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Feedback? Prequel Short Film Script

cameronchapman

cameronchapman

So I mentioned a couple days ago here that I was thinking of doing a short prequel film for the feature I want to film next winter. I've decided I definitely want to do this.

Considering I want to film the short next month, I figured I should get a script together quick. So today I did that. I'd like to cut a page or two from what I have (the goal is a short no longer than 10 minutes, and right now I have an 11 page script that I think will be close to 15 minutes when filmed). If anyone wants to read it and offer some feedback, here's the link: http://bit.ly/I7vLMP. I'm also looking for title ideas (the feature is going to be called Two In Winter, so I'd like to come up with something that sounds kind of similar, or along the same lines), if anyone has any?

So yeah, rip 'er apart, tell me what needs fixing, which parts suck, etc. I need to fast-track this thing, so I want to have the script finalized by the end of the week (I wrote the whole thing in about 3-4 hours, so this is doable for me) so I can start pre-production (which is going to consist of searching for crew, cast, and locations simultaneously, and will likely result in me running around like a crazy woman for the next month and a half and asking lots of stupid and obvious questions).
 
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Wow. It's so amazing that I've left everyone here speechless? No one can find a single thing to criticize? Really? That's freakin' awesome! :yes: ;)





[hopefully everyone gets that was a joke...]
 
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I'm in the process of reading so these are quick notes:
I like the way you use the flashback but by p. 5 just after the scene on the porch where he announces he's going to LA, you need to flash back to her in the bedroom. If you carry a flashback too long from your original "present", you can lose the audience. Just put in a quick scene in the present and go on with your flash back. I've put my suggested additions in blue.

Code: 
.............  your p. 4

Katy nods.

Jerry grabs his guitar and slings it across his back before
walking off down the driveway.

She watches him go.
[color="blue"]
                                                                          INTERCUT WITH:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Katy's eyes look at the driveway.  Her hand reaches up and
touches the window pane.
[/color]

EXT. WOODS - DAY

Katy and Jerry are sitting on a log in the woods, talking.

p. 8 brings up the major problem--is the scene with Camille still in the past or are we back to the present. It's not clear to the reader.

Code: 
Jerry lets go of her arm.

                                        JERRY
                  Fine.

He turns and leaves. Katy stands there and watches him go.

[color="blue"]
INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Katy pulls away from the window and glances at the book now by 
her bedside.

She sits on the bed tries to open and read it but tosses it to the 
corner and
collapses on the bed.
[/color]

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Katy is lying in bed, [color="red"]reading[/color]. There’s a knock at the door
and a second later 

CAMILLE DICKSON, a hippie in her early 40s and Katy’s mother, sticks
 her head in.

                                     CAMILLE
            I brought you some tea.

Okay, I get to p. 10 and you're throwing us into the present. See that's the problem with flashbacks is it gets real confusing it they are too drawn out.

Okay, personally, I think the conflict is too drawn out. He wants her to go and she can't. I'd tighten the dialogue is repetitive. It would really drag hearing this back and forth for 10 minutes (10 pages). I'd cut out most of those scenes to the most relevant. I'd cut out the woods scene and move that dialogue into the porch scenes and just tighten up the porch scene dialogue. Lots of stammering and repetition.

I like your set up and intro in the beginning. You really want to get to the meat of your story, if it's to be a short, quickly. Use your flashback to the porch but make that scene the transition to p.10 when the van pulls up. The you pull the clunker, nothing happens.

The van stops for no reason? Why did it go there? Why did she go to the window? She doesn't call out? That whole segment doesn't make sense or feel satisfying. Hopefully that is NOT the end of the short, or it sucks royally. It comes across as if you don't know how you want it to end.

If you want it to be meaningful, have another handsome high schooler walk by and head to the door. He rings the bell. Katy comes out all smiles and then sees the van. She pauses and her face freezes as she sees the band members. The guy asks if he can come in. Then cut into the van where Jerry tells them to drive on. That would give a better sense of closure, that they went on with their lives.

Overall I like the style. For a feature, you might be able to get away with it being that wordy, but even there I'd suggest being more to the point so you can get to the interesting part of getting them back together, if that's the end goal. One last thought, give the poor actress a break. Don't overuse the crying. It becomes kind of farsical when everything makes her weep, teenage girl or not.

Hopefully not too painful. You did a good job. Good luck with the shoot next month.
 
Last edited:
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Thanks for the feedback! That's just the kind of thing I need!

This is a first draft (I literally didn't even read it again before putting it up), which I don't normally share, but since I'm working on such a tight schedule, I figured I should get feedback now so I can limit the number of individual revision passes I need to do.
 
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