• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

first draft of a horror script im writing. looking for feedback asap.

P

peter917

So here is the first draft of the opening sequence/kill feedback is appreciated.

and FYI each line is a CUT. im not to familiar yet with the format of film scripts. Im more of a director and
effects person to be honest haha.

INTRO SCENE

EXT. NIGHT- NEIGHBORHOOD STREET

-2 views of empty street, dead silence. (crickets chirping possibly)

-Wide long view of girl jogging up to house(front door)(listening to her ipod, quietly hear her music)

-side view mid-shot of her approaching door, reaching into pocket

-(CU) on her pulling out keys

-(CU) on her turning key in door

-back to side view mid-shot as she opens door.


INT. NIGHT- HOUSE

-front view of front door as it opens. she walks in shutting the door.

-(CU) kicking off shoes

-back to front view as she takes out her earbuds and ipod and sets them on counter. phone vibrating in her pocket,
she looks down, reaches in her pocket and pulls out phone.

-(CU) down angle view of phone ringing as it says "MOM". she presses talk

-(CU) on her face as she puts phone to ear.

"Hey mom, i have to use the bathroom and shower, can i call you back?"

"Yes sweetey just checking in on you"

"ok, love you mom bye"

-front view Mid-shot taking phone off ear clicking end call.

-Back view as camera follows her to the bathroom.

-camera pan up from knee height as she enters bathroom].

-(CU) as she turns on the faucet.

-Mirror shot as she splashes her face

-front view mid-shot as she wipes her face with towel when the door bell rings. slowely puts down towel

-(CU) as she finishes slowely setting down the towel

-Front mid-shot of her peaking her head and half upper body out of bathroom when door bell rings again.

-View of door from characters persepective as door bell is pressed repeatedly 6 times.

-back to mid shot of her peaking out of bathroom and starts walking past camera view

"I'm coming, I'm coming"(keeps ringing)

-front view of her approach door and grab handle to swing open.

"hold on"

-(CU) on handle as she pulls open.

-front view of door as it swings open revealing noone to be there

-outside front view of her standing at door seeing her through the screen as
pushes it open poking her head out.

- side view mid-shot of her head looking in both directions, then she moves back letting screen door shut.

-Back view of her shutting front door and locking it. she then turns around and puts her back on the
door somwhat resting, wiping her forhead slowely.

"I have got to stop watching so many movies"

-Instantly there is a loud bang, she jolts up and screams turning her head side ways to side door.

-(CU) on her cheek/left eye as she is looking toward side door.(another quick loud bang) turns her head forward.

-shows back slide door from her persepective.

-(CU) on her mouth/neck as her throat gulps


now for the next cut, i dont know forsure yet if this is how i want it but i feel it would add suspense if i placed
the camera all the way back by the sliding door which is about a good 25feet infront of the front door. i was thinking
having the camera face the girl as she will be a good 25 feet away and she slowely walks towards to camera(which is acutally
the side door) and as shes walking looks around considering shes so creeped out.(the side door is also a glass one so its not
a regular door. that was just a thought, not sure if anyone can picture exactly what i said.

-side view mid-shot as she grabs handle on door hesitently.

-looks down at lock

-(CU) on lock showing its unlocked

-(CU) on her face looking back up worried

"I didn't leave this door unlocked..

-view of slidedoor showing outside thats all black. a masked man abrutly runs into door pounding with one hand

-(CU) on her as she screams.

-low side view as she falls on ground seeing killers feet standing right outside side door.

-chest and up shot of killer through glass as he shakes his head as if he is saying "no"

-front downward view of her on ground knees in air hands on ground shaking her head on verge of crying as she rolls over and gets
up to run.

-ground view of slide door opening and killer stepping inside

-Front view of her running toward front door.

-mid-shot back view of killer taking crossbow off his back

-side view of her grabbing unlocking door, and grabing the handle.

-(CU)killer cocks cross bow.

