with my college-age friends over entirely pointless things to use a fodder for this dialog. I also have a specific point in keeping Marv fairly underused, but if you think it detracts from the development, then perhaps I ought to rewrite? And yes, there is a particular reason why the guy's whacking someone at the beach.

@klitch -- When you're talking about knowing more about the characters and locations, I wonder if you mean descriptively or expositionally? As in, do you want to know how they are acting, or do you want to know more about their past? If the answer is the latter, then THAT is exactly where the story is going. I'm keeping them a bit ambiguous for a pointed reason.

And where do you think the dialog needs work?

 

[klitch]

I meant descriptively, as a reader I like to paint that picture of who its talking, what are they like? tall, short, portly.

The dialogue was mostly technical things like (beats) and such to create pauses where someone might be thinking etc., the actual dialogue read very smoothly.