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First Official Script, Be Honest Please

MrJay

MrJay

Ok so before you click the link please keep in mind the subject matter is very heavy and the language can be offensive to some if not all people. However, i wanted it to be completely truthful and not hold back anything. I wanted to keep the dialect similar to what it would have really been like back then all while telling a good story.

A short synopsis is; A typical plantation in the heart of the Antebellum South during enslavement. I just wrote the first opening scene to get some critiques back. I also might change the name, not because i dont care if it's offensive or not, but for marketing purposes. I'm by no means a professional writer. Just a 20year old guy who likes to make movies. So please don't critique the format of it, just want some feedback on the dialouge and what you think of it as a whole. It's still a work in progress but just need to know if you guys think i should continue writing.

You can be honest, just try not to be cruel lol. I will repost same thread later if you guys are having trouble opening the file. Thanks guys! really appreciate it!

http://www.slideshare.net/Flash10/new-movie-script
 
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Awesome, MrJay. I hope to read it too, and soon!

But, please do not ask us to not critique the format of it ---> format matters.

I'm not even necessarily referring to "industry standards." What, at the very least, does matter, is clarity and considerateness to your potential readers. Please keep that in mind. =)

About your wondering whether we think you should continue writing, I already have an answer without ever reading your work. The answer is: if you want to write, of course you should continue to write! You sure as heck should not leave it up to strangers on an internet forum to tell you whether to write or not to write...and probably not up to anyone else, either. It should be up to you, and you alone.

Hope you post it soon. =)
 
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richy said:
Awesome, MrJay. I hope to read it too, and soon!

But, please do not ask us to not critique the format of it ---> format matters.

I'm not even necessarily referring to "industry standards." What, at the very least, does matter, is clarity and considerateness to your potential readers. Please keep that in mind. =)

About your wondering whether we think you should continue writing, I already have an answer without ever reading your work. The answer is: if you want to write, of course you should continue to write! You sure as heck should not leave it up to strangers on an internet forum to tell you whether to write or not to write...and probably not up to anyone else, either. It should be up to you, and you alone.

Hope you post it soon. =)
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I reposted the link, lemme know if that one works. I couldn't figure out how to get it into a pdf file. I just have the demo version of Final Draft lol
 
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ok read it, the formatting was wrong in some areas.

anyways as for the story, for me, this kind of film has already been done, which is ok, however yours doesnt seem to offer originality, also the other slaves tend to the boy when he endures his wounds but they didnt stare or do anything while the old guy was telling him off.

i think perhaps make more of an integration with the other slaves so that there is a pack mentality that they are all in this together and if they are not then they should look at the boy in disgust or ignore him completely so that they have some personality and arent just robots attending an injured person know what i mean?
 
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Quick, first impressions while reading:

* ...With a man's back facing the camera....Samuel's back in focus. The man with the back is the back of Samuel, the main protagonist. - Way too wordy and could be changed to be not so repititious or obvious (main protagonist is something the reader will find out).

* Cue in Title Fade In should be a separate line.

* Not too sure how the title will fly. You automatically exclude some people from your potential viewing audience.

* He got his name because he never seems to be happy - Reader doesn't need to be told this, we will understand through his actions/expressions/speak

* Strike "You see" in the script

* the Boy = Jeremiah - you already named him, use his name from there on.

*capitalize "I"

* Jeremiah's first speaking part - break it up: too much text all at once

* Jeremiah's first "dialogue" - should probably be an action line since you describe that he is afraid to speak.

Overall, hard to get through due to word choices, non-capitalized words/letters, and while I understand the grammer that you are going for, it just doesn't read like that is what they are intending to say.
 
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8salacious9 said:
ok read it, the formatting was wrong in some areas.

anyways as for the story, for me, this kind of film has already been done, which is ok, however yours doesnt seem to offer originality, also the other slaves tend to the boy when he endures his wounds but they didnt stare or do anything while the old guy was telling him off.

i think perhaps make more of an integration with the other slaves so that there is a pack mentality that they are all in this together and if they are not then they should look at the boy in disgust or ignore him completely so that they have some personality and arent just robots attending an injured person know what i mean?
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good points. i appreciate the criticism.

you're right though with everything you said. As far as the story as a whole, Only reason i've been wanting to make a movie about this, is I just feel there has never been a TRUE piece of work on slavery, its like people are afraid to talk about and face this huge tragedy of American History. Some of the ideas i have are gruesome but truthful to the time period; such as the tortures like using a scold's bridle, castration, etc which i feel has been ignored by film for a long time. This would be a dream movie to make of mine though, i'd def need money to pull something like this off lol
 
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arrodiii said:
Quick, first impressions while reading:

* ...With a man's back facing the camera....Samuel's back in focus. The man with the back is the back of Samuel, the main protagonist. - Way too wordy and could be changed to be not so repititious or obvious (main protagonist is something the reader will find out).

* Cue in Title Fade In should be a separate line.

* Not too sure how the title will fly. You automatically exclude some people from your potential viewing audience.

* He got his name because he never seems to be happy - Reader doesn't need to be told this, we will understand through his actions/expressions/speak

* Strike "You see" in the script

* the Boy = Jeremiah - you already named him, use his name from there on.

*capitalize "I"

* Jeremiah's first speaking part - break it up: too much text all at once

* Jeremiah's first "dialogue" - should probably be an action line since you describe that he is afraid to speak.

Overall, hard to get through due to word choices, non-capitalized words/letters, and while I understand the grammer that you are going for, it just doesn't read like that is what they are intending to say.
Click to expand...

ok thanks man, appreciate everything you said, ill work on it ;)
 
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Well since I'm new to this too I'm not going to judge the format because I don't even know format completely yet.

It wasn't bad, but it wasn't that good either. It felt a little cliche. Try and spice up things a little.
 
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