-back view of girl as she swings door open, pushes open the screen door as second killer turns from around cornor, she runs into
his chest stopping in her tracks and looks down

-Downward view of machete in killers hand.(hear crossbow fire)

-front view of her as she thrusts her body forward indicating the impact of the bow, sees killer in background lowering cross
bow.

-back view of girl as she falls to her knees arrow in her back.

-side view of killer gripping machete

-front view of girl looking down in shock eyes wide, trying to spit out the word "no"

-back wide view of girl on knees as machete slices of her head.

-ground view of head hit the ground, eyes blink once.

CUTS TO BLACK


so yeah thats pretty much it, like i said its just a draft and also just the opening kill. I wanna try and do this different
then the mainstream indie horror films, by giving it good character devolpment and try to implement a plot into it. im going for
a home invasion type movie, i find it scary not knowing why your being stalked or killed and also not ever knowing who did it, which
is why im some what struggling with giving this an indepth story. but wether it has a great one or not im hoping this turns
into at least a fun and watchable film.

any advice comments greatly appreciated
 
Sort by date Sort by votes
I appreciate that you're more of a director/FX person than a writer, but being able to write in a standard script format is a NECESSARY skill, especially as you involve actors and expand your abilities. Pick up a good book on screenwriting to learn the basics. CeltX is a free software but even then you need to understand the ideas--sluglines, action lines, parentheticals, transitions, shots, etc. At the vary least, you need to indicate the dialogue properly so your actors know who is speaking. I modified your example below.

peter917 said:
So here is the first draft of the opening sequence/kill feedback is appreciated.
and FYI each line is a CUT. im not to familiar yet with the format of film scripts. Im more of a director and
effects person to be honest haha.

INTRO SCENE

Code: 
EXT.  NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

[color="red"]Quiet suburban neighborhood--trees, picket fence in midwestern town.[/color]

Two views of empty street, dead silence. [color="red"]Crickets or silence? [/color]

PORCH

WLV:  girl [color="red"](20s)[/color], listening to her ipod, jogs up to the front door of a house.

SIDE VIEW, MS:   she approaches door, reaches into pocket of her jacket

CU:  she pulls out her keys

CU:  turns the key in door

SIDE VIEW, MS:  opens door.


INT.  HOUSE - NIGHT  (CONTINUOUS)

etc ...

LIVING ROOM

                              GIRL
          Hey mom, i have to use the bathroom and shower, 
          can i call you back?

                              MOM (O.S.)
                  (filtered; phone)
          Yes, sweetey.  Just checking in on you.

                              GIRL
          Ok, love you, mom.  Bye.

FRONT VIEW, MS:  takes phone off ear and ends call.

BATHROOM

BACK VIEW:  camera follows her to the bathroom.

PAN UP:   from knee height as she enters bathroom].

CU:  she turns on the faucet.

etc .

so yeah thats pretty much it, like i said its just a draft and also just the opening kill. I wanna try and do this different then the mainstream indie horror films, by giving it good character devolpment and try to implement a plot into it. im going for a home invasion type movie, i find it scary not knowing why your being stalked or killed and also not ever knowing who did it, which is why im some what struggling with giving this an indepth story. but wether it has a great one or not im hoping this turns into at least a fun and watchable film.

any advice comments greatly appreciated
Click to expand...

I think many indie horror films work at good character development and solid story plots. What would help is to stop planning the shots. Go back and add those AFTER you write the script. In film and TV, you start with the spec script which is devoid of camera direction. The director then goes back through the script and adds direction and plans shots which is shared with the DP. Start with the script as story first, then develop it. While I kept your shots above, this is more of a shooting script. You seldom find scripts that are written this way, except by the director shooting his own work. Or a writer is commissioned to add shots to a spec script.

It's clear you have a very visual idea of how you want to compose your movie. But that level of detail at this point makes you mistake the tree for the forest. First figure out who your characters are--who lives, who dies, who is the hero/survivor, who is the villain? Figure out the motivation for each--why are they in that place, why are they being targeted, how would a person react in that situation? You might want to read a few horror scripts from movies like "Halloween" to see how they were constructed.

