Feedback Please! "Cheaters" Short Screenplay (10 pages)

[BobbyG]

"Cheaters" is a short comedy about a class of 4th graders who come up with an elaborate scheme to cheat on their history test.

All feedback is greatly appreciated! This is my first attempt at screenwriting. Thank you so much in advance!



https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BxFyidUSGHtHSUhxcEhWWDRyWWs/edit?usp=sharing


By the way, I know that there are quite a few grammatical errors. I forgot to correct them before posting. Sorry about that! Below is the link to the edited screenplay.

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BxFyidUSGHtHbjhnbW1sLXRUNUk/edit?usp=sharing


And if you aren't a member of IndieTalk, you can comment write on the Google Doc. Thanks again!

 

[A Whitmer]

Gonna do this one page at a time, then follow up on story.

This ...

INT. 4TH GRADE HISTORY CLASSROOM - DAY

I'm not opposed to this slug, but my first question is, how do I know it's 4th grade? Kids in the 3rd are not all that different. Fifth, maybe (onset of puberty for early bloomers), but not third. I think the posters hint it's a history class sufficient enough, but the way I remember elementary school is that we didn't start changing classrooms until the 6th grade. Wouldn't this be a multi-use classroom?

Just askin' is all.

This ...

15 STUDENTS sit in a small, hot classroom.

classroom is redundant. Lose it. Maybe mention the student fan themselves to reinforce visually that the room is hot.

This ...

Posters of former presidents hang on the walls, some half fallen.

What's the purpose of half-falled posters?

This ...

It is a gorgeous day outside, yet these children are trapped in what
feels like a heat box. Fans eternally spinning to no avail.

So if it's gorgeous out, why not open the windows? What's making it so hot inside? Play this up a little. Maybe the teacher wallows in sweatbox condotions.

This ...

At the front of the room is MRS. JANSEN (75), an old woman
with long, ashen hair pulled into a bun.

I think 75 and old woman is a given. Lose the 'old woman' part. This is really picky, but stick to 'classroom' Don't cut it to room. Assuming there will be more INT's, keep locations names unchanged to avoid any confusion.

This ...

Her pupils show nothing but apathy towards her and her lesson. She appears
even more disinterested than they.

Since you were explaining Mrs. Jansen, I thought you meant her pupils, as in eyes. . Maybe students is a better word?

This ...

MRS. JANSEN
If I get no participation, you will
write the questions and answers ten
times each! Now why did President
Wilson think the League of Nations
was necessary?

... get no participation ... coming from an older teacher sounds off. English in her time was far more eloquent than nowadays, so keep her real and match her dialogue to her age and profession.

This ...

A student, MIRANDA (9), raises her hand.

I think we know she's a student. Lose that.

MIRANDA
Wilson wanted...

MRS. JANSEN
PRESIDENT Wilson wanted.

MIRANDA
President Wilson wanted to talk
about the problems instead of
fighting over them.

This ...

MRS. JANSEN
Good.

Here is a chance to intro students that might play a bigger role later. Have your teacher say 'Thank you, Miranda'. Now we have a name to ref later, and it's a little closer to how a teacher might respond.

This ...

Mrs. Jansen notices a student, DENNIS (10), dozing off.

Lose 'a student' And this is one of those times where an ING verb just works better.

This ...

MRS. JANSEN
Dennis! Can you please repeat to me
what Miranda just said?

I see Miranda intro'd by name here, but still think it should come up earlier.

This ...

DENNIS
Nope.

Good response, but do have Mrs. Jansen react somehow. We can get an idea if this is a problem kid, or the teacher is stunned.

MRS. JANSEN
And why is that?

This ...

DENNIS
Because I was sleeping, dreaming
you weren’t my teacher

Dennis the Menace now comes to mind. I take it he's a troublemaker?

This ...

The class giggles.

Maybe 'Students giggle'. In the film Dead Poet's Society, not all the students were amused by the unorthodox teacher. Class giggles would mean they all giggle. The playground scene that follows would suggets not everyone was in on the giggle?

More later ....

 

[A Whitmer]

Page 2

This ...

MRS. JANSEN
(to class)
Quiet!

I'm on the fence if the parenthetical is needed here. I can see where one might think that was directed toward Dennis. Yeah, keep it.

This ...

They swiftly become still.

Oddly worded and an uneeded adverb. 'still' also suggests they were moving, and there is no mention of that. Maybe try 'The students hush'.

This ...

MRS. JANSEN
(to Dennis)
Do you think you’re funny Mr.
Pajak? Because your sense of humor
won’t help you with the TEST
tomorrow!

This parenthetical is unnecessary. Have her lock eyes with Dennis. That will erase any doubt who she's talking to.

This ...

The entire class gasps, exasperated.

Maybe add a few students mumbling 'Test?' so we know the gasps are specificly for that reason. Maybe this kind of pop test is out of character for her, so play that up. Exasperated is no small reaction.

This ...

MRS. JANSEN
There will be 10 vocab questions,
15 multiple choice, 15 true or
false, 20 fill in the blank, and 2
essays.

I seriously doubt she'd say 'vocab'. Also, maybe have her stutter a bit or something to indicate she's making this up as she goes. Again, the students are in shock, so this isn't an ordinary response from the teacher.

Always make sure all your puzzle pieces are in place.

This ...

The students are in shock. A few put their heads on their
desks. Others attempt to argue, but Mrs. Jansen isn’t having
it. The bell RINGS.

Maybe 'A few students argue AD LIB'. No need to cap RINGS here.

This ...

MRS. JANSEN
Make sure you study, and have a #2
pencil ready.

Have her scan the class, maybe a little smug as well, so we know she is addressing everyone.

This ...

EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY

Dennis and another student, MELANIE (9), are standing by the
fence chatting. They watch as other students from the
school, some younger, others older, revel around the yard.
However, their peers from Mrs. Jansen’s class sit on the
grass looking sullen.

Lose 'another student. I will assume there will be facial recognition (15 is not that many to remember), so we know she's a student. Also, lose the ING's here. Try Dennis and MELANIE (9), chat by the fence (I assume we don't hear them yet). The next part can be cleaned up if you mention this is recess - as opposed to after school - so there would be several grades out and about.

This ...

MELANIE
(sarcastically)
That was real smooth in Jansen’s
class.

Lost the adverb ending in your parethetical. Okay, so Melanie refes Mrs. Jansen's class. Is this sometime later, like a few classes later? Do these kids change classrooms? Again, I just don't have any recollection of that in the 4th.

This ...

DENNIS
She would’ve given us the test
anyway.

Why does he think that? It's at odds with Melani's take, as we get from her response.

MELANIE
Looks like our classmates don’t
agree.

This ...

Melanie points towards the students, who all irately stare
at Dennis.

get out of your adverb habit.

More later ...