Feedback on Roman Short script

[Donoghmac]

Hi all
Just finished the script for a period short about a Roman soldier searching for his wife in Ireland. Would appreciate any feedback you might have!

You can download it here.

http://stormvids.ie/dor/dor.pdf

Cheers
Donogh

 

[margo macabee]

Read 1st five pages of D.o.R.

Hi Donogh,
Want to let you know I read a little of your screenplay. I'm a beginner myself, so mostly I'm commenting to check what I think I know. And to be corrected if I'm mistaken. And avoiding a project I need to finish tonight.

I was pulled into your story, didn't want to stop reading. SO it did capture/keep my interest. I 'understood' and felt for your characters.

But from what (I think) I've learned; your action lines might be too long and too frequent. I've read a couple places(maybe here) action lines shouldn't be more than 4 lines at the most and only appear in that quantity every few pages. The scene(s) I read were supposed to be fast-paced, but might be better written more staccato. Written like it's fast-paced. 'He shoots. He jumps. He scores!' And aviod ING's, watchING, should be watches, swingING should be swings.

But that's all little technical stuff I could be completely wrong about.

I liked what I read, for sure. Good on you for doing it!


Margo