Again, a script is a blueprint for the movie and a tool for the director, actors, and others. It should have short descriptions of the scenes locations the first time they appear. This helps the art director get a sense of how to design. A solid, well written script is your greatest ally in creating the kind of indie feature you've described. Take some time to learn to do it right and you'll find your work is more productive and can help you better get the results you want.

Good luck!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
thank you, i appreciate the help and your formatting structure in which you did my script will help me a lot. I'll probably go download some older horror movie screen plays to get the idea. Can anyone though give advice or insight based on what i already have? detail wise and story wise?
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
peter917 said:
thank you, i appreciate the help and your formatting structure in which you did my script will help me a lot. I'll probably go download some older horror movie screen plays to get the idea. Can anyone though give advice or insight based on what i already have? detail wise and story wise?
Click to expand...

At the moment, what you have is a scene, not a story. It is a generic horror scene that could be pulled out of any horror movie--Scream(s), Halloween(s), etc. You haven't given us a story. Chasing someone around a house is still a pretty generic, cliched plot. Yes, you provide a visually oriented scene with the shots--I can see it play out--but it's just a scene.

A story conveys a transformation or journey of an individual over time through a series of events. (There's probably better definitions out there.) So your movie--visual story--must introduce us to the characters, provide some impetus to make the transformation or journey, show us the process, and leave the audience with some impression how the main character(s) have been changed as a result.

As far as detail, it is very sparse as written. I had no idea about the girl. Was she a teen and twenty-something? How was she dressed? What does her home look like inside? Does she live alone? Why was her mother calling her--did she have a reason to worry? Lots of this requires a decent treatment. Some of this can be picked up by visual cues in the scene--but you don't describe them. It may work as an intro scene, but you will need to develop the characters and scene descriptions.

Your script shows a native talent. However, the formatted script is the lingua franca of movies. Yours is hard to read. And as I mentioned, what you've shared is more like a snippet, a scene, rather than a story. When you've fully written it in a formatted fashion, post it. There are lots of people who will give you useful feedback on the forum. Reading older scripts and following their examples is a great way to start.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Have to agree with everything Fantasy has said here. And also with Dlevanchuck, it's extremely difficult to read. This is a shot list not a script, the way you've broken it down makes it very difficult to focus on the story.

That said, I have read it, so... It's very cliche, and belongs at the start of a generic slasher movie. This does not show any of the "character development" or "plot" that you mentioned in your first post. You give us a one-dimensional female character, who enters her home and then is almost immediately murdered. That's it. Why not give this character a bit more screen time; keep her on the phone to her mother, let them have a conversation, allow this conversation to tell us a bit more about this girl. Try and make us like her, we wont want her to die then. Also, the killers there in the house, then... he kills her. Drag it out a bit. Have the girl fight for her life. Make us think that she might get away (even if we know she wont). This is the kind of place you can build up the tension. I think "SCREAM" would be a good movie for you to take a look at, this feels as if thats the kind of thing you're gong for. Watch the movie, read the script, see what they did differently to you.

Get the formatting fixed up and keep going for it. A little bit of work and you could end up with something pretty good!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Ok thank you for the feed back. I know nothing is mentioned concerning plot and character development because I'm still somewhat putting it together in my head, this was just to give the premise feel of the scene i would like to open the film just to get a response as to how well it would seem. I'll learn more of screen writing format before i continue on the script though. I really do appreciate all of the comments.

And to answer a few things, the house is a small house maybe 40-50 feet wide and about 25 feet long, and only one story, plus a basement. It's a very small house and it is also my grandmas house, so its always low lit, dimmed and has the look of the house in the strangers some what, just carpet more then wooden floor, if that helps any with visualizing it.

also i didn't wanna develop the girl so much to try and make it more mysterious as to why she was killed, and the killing of her fast was to give it more of a shock factor, as to why it was so fast and brutal, and for no "apparent" reason. Haven't gotten a good idea for that reason yet, if there even ends up being one.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top